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Original poster

I'm in love with DH's best friend.

634 replies

Feronia · 04/06/2011 20:54

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Capiche · 04/06/2011 21:17

Can't people ever fall in love?

I feel for you op i really do. I don't have any advice apart from try to hang fire ,step back and think long and hard before you act

I really hope you find some clarity

DoMeDon · 04/06/2011 21:17

X may be the love of your life but far more likely he is not. The fall out from this will be massive. Only you can decide to take that risk.

Sounds like new baby blues and normal relationship stuff. Don't confuse those things with real issues. Make some time for your husband - your partner, father of your child.

nijinsky · 04/06/2011 21:17

Do you think part of your "attraction" to this man is because your DH ignored your feelings over not having someone to stay with you when you'd just had a baby and because you don't feel you got enough attention from him then?

Be careful of changing your whole future for this reason alone. The attraction might only be the for the new over the old.

Just one question. Why was the friend of your DH able to go to all those things with you when was moving down from London? ie no job to go to at all? Why did he have to stay with you in that case?

cannydoit · 04/06/2011 21:17

i would say this is infatuation not love, i am not trying to belittle what you feeling because infatuation is a powerful and its new and different to your husband and flattering but is that all worth your marriage. i have had a similar thing with one of my exh friends (not the reason he is my ex) and it all seemed so different he seemed to really understand me etc, but then we didnt live together have to pay bills together have kids together, you probably do have a lot of chemistry with this man and there is nothing wrong with a harmless flirt can be great for the ego, but if you are lacking something in your marriage you are going to be vulnerable to getting it else where.
please be careful here, because even if its time for you to move on from your marriage i would not be advocating going right in to another relationship.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/06/2011 21:18

I remember that first year after DS1 was born being a very vulnerable time for me. I think you should just take a while to recover yourself before you revisit this relationship.

I agree with the other posters who say this 'friend' is more than a bit shady. Work at your relationship with your husband and how secure you feel in yourself before any more contact takes place with X.

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 21:20

But how can I cut him out of my life when he's DH's best friend? I'll inevitably see him, he'll come to dinner for eg. And he's been discussing the idea of a group skiing trip :s

This is so hard. Maybe I could get over it if he wasn't always around.

I don't know how I'll fill my life without him.

How ridiculous is my life?? I'm actually crying at the computer :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 21:22

You have a child and a husband to fill your bloody life!!!

How fecking old are you? 14?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 04/06/2011 21:23

He is not your dhs best friend.

Shame your dh does not realize this.

This is shitty behaviour from both of you. Your dh was out working, earning money for his family, AND he had kind heartedly opened up his home to a friend in need. And a bad friend, with no moral scruples.

You and his "friend" seem to deserve eachother.

MissVerinder · 04/06/2011 21:24

You're going to have to fill it with your DH. Try and put some effort in, log off MN and get on with date night.

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 21:24

Niijinsky - he was made redundant from a media company and got quite a nice goodbye package. He's 'thinking' about what he wants to do.

I said that to DH when he said he'd invited him to stay - someone with no job hanging around, getting in my way. Making me have to go to the bedroom to feed DD, having to make sure I was dressed. It sounded like a nightmare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 21:25

Squeakytoy - I'm 30.

OP posts:
cantspel · 04/06/2011 21:25

put down the Mills and Boon and go and spend some time with your husband.
Tell him you dont want to go on holiday with his friend but would prefer to spend time with just him. Book somewhere that has babysitters and use them.

bringmesunshine2009 · 04/06/2011 21:25

Oh you poor darling. You sound like you need to be loved and are feeling very shaky. Or like someone who just had a baby. Consider whether PND is an issue. If not, pull self up by bootstraps. If so, get a bit of help. You will fill your life. Concentrate of DD. Think about when going back to work/getting job. Give a bit of yourself for DH, maybe a frank discussion required (perhaps not confessing to being in love with his BM).

Sorry if this advice is really shoddy.

bringmesunshine2009 · 04/06/2011 21:28

Ps all the ppl who say focus on DH...

... just a thought but if OP is having feelings for another, perhaps should work on loving herself first? As in if you just want chips and are told to concentrate on liking mash, you will only resent the mash IYKWIM. Not supposed to be flippant, but undoubtedly sounds it.

