DP's birthday or cousin's wedding?

[MadYoungCatLady]

I am due to go to my cousin's wedding in just over 2 weeks.

It is a 4 hour drive so my parents are driving up the day before (DP's birthday) and we get a free lift - otherwise it would be train and I don't think we could afford it.

DP has just decided he doesn't want to go now. He said he is happy to come up by train on the morning of the wedding (ceremony takes place at noon), but it would mean him leaving at about 6am (ferry to catch, train connections etc). I am not prepared to do that - I'll be 21 weeks PG, suffering with terrible back pain, if we miss one connection (theres quite a few) we will miss the ceremony and quite frankly its too bloody expensive. Unless I don't go to the wedding, I won't be with him on his birthday. I asked him how he feels about me going, and got the "Well, I'm sure I'll find something to do" line...

I really want to go to the wedding, but feel like a complete bitch leaving him on his birthday! But I figure my cousin will only get married once (hopefully) and he will have lots more birthdays (hopefully). Should I go or would I be unreasonable?

Erm, the random phone calls are NOT about him wishing he could come, cos it would have actually made him decide to ATTEND the next 'do' wouldn't it?

He is calling up to keep tabs on you. this is controlling behaviour. RED FLAG The not doing YOUR family things? RED FLAG.

The punishment of excluding you for not dropping it all and celebrating his birthday, RED FLAG

Nasty comment about your cousin's wedding? RED FLAG

You have split before, now more importantly than ever, you need to split again. This behaviour will escalate, and then some when you have the baby.

Don't fluff this away. This is serious.

Of course you'll need to switch your phone off during the wedding, so that will frustrate that part of his plan to disrupt your day.

He is manipulating you - by playing the martyr. He's been mummy's little soldier for too long, and he's expecting the same dogged devotion and fall-in-with-whatever-he-wants response from you as he gets from his mum.
Can you stand to live with that forever? Lots of people do of course - read the MIL threads to see how well that turns out.

Please just go, tell him to have a lovely time with his mum (who will no doubt spend the entire day massaging his ego and agreeing that you are a selfish caaaah to still be going to your cousin's wedding ), switch your phone off and have a great time.

And who defaults to spending their birthday with their mum if their partner isn't around? Does he not have any friends??

YANBU. I'm very close to my cousin, and would not dream of missing her wedding. I personally think your DP is unreasonable, for not making the effort to go with you.

MadCat - i'd worry about the relationship, and his attitude in general, but form your last post, you sound like it's under control for now

You go, with him or without him, exactly as you'd planned.

and turn your phone off for the whole event do not turn it back on until the morning afterwards (when you get up).
that way he can't ring you about crap that doesn't matter.
guarantee he only does that because he wants you to feel guilty about not doing what he told yo udo.

and he's being a petulant child

sorry, but he really sounds like hard work and I wouldn't be taking any sulky calls when I'm trying to enjoy myself.

"Give him socks for his birthday. Sorted."

Actually better presents would be either
(a) the Elbow
(b) The boot
(c) The Door

:o AKMD love the socks idea... also love the girls night in idea (think my 4yo DS will love it even more. Seriously... he keeps insisting on pigtails and nail varnish. He got make up from father christmas last year ).

Thumbwitch he really doesnt! I dont think he likes people in general come to think of it... He has one friend who he is still in touch with - the last time they went out he tried to convince DP to have drugs (this used to happen frequently before I arrived on the scene) but he thankfully decided to come home before said 'friend' collected them - DP lost £20 but I'd rather him lose that than die due to stupid drunken behaviour.

HerHissyness - not the Playstation3 Ive already got then...

saying all that - when i first got together with my now husband (I had moved a long way to be with him) we always seemed to argue just as I was about to go out with my new friends/workmates. i started to think he did it on purpose to stop me enjoying myself but I always went even when it was the last thing I felt like. It didn't last though and now he pushes me to go out/ do things and isn't controlling in the least so things can change.

I've experienced this kind of behaviour before with an ex-partner, although not so much with the making me feel guilty afterwards bit. It was embarrassing for me as a person who values family to have a partner who didn't want to attend family events. At times it was pathetic - recall one incident when I had a gathering of extended family over and he hid upstairs on the computer....it was the first time he was due to meet them all and he didn't come down. At one point my cousin came upstairs to meet him and to say it was awkward was an understatement. It was so childish, and ultimately for me it was an illustration of the little respect he had for me if he couldn't just suck it up, have a cup of tea and slice of cake for a couple of hours with my family. Thankfully that relationship is long gone, and I believe he is still the same selfish idiot - I feel sorry for future girlfriends.

Does he not realise that the longer he procrastinates about meeting the family the worse it will get, the more they will talk? He needs to man up and go to the wedding. The more he meets them, the easier it will be - he might enjoy it. Sadly something tells me he's not going to compromise.

Something I think that has only been touched upon lightly is the excuse to your cousin. I would stop NOW making excuses for him. Tell him he has to call your cousin and explain why. It's easy for him to back out because he knows that you will make the excuses and field the questions about why he's not there. Why should you. You're not his mother and you should not lie for him.

So perhaps he's just antisocial? That's not a good trait either, tbh - not because of any manipulative/control reasons, just PITA ones. My first BF was antisocial - he went to one party with me under protest and kept his coat on the whole time. Another time, I'd gone to a student party with some friends, he came up to where I was living later and came and picked me and my best mate up from the party (we were so drunk we were holding each other up) and as she said, it was like having your DAD come to pick you up, he was so grumpy and disapproving! Stupid git. but also .

If you're going to stay with him, he needs to get used to seeing your family - he needs to sort himself out and stop being such a spoilt brat about it all.

