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Original poster

I'm in love with DH's best friend.

634 replies

Feronia · 04/06/2011 20:54

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/06/2011 20:56

He's not much of a best friend to your DH is he?

Honeybee79 · 04/06/2011 20:57

I'm not without some sympathy, but really, don't go there. Put a lid on the can of worms and walk away.

Were you happy with your DH before this guy walked into your life or are there other issues?

opalinski · 04/06/2011 20:58

What is you dh like? What does he do for a living? I might like to fuck him. Would that be ok? Looks like he might be up for grabs soon

Nixea · 04/06/2011 20:59

It's entirely possible that it's not him you're in love with, it's the attentiveness. Either way, with a teeny baby involved I would certainly think twice before carrying on.

MissVerinder · 04/06/2011 20:59

Holy hell, you're on dangerous ground here. Might I suggest that you leave it for a few weeks while you sort your head out? If you tell DHBF, I'm sure he'll understand. I know that with a little one, it's hard but give 100% of yourself to yours and DH's relationship over that time. You're probably really attached to DHBF because he was there for you during that difficult time, but don't mistake that possibly temporary attachent to him for something that is going to withstand the fallout of any potential relationship.

Don't regret making him leave. That is your rational self butting in.

thelittlefriend · 04/06/2011 21:00

Are you asking if you should start an affair? Because no, you shouldn't imo. If you don't want your dh anymore then tell him, leave him, then start a relationship with this guy when you are single and available.

DoMeDon · 04/06/2011 21:00

You need to have a massive evaluation of your life - it's a lot to walk away from.

Earlybird · 04/06/2011 21:00

Do you have any girlfriends? Go to the park, shopping and for coffee with them instead.

You are playing with fire, so stop now. Delete this man's number from your phone, block all calls and emails.

whackamole · 04/06/2011 21:01

Seriously, don't do anything.

If there are problems enough in the marriage to want out, then talk to your husband don't cheat - especially with his friend.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 21:02

Its lust, not love.

Do you really care so little for your husband that you would tear his life apart?

Jennytailia · 04/06/2011 21:02

Finish things with your DH immediately. I am speaking from experience here. If the thought of that is more heartbreaking than not seeing other man then you know that you need to never see other man again.

I suggest you tell your DH you have feeings for other man so that it is made sure he is out of your life for good.

Do not just leave this situation, it will develop and ruin lives!!!

I have ruined my DP's trust in everyone, not just myself, I would
Go as fAr as to say I have ruined his life.

whiteglovetest · 04/06/2011 21:02

I honestly dont know what to say. Hard one.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/06/2011 21:03

You know, after we have children our confidence takes a knock and we lap up any attention that people wish to give us.

I think this 'friend' of your H's has walked in at a very vulnerable stage in your life and used it to his advantage.

I do feel for you, and in him you can see a different life, but try and remember why you and your H got together in the first place.

Recently I have met someone and he has told me I am amazing, he loves, he'll take care of me..... it would be easy to believe him and don't think i'm not flattered... but I don't want anything to do with him. I am happily married and love my H.

I sort of 'fell into' the situation above by not noticing this man paying attention to me, but I have told him straight and I have told my H what he said too, we all know where we stand and I'm just going to avoid him.

Would something like that work for you?

beesimo · 04/06/2011 21:03

You are a wife and Mam not a young daft lass, 'in love' is a dilly day dream don't wreck your family for a dream.

There would be no happiness or peace for any of you if you forgot yourself

takethisonehereforastart · 04/06/2011 21:04

What do you want to do? And why did you make him leave?

I think the best thing would be to stop seeing him and try to work on your relationship with your DH.

Which I know you won't like but the breathing space may give you time to put things in perspective, one way or the other.

Were you and your DH alright before the friend arived or were there other issues that left you open to this?

microserf · 04/06/2011 21:05

isn't it just because he's been there when you have been vulnerable?

take a deep breath and realise that this is the road to disaster. delete his contact details. then take the time to work out how you got where you are. this is going to take some time.

MissVerinder · 04/06/2011 21:05

And, OP, having been a cheater myself, I would venture to say that you would not be able to put up with the mental and emotional pressure you would be under, and take care of your DD at the same time. You are on the line. Please don't cross it. You want him, yes, and you feel wanted by him, but that does not a relationship make. Your DH is not blind either, btw and will pick up on this sooner or later. Step back, take a breath and really think about what you're doing.

KurriKurri · 04/06/2011 21:06

If you feel your marriage to DH is breaking down, then address that issue, either end it or work at repairing it.

If you decide to end it, then you can have a try at a relationship with this other man. To see him while you are still with your DH is unfair on your husband - you are using him as a fall back guy if it didn't work out with the friend.

I would suggest someone who has been with you for ten years and with whom you have a child deserves to be treated with honesty and respect.

I do sympathise with your situation - we can't choose who we fall in love with. But I would have my doubts about someone who betrays his best friend.

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 21:10

My relationship was DH was great before this. I was in a bit of a mess after having our daughter (terrible labour, EMCS) and we didn't really have time to get back to our normal selves before X arrived. Since then though we've been fighting, first about X coming, then about 'my moods', DH's work. This man has been such a massive part of my life for the past year almost. All of my 'first' memories with DD involve him.

I'm lost. I'm supposed to be having 'date night' with my DH but I feel like he'll see straight through me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 21:11

If this bloke would make a move on his best mates wife, then he is scum. You will soon find that out, when he is seeing someone behind your back, because it would happen.

Imagine if you split with your husband and try to make a relationship with this man. How will your husband feel. How will the atmosphere be, for the rest of your life, because he will always be your childs' father.

cantspel · 04/06/2011 21:12

You are not in love with him. If it had been a female friend who had offered you the support that this man has would you think you was in love with her?

No he has just been there for you when you were feeling at your lowest and he is now taking advantage of the situation. Do you really want a man who would try it on with his best friends wife?

squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 21:13

No he HASNT been a massive part of your life. He has just been an escape from the mundane day to day life for a few months. Your husband has been a massive part of your life. You really need to get a grip, honestly.

Do not throw away your family life on what honestly is nothing but a fantasy in your head.

bringmesunshine2009 · 04/06/2011 21:14

BIG FREAKING ALARM BELLS He is there for you at a time which is traditionally a bit mental, lonely and devoid of adult company. Fills a void. Maybe is a little touch of PND, manifests in many ways.

I ruined ex-DHs life too. Guilty guilty guilty. Pull the ejector seat handle and stick with marriage. Is so great to feel wanted and engaged with someone interesting when you have just had a baby. Which is clearly a time for feeling like your identity as an attractive woman has been hijacked.

The guy is taking advantage of you (wittingly or not) at a vulnerable time and doing dirty on his own best friend.

Five years ago I would have said, get in there, this could be the love of your life and you cna't account for timing. 5 years on, I HAVE LEANT MY BLOODY LESSON.

Hugs to you, you sound like you need them.

MrsCampbellBlack · 04/06/2011 21:14

Oh dear.

Well I think you need to cut all contact with this man and try and re-build things with your DH. You know the DH who has been out at work presumably whilst you and x ambled along to baby clinic.

And if that doesn't work - then you tell your DH the marriage is over and look forward to explaining to your DD how you and your new man got together.

bringmesunshine2009 · 04/06/2011 21:16

PS maybe you need to learn how to connect with DH post DD as you did pre DD. I would go so far as to say childbirth can make you completely different ppl.

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