I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

So he's planning a group ski-ing holiday whilst making moves on his best-friend's wife - seriously!

Its not hard to avoid someone really - just be out or suggest your DH meets him out for dinner/drinks whatever.

But you know - you're going to do what you want to do really.

I can't imagine a life without DH, and I can't imagine a life without X right now.

Whenever X is playing with DD or pushes her pram when we're out I do feel such guilt and betrayal.

And I can't remember who said it, but I can't just go out on date night, as soon as I said I wasn't sure I was up to it DH went out. With X. It's like Greek tragedy.

Its not a greek tragedy - good lord - pull yourself together as my mother would say.

Put yourself in your DH's position - he's the one whose position is tragic.

It is what you make of it. Remember, YOU have put your family in this situation.

But before you continue this, do bear in mind that you will be a single mum, and will have to arrange access agreements, where your dd will stay with your ex husband maybe every second weekend, and he might even go for shared parenting, where your dd lives one week with you, and one week with your ex husband. Is it really worth it just because you have ants in your pants? Is this the best you can offer your baby girl?

And absolutley stop all the walks in the park with x - seriously he has behaved badly but is often said on mn - you are the one in the relationship who took those vows/made the commitment.

Or are you actually in Love Actually or The ARchers?

It was me on about date night. If X is out with DH, aren't you worried? In vino veritas and all that. If it's not too far gone, you'll have to put on your big girl pants, suck it up and put some effort in to yours and DH's relationship, whilst ensuring hr does too.

You need to stop all contact with X. Immediately.

He has taken advantage of you at a vulnerable time - the first few post-natal months when mothers can be emotionally fragile. He has also deeply betrayed his best friend.

You also need to start working on your relationship with your DH. Start by talking to him.

Please - nothing good could come of a relationship that started this way.

It's all illicit and exciting and the "first flush of love" at the moment.

Imagine a few years down the line, when he's farting next to you on the sofa and picking his nose and you are washing his skid marked boxers, and you're wondering "if he could betray his best mate he could easily betray me".

Get a grip. Decide if things can work with your DH before throwing it all away for someone with no morals or loyalty.

MissVerinder - of course I'm worried! Everytime he's out with him I'm worried. It's making me a wreck.

I can't imagine a life without DH

Sweetheart, you wont have a life without him. Even if you split up, he will still be in it, because you have a child together. But he will hate you. Do you really want that.

If you genuinely dont want to stay in your marriage, then end it, but cleanly. Stop all contact with this other man, (if he really has got any decent bones in his body, he will understand and he will wait for you to be free).

If you do want to stay with your husband, then pull yourself together, stop texting, meeting and contacting your husbands friend, and concentrate on your child and your family life with your husband.

It sounds like X is filling the role of your DH, spending time with your DD, going for walks and such. If he keeps acting like the DH, you are bound to attatch that feeling to it, iyswim?
You are on a fine line, and I am sure you know it.
If you think there is a chance that you might cross that line (and it sounds like you might, pretty soon) you owe it to yourself, your DH and DD to be honest. If your DH isn't enough for you anymore, you need to deal with that, before you add X into the mix.
Can you look your DH in the face and tell him the truth? If not, back out before you do something you can't undo.

Do you go to playgroups, have you made any "mummy friends"?

If not, why not? Are you using the other man as a crutch perhaps?

Easier to have a nice walk in the park with him, than go to play groups on your own and make some friends.

First step: cut contact with this man, and get busy and involved in your own life.

If not, your husband is going to find out, and your cosy little world will be turned upside down.

Feronia - I would say X has enjoyed pretending to be 'Dad' etc - pushing prams and going to baby clinic etc... I would say it was unfair of your DH to let him move in, but if you continue this 'fantasy' you will loose both. Remember why you are with the 'father' of your child, and pursue all avenues to restore this relationship before embarking in another with an untrustworthy individual that is X.

Fantagrape, I have been to a couple of playground but I felt like DD was too young for them. She's not walking yet and it was difficult there with her.

I do have friends, but no real 'mummy' friends. I stopped meeting with my NCT group.

We have a Gambado very near us and I tried going there but it was quite cliquey.

Get a grip and grow up. You are a woman and mother and life is not a Mills and Boon novel.

What feels so exciting now will be anything but when you get found out.

Are you planning on going back to work? If so, when? If not, you need to concentrate on building a new life for yourself as a Mum with a young dd. You sound very lonely and vulnerable.

Look for some playgroups, music classes, etc. Tbh, I can't imagine going to Gambado hoping to connect with someone for a possible friendship - that would definitely be a depressing situation.

Why did you stop meeting with your NCT group?

Why did you stop meeting with your NCT group?

It interfered with her new romance by the sounds of it.

And yes, I am being harsh, but that is nothing to what your DH and his family will think of you if you carry on behaving like this behind his back.

I am not going to offer you sympathy and say poor you, I think you are behaving dreadfully and need some straight talking actually.

I was readmitted to hospital with an infection and missed a few meetings and then just felt quite nervous about going back... Like missing lots of school.

I didn't go to gambado hoping to make friends, it was just for something to do. :)

I'm not really sure of any music classes around here.

err, doesnt this bloke have a job? how come he has all this time to play "me and mrs jones" with you? He sounds like a real catch . Try and find some mother and toddler groups, ask your health visitor, she will have a list of local groups - it might take a bit of time and you may have to try more than one, but it is a life saver getting out and talking to other mums who are just as knackered and lonely are you are. This man sounds like a parasite

You need to stop seeing him - golly how many times do you need to be told that.

And make a life for yourself with your DD - go to toddlers, tumble tots, jo jingles whatever - you will meet nice people there who aren't trying to wreck your marriage.

Or you know - don't but do then tell your DH whats going on. And then you and Romeo (the unemployed one) can go and play star crossed lovers in his garrett or something.

Good luck.

Why not just google the name of your town + toddlergroups? Simples really. Or see if you have a sure start centre in your area - they can give you a list of groups/classes?

Seriously. Concentrate on your DD and yourself rather than chasing a semi-formed fantasy that has the potential to hurt so many people.

Get googling for groups in your area! Or ask on here - the Mumsnet local section - for classes near where you live. Or wander 'round to some church halls (where classes are often held), leisure centres/gyms and nurseries to look for local parenting magazines.

And as someone else said, ask your health visitor.

Was your marriage happy before x's arrival?

OK, fair enough, you can't help who you fall in love with, and your DH's friend isn't necessarily the bad person that a lot of people here are making out... BUT it is ALL in how you handle it now.

Both of you need to step right back and decide what you want to do. If you decide to split with your DH to be with this guy full time it isn't going to be easy for a long, long time. Your DH will be devastated. With both of you. And instead of being able to cut his friend out of his life, he will have to do with him and be reminded of all this for as long as the two of you are together, in order to have dealings with his own daughter.

You reslly need to think about how this is all going to pan out - how it's going to affect everyone beyond the two of you in the long term.

And as I say, before that - please do just step away from each other for a while to clear your heads.

If you really are both decent people at heart, then this is where you prove it. Not by entering into some torrid, dirty little affair behind your DH's back.

Rejoin with your NCT class or a local NCT group. Look for local Mother and Toddler groups. Try swimming classes, messy play classes for your child and you to keep you active and out of the house and meeting with other Mums. Eventually you'll click with some one or a group of people and start doing things with them.

Or join a local gym and put dd in the creche there for a couple of hours to get a sense of yourself back whilst you exercise.

Hope things work out, the grass isn't always greener.