I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

Stop trying to justify this as being anything other than a quick shag behind your husbands back. Because lets face it - that's the most likely outcome.

It takes a pretty despicable bloke to do that do his 'best mate'. Doesn't bode well for how he treats people close to him does it?

agree with squeakytoy you are a challenge to him RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN way from him and back to your husband. This too will pass

What exactly do you want to say to your husband? And are you prepared for all the possible consequences? Otherwise it seems a fairly hasty thing to do when he has been out drinking based on a few hours on the internet and the advice of some strangers (good advice btw, but still...)

Imagine you are DH, new baby, new territory for him too, he was out earning a living and being proper blokey for his girls. Poor chap, he was doing that for you and being very charitable and a good friend to his 'mate'. I think he's the guy you want to build your life with.
I've been massively in love during vulnerable times in my life and i really do sympathise with your situation. Many, many other women have been through same. But emphasis on 'through' meaning there will be an end to this phase. Read 'The End Of The Affair' based on love letters, you'll recognise the depth of the emotions, but you'll see that all affairs eventually turn sour. Anyone who's been there will tell you.
Do the right thing and end it. Put it in a box marked 'nice things that happened in my life once' and keep the lid on.

Tell us about your dh - what is good about him, and why you love him. What drew you to him in the first place?

So much of what is written is about this morally bankrupt 'best friend'.

Many very charismatic men can't stay long in relationships. Once the 'magic' is gone (ie, real life sets in) they're gone. Can't commit and don't want to. X can say all these 'romantic' things to you because you are unavailable. If you became available (really available - not a secretive affair), I bet he'd not be around long.

Penguin - I was going to say that we need more time together, away from 'groups of friends' and that Im sorry for the way I've been lately and see how it goes from there?

But actually people are right, I should probably wait until tomorrow. I feel bravely stupid / stupidly brave after a few glasses of wine...

Feronia...

HE IS A PLAYER

for the love of God your child and your husband tell him to go! move out! leave.. wahtever but make him go.

he is making comments that"lead" you to believe there is a future..

Nice get out clause there for him. He has not said he loves you , another get out clause.

Pushing the fact that he is around your child more than your DH is.... what a loyal friend he is

P.L.A.Y.E.R.

If it walks like a player and talks like a player then trust me he's a nobtard .

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

I agree - don't talk to your husband tonight! You need time to think.

For what it's worth - any relationship in the early stages will feel "better" than a 10-year-old relationship with a new baby. It's great to have that excitement where you feel like you're walking on air and you count the seconds until you see him. Conversely, it's difficult to adjust to the new roles of parents, and it doesn't help that you are tired and worried about your attractiveness (or at least, I and every other new Mum that I've met have been).

My DH and I have had times when we have struggled, and when we've got through them we have fallen completely in love again and can't believe that our relationship could ever feel any different. A bad patch with your DH now doesn't mean that the marriage is over (how were things before the BF turned up?).

I do have a lot of sympathy, but you really need to reconnect with your NCT group and go our and forge a live for yourself. It's not easy (I speak from experience), but it is essential for your wellbeing.

Go to bed! Think wholesome positive thoughts.

It might not seem like it, but this is a temporary blip. You could wreck everything, for sure, but it would be building a house on sand. Please get some counselling.

The only feelings he has for you are behind the zip in his trousers and the challenge of taking something that belongs to someone else.

No man with any decency would try it on with his best mates wife and if you are stupid enough to throw away your marriage on a man like that then good luck to you as you are going to need it.

"He is there for DD and DH isn't."
Why is that? Is it because your DH is working? Or because you aren't letting your DH get involved? Have you even asked your DH to go on walks in the park with your DD?

I have seen the start of an affair close up, and it is very easy to find justifications in your head if you want to. It doesn't mean that it's true in the cold light of day.

I would also say, DONT mention anything about this bloke to your husband, because I can 100% guarantee that if your husband pulls him on it, before punching the blokes teeth out, this bloke will say that you came on to him, that he is innocent, and that its all in your head.

He wont whisk you off into the sunset.

Feronia, after my H had an affair his best mate tried something similar, having been the one who was there for me a lot during the fallout (we'd just moved area so I had no local friends yet - just him to spill everything to). Thankfully I find him dead unattractive (not my physical type at all) but for a week I half considered it as I was so desperate not to feel like I'd been forced into turning into a person I wasn't (just like motherhood changes you), before pulling back. I now think of him in a slightly repulsive light and take great care to keep away from him.

