I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

Feronia, you never did say whether X might be reacting to jealousy towards your DH (just wondering if you thought that might be a factor in his actions)

I'm not completely unsympathetic to your predicament. I've often said that for a woman, having a baby is like having a bomb go off in the middle of your life- you need to rebuild from scratch. For a lot of husbands, OTOH, they are like the building next door, they suffer a bit of collateral damage, but manage to rebuild pretty much the life they had before. It's tough watching them carry on while you are trying to pick your way through the rubble of broken sleep and sore boobs. (Just my experience, before anyone flames me for it!), but it kind of has to be that way, because someone has to pay the bills, and I sure as hell didn't want to leave my baby to go out to work in the early days, but yet I almost resented DH having a life outside the 4 walls of the family. It's NOT an easy time, and I think it is important to be honest, and upfront about those feelings, not hide them. X has given you something else to focus on, and you now realise that you have to address this- that's good.

I also think Disneyland is a good idea- your DH might be a bit misguided about how much your dd will get from it, but at least you will be away, somewhere else, WITHOUT X. Enjoy it. Can I suggest you both leave your phones at home? Really hope it goes well- my DH is always so much more relaxed on holiday, I always feel we get on so much better, so hopefully this could be a turning point for you. All the best

Interested in the dynamic between your DH and so called best friend. Your DH, doing well, running a business, living in one of the most expensive areas of London - presumably you are a rather gorgeous looking "catch" of a younger woman. DH now making nuclear family.

Old best mate comes to visit - he's made redundant wondering what the hell to do next, left a life behind in Scotland (quite major to sell his house?). He's feeling a bit emasculated next to old mate who is doing altogether rather well? X starts to feel a whole lot more powerful and important as he sees that he is getting power, a hold over mate's wife and baby daughter? X feels quite the important one with wifey all in colusion with him behind DH's back. X doesn't feel quite so bad that DH has a lot more than him on the surface. X is quite possibly also feeding DH lines - "yeah, bloody women, go a bit loony and boring when they have a baby don't they? Let's go out for some drinks mate, do some clubbing where there's baby free totty about, get that skiing holiday together. What stay home with her? Get over it mate, leave her to it. Let's have a bbq today, have a laugh"

Meanwhile, your tendency to isolate yourself, your difficulty in finding new friends (maybe had children earlier than most of your close circle?), your over protectiveness about leaving DD with babysitters mean that X is the perfect enabler for all your unhelpful behaviours.

Good luck with working it all out. Do not let yourself be used by this man.

There is also the element of men who knew each other in college (or in my exH's case high school) falling back on their old bachelor or even teenage boy ways because that was how they were when they saw each other every day twenty years ago. ExH and his four best friends from teenage years (one of whom was the groom) spent the wedding night of one of the group in the honeymoon suite, drinking. The bride was considered a good sport for putting up with it. I didn't attend the wedding and neither did the spouses of two of the others. The third was divorced and not a bit shy about horning in on someone else's family.

I do urge you to tell him about the kiss, as that will make it clear that it is not just you 'making eyes' at X. He has actively pursued you.

I'm glad about the Disneyland idea. Good suggestion above to leave the phones at home. Definitely do not answer any texts from X and urge your husband to do likewise.

Aside from all that, I do feel that you need to become slightly more outward looking. Getting someone reliable who can do ad-hoc babysitting is a good start. Like you, I was very nervous about leaving my son with someone else but (after a disaster when I tried to attend an interview without a solid chldcare arrangement!) eventually I managed to identify a local lady (retired nursery worker and grandmother) whom I trust completely. The way I found her was that she was working for a friend, so I already had that recommendation. Why not email your NCT contacts (even if you have not been in touch with them for a while, it will be fine) and ask if someone has a reliable babysitter or nanny who wants to do some extra hours. Then, spend some sessions where the babysitter comes to look after your daughter with you, then with you just in another room, finally with you going out locally. Another way to find such a person could be through one of the nanny sharing websites or via Netmums childcare board. Although I am presently a SAHM, she looks after my son one afternoon a week while I do some volunteering and is also available if we ever want to go out etc.

