My partners drinking had got us a referral to social services. And I'm scared.

[Thegirlgang]

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night. Minimum is 2 beers on rare occasions but mostly 3-4 beers. It can be more. His whole family drinks a lot. Like a bottle of wine per night.

before DD it's was annoying, but ok. Once I got pregnant. I told him he needed to stop before she arrived. It caused many arguments. I made it clear that he cannot be in charge of her once he has had more than one beer, this was a compromise as I was early postpartum and was desperate for a break. He works long days so that leaves almost all the childcare to me bar maybe 2 hours in the morning. If he gets up.

he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop. He says he only spends £35 a week on it. But I know it's more. He has hidden bottles from me. And lied to my face about drinking.

if I bring up drinking in front of other people he says I'm throwing him under the bus. If he do bring it up at home he gets dismissive and shits down which creates this heavy feeling in the house that I end up trying to fix.

there was and incident when he came to bed and threw the dog off the bed and the bang was so loud it woke me up. Which is worrying.

my therapist had to make the referral to social services because of it. And now I feel guilty like I've done something wrong and maybe it isn't as bad as I think. He doesn't think he has a problem. But in the 5 years I've known him he hasn't gone one night without drinking.

i've been going back and forth about leaving him. I feel lost and confused.

any advice?

Yes. Leave him obviously.

If alcohol causes a problem between the person and his family he has an alcohol problem.
Think what you would say to a friend or a sister if they told you this story. You’d tell them not to put up with it. What example does it set for your kids?

He’s an alcoholic. If he carries on drinking, your DD will have a shit childhood. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s the truth.

I would have left after he threw the dog across the room. Animal abuse is utterly vile. I don’t know why you have chosen to stay with such a lowlife. Leave before something even worse happens. You are failing at protecting your child and you dog every day you stay with him.

If he is so drunk he’s hurting your vulnerable pet and you have been referred to social services then I think you need to leave.

I agree. You have to do the right thing here OP, no matter how hard it might seem. This will only get worse.

Leave him! You cannot reply on him to be a capable parent. He is draining your finances for drink. Now there is animal cruelty, and what's in store for your child?

For the sake of your child, get out. It will not improve.

I think there’s more you’re not telling us too. You know you have to leave and things will be shit for a while and then they’ll be much much better.

Yeah leave him. It’s a bad situation and it will grind you right down.

I grew up in a volatile, addiction household. I’m 33 and have been in and out of therapy for 23 years, I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 13 and I still wake up in the middle of the night after horrible nightmares that can cause me panic attacks. Get your child (and the dog!) out of this situation before life long damage occurs.

If he’s drank every single day for that many years, 4 beers won’t touch him. You KNOW he’s drinking far more than that to be drunk enough to throw your dog across the room. Either that or he’s just plain violent. I’m not sure which is worse. Not your child/children are at risk

How can you be in the same house as him, knowing the threat he poses to your child?

The bar is so low in family courts he is very likely to get unsupervised overnights unless she has solid proof of his dependency and that it would impair his ability to care for the child. Sadly.

You need to leave (or he needs to). SS will expect you to put your child’s needs before your relationship with your partner, every time. You absolutely have to put their welfare - psychological, emotional and physical - above his feelings.

Some alcoholics get help, and sort themselves out and become good husbands and dads. Some don't.
What he did to your dog was awful-remember that people who hurt animals also hurt humans.

You need to leave, now, or in the long run, SS will leave you with him and take your daughter. You've given him far too many chances to change.

… and don’t tell us he’s a great dad in other ways. He’s a shit parent in the worst possible way and if you stay you are enabling him. He’s shown you who he is and what he is capable of.

She needs a plan to leave safely and carefully and needs to collect evidence of his addiction, perhaps the social worker will help her. However there are plenty of mums drinking similar amounts and social workers don’t take the kids away so it’s not clear cut. She might well get a family court judge who himself drinks a bottle of wine a night. When people on Mumsnet tell women to just leave with the children they have no idea what the next chapter of hell usually holds, he won’t just let them both go quietly

Advice? Have some respect for yourself, take any help that social services give you and get the hell out of there.

Yes they now encourage vets to report animal cruelty to child safeguarding as it’s such a common linking factor

Yep he would be dead to me....

I agree there's more to this. I can't believe a therapist would make an SS referral based on what you've said. I think you know what you need to do.

‘Any advice?’ Are you for real? LEAVE, consider your child and dog and do the right thing by them.

Sadly I can easily believe this.