The man is a sleaze and is taking advantage of your personal upheaval. And as for picking on the fact your H isn't there for you and dd - wtf? Where does this 'friend' think your H is during the day, painting relaxing watercolours with Sister Wendy? No, your H is out there making money so you and your dd can have a pleasant life without worry. He is working for you and supporting you both. That's why he isn't in the house all the time - and it says it all about this 'friend'.

Earlybird - I could tell you a million wonderful things about DH..

He has never let me carry a shopping bag in my life :p
He had a new car waiting for me after my driving test because he knew I would pass.
He took time off of work and stayed with me during hyperemesis.
He gets up with our daughter to make breakfast everyday.
He's hilarious.
He loves my family and even supports my very wayward brother...
He's older than me and seems to have been everywhere and wants to show me everything..

But I know I love DH... It's more about the love I think I have for X and all the hours DH works, and how he had to surround us with people all the time... And it's about how much we fight now.

OP - my dh shagged my best friend because he felt close to her and lonely.

It wasn't pretty in the end, believe me.

They aren't together any more, it was all a dream for them, and a nightmare for me, a nightmare which my dc's still live in, a broken family.

Do grow up. If you don't want your marriage, leave it and give your family some dignity.

Christ almighty... you have a dream life with a perfect husband, and you still are not satisfied.

You are really living in a fantasy world.

I think the problem is, you have been spoilt rotten by this very generous husband, and you are bored. Having a baby probably put your nose out of joint because you were no longer your husbands little princess and someone else has taken your place.

I think you need to do a lot of growing up. Fast.

From what I can see - you have this one year old baby, who let's face it is pretty angelic and can't even comprehend screwing up peoples lives.

Can't you feel idealistic about that - that you and your DH created this precious amazing human being and that you are both a team in her upbringing - rather than this screwball guy?

Think very carefully. I suppose that once you become a mum you are always connected to your child and so that can feel restrictive.

I think having a baby is tough especially if you've had complications. Please really think through what life is all about.

I think the guy is creepy - trying it on when you are a new parent, taking advantage of the hospitality of his "best friend".

Lack of sleep does crazy things to people too.

Sometimes you dont know what you've got til you've lost it. You are lucky to have DH and it takes two to have a fight.

I think you should be open to your DH because you are going to have to tell him why you cannot see X any more. He should also know what a shit this so called friend is.

Yes he will be very hurt but as you can tell him you have stopped it before you ended up in bed with X, I hope he will give you some credit for that. I'm sure your DH isn't perfect and hopefully this will give you both the rocket that you need to work on your marriage.

But X is a player and a tart. Certainly not worth wrecking your DD's family for.

X has text me.

Put the baby down and come out for some fun? DH' can't stop going on about you. Lunch tomorrow when A's golfing? Mwa X

So.. I won't be able to talk to DH tomorrow then.

bloody hell....ive changed my mind

you fuck off into the horizon with X

I will happily come and console your DH.

not only are you childish , you are unbelievably selfish and precious...
Your DH deserves someone who appreciates him ,

brace yourself for the stampede

You think this is the behaviour of a decent bloke? You need your fucking head testing love.

Your husband doesnt deserve you, or his mate. :(

What exactly did I do to deserve that fit2drop? I'm going to speak to my DH?

You don't sound 'in love' to me, Feronia, you sound infatuated and that's very different.

Indulge in a little scenario-setting, it's safe and might enable you to see the wood for the trees, which you're failing to do at the moment.

If you start up an affair with X, your DH will find out - either you will tell him or X will tell him or you'll get caught out by somebody who knows you. People are always very happy to pass on 'bad news' and get involved in drama. Then, from the Romeo and Juliet feelings you're currently experiencing, you'll feel grubby. Regardless of whether you love your DH, he will then decide what happens in your relationship. You'll have broken his trust - and with his friend whom he trusted. It's a double-whammy. Still, you'd be free of your marriage.

So you and X set up house... only it's you and X and daughter. Not his daughter, your DH's daughter. What happens when X decides that he's not in it for the long haul after all? He doesn't think twice about doing the dirty on his friend, so why will he have loyalty to you?

What happens when your DH finds someone new to share his life with and you have to hand over DD to meet new wife? No going back...

You have the power to stop this. Get whatever help you need if you have PND or any medical problem that needs attention. In the meantime, stay away from DH's friend - you don't need to be involved, it's DH's friend, not yours. Concentrate on your daughter. Make time for your DH to see whether you can reconnect.

Make a decision when you're removed from X's influence and then act on it. Be honest and authentic, not deceitful and sly. X sounds like a 'catch', but he's not really, he's a cuckoo, ready to cheat on his friend and break up a family without a backward glance. He'll do it to you too. :(