To meet friends, try a posting on Netmums (meet a mum board or similar title) or use Mumsnet local to get in touch with local Mumsnetters.

Also, how about doing something for others on a voluntary basis? Look at the Facebook page for NCT Kensington and Chelsea, they sometimes ask for volunteers on there. Also, you have breastfed your daughter succesfully - why not become a peer supporter via the NCT or Breastfeeding Network? Your daughter had the time in SCBU - could you turn that experience to the good of others? THe NCT have a 'Special Experiences' register where people write about what happened to them and, I think, also volunteer to be contactable if anyone else is in the same situation.

Hope you are feeling a bit better too.

How about being completely honest with your DH? It would be the only way to get 'X' out of your lives for good. Assuming DH stays with you.

OP I think you should consider how easy it would be to identify your dh from this thread. Say if someone worked with him etc and found out he was taking a sudden trip to disneyland with wife and year old dd...

They may make up your mind for you and tell him all the gory details

Wondering how you're doing OP. I hope that you and DH have been able to talk over some of the issues, that X isn't hassling you, and that you're taking steps to move on from him. Enjoy Disney with your family.

OP - hope you are doing OK.

Feronia, I remember reading this when you posted. I know it has been a decade but i always wondered what happened in the end? Did you stay with DH or dated best friend ?

This will destroy your dh trust in humans

ZOMBIE - resurrected after 10 years? just why?? ZOMBIE

Don't do this and ruin your baby's life.

There is no angle to approach this from in which you are not the bad guy, OP.

Oh ffs, it's a Zombie 🙄

But I'm invested now! OP come back and update!

This man is very bad news. What kind of grown man imposes themselves to stay at a friends house when he has a new baby and then moves in on his wife?

Oops just noticed how old your original post is ☺️

It sounds like an infatuation. Understandable given the situation but an infatuation nonetheless. Not love. Love comes from years together, ups and downs and facing both of them together. From sharing a life. What you have with X is something born out of a few weeks in proximity then a few months of almost secrecy which adds to the strength of attachment. That’s not love.

My OH and I have an open relationship and those flings outside of what he and I have are just that…flings. While boundaries are set and you handle your shit, sometimes they can still get very intense but, no matter what, I always look at my OH and know that at the end of the day, it’s him I want to be annoyed by in another fifty years. These feelings you’re having that are so overwhelming will fade and when they do, you will only ever feel a bit of a tug at the heartstrings when you think of X…maybe a bit of a what if. But if you love your DH and you have a relationship where you are best friends as well as partners, then that’s what you want to hold on to. Give it time.

Oh, for flips sake, zombie threads 🙄

DH's best mate is a selfish prick for making a move on his wife. It's even worse that he did it when you have a baby. Just awful.

Women often feel as though things have gone a bit stale in a relationship, feel trapped or even just a bit bored and in need of some excitement.

The grass is always greener OP. Don't do it.

X is a pos. you were vulnerable and he took advantage. This is an ego trip for him. He is a shit friend and a snake. Who stays for 9 weeks like that.

It sounds like you are in a severe emotional place - especially considering you’ve just had a child!

things that stood out to me ‘angry at first because there would be a total stranger in the house’ - why did dh decide this for you both??? Very unfair it even happened.

then the fact ‘dh is at work all day’. You have had this overwhelming bond and connection with someone else. Completely understandable. Having a new baby can really put a LOT of pressure on the best relationships and you need to be bonding as a family.

Let’s face it, this isn’t real life. How would it even work?

I wonder if you are a bit depressed and need to focus on that and yourself then how to improve things wirh dh. Good luck op.

Omg SO LONG AGO

I wonder what happened

🤢

Bloody listen to yourself.

Urgh. Zombie.