Earlybird · 04/06/2011 21:28

Your poor dh.

He may not be a saint, but he doesn't deserve to be deceived and betrayed by two of the most important people in his life - two people he presumably loves and trusts.

You need to tell your dh that you have developed inappropriate feelings for the best friend (no need to go into just how far you've let this go), and that it is best that the friend not come around. And then spend some time with your dh, some girlfriends (do you have any?), and your family (if they are around).

Flippingebay · 04/06/2011 21:29

Sorry to hear how upset you are, I feel for you!

No wonder X is such a large part of your life, you spent so much time with him when your DD was first born, it's a massive change to your life and he was there.. But remember, I'm sure you DH would have liked to do that, and be there but he was at work! You really are playing with fire. IMO I'd cut all contact with him, unless you have to, but make sure your DH is always with you, skiing holiday or not. Tell X too. Or talk to your DH, tell him how you feel and work it out with him.

nijinsky · 04/06/2011 21:29

he was made redundant from a media company and got quite a nice goodbye package. He's 'thinking' about what he wants to do

...and he came to the conclusion that he would help himself to a bit of his good friend's life?

God what a catch.

Couldn't he just have gone travelling or rented a house? Sounds like he's got too much time on his hands, no ties and nothing to stop him disrupting other people's lives. When he's finished doing that, he'll probably saunter off into the yonder with barely a backward glance.

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/06/2011 21:30

Should you want to carry on and have an affair with this man then do it.
But let your husband know first, then he can decide if it's worth staying with you.

Earlybird · 04/06/2011 21:30

Also - importantly - spend time with your lovely new dd. She deserves a great deal of your energy, attention and love.

MooMooFarm · 04/06/2011 21:32

OP You know what you need to do here - for the sake of your family. Cut DH's 'best friend' out of your lives. Tell him you don't want to see him again - and that he has to make himself scarce from DH's life too - in whatever way he can think of. It's no loss to DH because he's a pretty shit friend to have anyway. You and DH need to work on your relationship and you both need new friends. You sound to me as if you were lonely (you need friends who you can go for walks & shopping with, not a bit on the side). And DH needs friends who aren't going to try & shag his wife behind his back.

Your DH has bent over backwards to be a friend to this man - allowing him to live with you both because he had stuff going on. And this man has repaid him by trying to get it on with you. From where I'm standing he sounds like a creep. He saw a weak spot in your relationship and wormed his way in there - not that hard to do with a woman who's just had a baby and is clearly feeling a bit lonely and down on herself.

See him for what he is and don't allow him to cause any more damage than he already has.

MooMooFarm · 04/06/2011 21:34

PS and if you really believe your relationship with DH is over, for some other reason we don't know - then give him the respect he deserves, leave him, then spend a bit of time concentrating on your little girl and help her learn to live without her daddy, before introducing a new one to her....

Animation · 04/06/2011 21:38

Yes, you do sound madly in love - and you seem too far down the line with it to be able to cut off ties right now. IT's all VERY emotional.

ThatVikRinA22 · 04/06/2011 21:39

you need to remember why you and your DH are together in the first place. im not going to wag my finger and tell you your feelings are wrong. only you know for sure, but i would, before you wreck you marriage, seek some counselling with your husband to get to the bottom of WHY this man has turned your head.

get yourself to relate with your dh.

could you really face your life with out him in it?

magazinefiend · 04/06/2011 21:42

you are looking for permission to have an affair. don't. Very few relationships that start that way end well. you will end up without either of them and being a lone parent is hard. Have another look at what you stand to lose.

NeonGolden · 04/06/2011 21:43

I agree with what most people have said, you really shouldn't see him any more. You sound like a good person, but one who made a mistake. It happens to the best of us. You will feel so bad if you actually saw him again, although it'll probably be hard to remove him from your life, it'll be so much harder to keep seeing him. You will feel even more guilty, your marriage will suffer real damage. Don't do it.

Have a hug though, I don't agree with the holier-than-thou responses. I think it's understandable, not right, but understandable that you fell for him, of course it was a rough period, he just happened to be there... Just don't take it any further. Nothing has happened yet that cannot be fixed, maybe in the long run it's even a 'good' thing for your marriage, a wake-up call if you will.

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