But you are also going to need to have a good hard talk with him about all this - because unless you draw some lines in the sand as to what is and isn't acceptable (and actually, this one qualifies as UNacceptable in my book, pissing around with someone's wedding organisation is high on my list of Really Fucking Rude Things To Do when there isn't a jolly good reason for it) you're not going to be able to even start to work out whether he is just a pathetically mummy's boyish antisocial martyr, or a divisive, manipulative, potentially abusive control freak. (Neither of which is that good an option, tbh).

Well, if you're OK with his behaviour OP,fine. But I think you need to stop accepting invitations for both of you and instead accept on your own behalf and decline for him. Regardless of whether he's doing this through controlling/shyness/depression/social inadequacy, you should put a stop to other people's arrangements (in this case your cousin's wedding reception) being affected. Let them plan and pay for what he is going to do (you have said he has done this every single time). It's only fair.

And perhaps if he knows he's not expected to turn up anyway, he'll stop dicking you about over it.

Well I would say that my husband is shy & there are some things he would prefer not to go to.

But he´s an adult-& he goes because it´s important to me.

I like Whereyouleftit's thoughts - I also think it would be very interesting to see what he would do if he was no longer invited/expected to show up - would he get all petulant about that too and say that he doesn't want you to go because they all hate him and you should stand by him, not them? And that you shouldn't accept invitations from people who don't even invite him? Hmmmmmm.......

It worries me that you say you hold your tongue and put up with things to keep the peace, you shouldn't have to do that.

I know what it feels like to be depressed and to feels really antisocial alot as does my DH but this doesn't sound like it's that. If he knew he was going to feel like that at every event he would stop accepting the invitations. Instead he accepts them and messes you around at the last minute. I agree that you should stop making excuses for him (although I realise that could be embarrassing) and tell him to phone and explain himself.

The phoning constantly sounds like checking up on you to me. I would keep your phone turned off from when you get there, or just "forget" to charge it/misplace it or something. How dare he mess you about like this and then interrupt your time there with loads of phone calls!

I just realised that you are pregnant and also have a 4yo. I would imagine that it would be helpful if he was there to help with your dc if you feel tired. He's leaving you in the lurch isn't he!

Now he knows I am willing to go without him he's starting to mellow - "I'd be more inclined to go if I knew the exact plans for the day of my birthday".
Well, even I don't know that. I don't know the exact time my mum intends to leave, its 16 days away. He wants to know if he can spend the morning with his mum or not.

Oh, and he will bring me some of the cake his mum will be getting him.

Asked again why we can't celebrate on another day - "Its not my real birthday then is it".

A-HA! Put him on the spot. Your cousin needs to know whether or not he will be there because IME there is nothing worse than paying £££ per head for people to come to your wedding and them not bothering their arse to show up (different if it's unavoidable circumstances) and it can add a really bitter note into a day (friend of mine had 4 empty dinner places at her wedding - she was fuming!) SO - he has to decide yes or no so your cousin can decide what to do with his dinner.

My brother's ex wanted to decide on the day whether or not she would come to our reception - I said she wasn't getting that choice, if she couldn't make her mind up the answer was she was NOT included.

leave the dc with him. Tell him the plan is he spends his birthday with dc and his mum (?!) and go off and have a nice couple of nights child free break.

'It's not my real birthday'???

'Oh, well, if it won't be the same doing it on a different day then we may as well just not bother at all this year. Never mind! I can save money on a present for you too'

He's a little game player isn't he?

So tiresome when they are over about the age of ten, no?

he sounds proper spoilt.
(by his mum, mainly, i would say)

OP your DP is a prat. In fact in the best case scenario he is a prat. He could also be a controlling, manipulative dick. I do not like one little bit that this scuppering of your plans with your family is a regular occurance. Also the expectation that he can just change his mind at extremely short notice without any (good) reason and little or no explanation and he just expects you to fall into line with him.

Only you know if this part of a regular more worrying pattern. In this particular situation I would do the following
I would make it absoloutly clear that I am not one bit impressed with him pulling out of yet another important family event. That I feel disappointed and let down by his selfish behaviour

That there is no question that you will not attend. That you are going ahead with the plans as previously made and agreed.

That once you leave you are not going to be available for constant phone calls. This is an important family occassion for you that you intend to enjoy without constant interruptions from him. Do not under any circumstances answer the phone to him.

Tell him you will not be making excuses for him at the wedding. You will just say that he couldn't come and thats it.

You have offered to celebrate his birthday another day. He has rejected this offer. Your response should be - If thats what you want thats fine with me. Do not bring up the subject again. If he wants to cut of his nose to spite his face then leave him to it. Don't give him an opportunity to sulk and then back down and behave like he is doing you a favour by 'allowing' a celebration another day. Leave his present and card for him that morning and that is it.

Do not make any compromises or accommadations to allow him to come with you ie "I'd be more inclined to go if I knew the exact plans for the day of my birthday" - Tell him the arrangements are still what he agreed to originally. If he can't live with them then thats his problem. Do not make your mother rearrange things to accommadate his tantrum.

Tell him to stick his f**king cake!

I would be fuming if I was you. The time for him to raise objections if he had serious ones was before the RSVP and the fact that he is only doing it now suggests to me he is just messing you around.

Well, he seems sure he is going to come up on the train on the morning of the wedding. I very much think it has to be seen to be believed.

He will get drunk at mummys house on his birthday.
He will have a hangover the next morning.
The train leaves at 07.20.

And I have also been told "I'm not getting a taxi from the station - you can pick me up!".
I said - well you know my mums number, call and ask her if she will do that (Im not taking my car)
"I didnt mean your mum, I meant you getting a taxi and meeting me at the station"

Maybe he has a phobia of taxis...

I'm sure he will have a much better time slagging me off to mummy and his brother than he would have if I were to take him out anyway!