My partners drinking had got us a referral to social services. And I'm scared.

[Thegirlgang]

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night. Minimum is 2 beers on rare occasions but mostly 3-4 beers. It can be more. His whole family drinks a lot. Like a bottle of wine per night.

before DD it's was annoying, but ok. Once I got pregnant. I told him he needed to stop before she arrived. It caused many arguments. I made it clear that he cannot be in charge of her once he has had more than one beer, this was a compromise as I was early postpartum and was desperate for a break. He works long days so that leaves almost all the childcare to me bar maybe 2 hours in the morning. If he gets up.

he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop. He says he only spends £35 a week on it. But I know it's more. He has hidden bottles from me. And lied to my face about drinking.

if I bring up drinking in front of other people he says I'm throwing him under the bus. If he do bring it up at home he gets dismissive and shits down which creates this heavy feeling in the house that I end up trying to fix.

there was and incident when he came to bed and threw the dog off the bed and the bang was so loud it woke me up. Which is worrying.

my therapist had to make the referral to social services because of it. And now I feel guilty like I've done something wrong and maybe it isn't as bad as I think. He doesn't think he has a problem. But in the 5 years I've known him he hasn't gone one night without drinking.

i've been going back and forth about leaving him. I feel lost and confused.

any advice?

As a child of an alcoholic, I think my mother made a huge mistake not leaving and am still angry she didn’t put us first in that way even though she is a great mother otherwise. All of it effects me in the present day and I hate that. It’s a horrible environment for a child to grow up in.

Just saw you are 4 months pp, this is a really difficult time and I’m sorry for that. There will be resources in place to help you. He’s the drunk, not you so don’t you be scared. Good luck

Do act now, but no need to beat yourself up about it. You had a baby such a short time ago and it is a massive adjustment, even in the best possible circumstances.

A more stable future is out there for the taking, for you and your child. Good luck and stay safe. 💐

The referral to SS might be one the best things to happen as it should the wake up call you need to end your relationship.

Please think about Al-Anon.

It’s helped me so much and there are online meetings all over the country every day. There are also face to face meetings everywhere.

The people there won’t tell you what to do but will offer you support and warmth. Then you can explore what to do next.

Just in terms of your children, addiction really does have a massive impact on everyone in it’s orbit and your therapist knows this.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. But living with alcoholism will make you think that way. It’s extraordinary how it distorts our thinking.

Take care.

Just to clarify for everyone worried. My dog is safely with family members and has been since the incident. He is welcomed there and well cared for

I know the horse has bolted, but it was incredibly irresponsible to have a child with an alcoholic, especially one in denial.
You need to leave, but there is a risk he may end up with unsupervised contact.
Make a note of everything, a diary of his drinking, any receipts, photos of the weekly empty bottles etc.
Separate now while baby is young, the likelihood contact with dad will be reduced/no over nights etc. You need to advocate for your child's safety, no unsupervised visits.
The later you leave, the more contact he could push for.

He didn't want her overnight. He wanted the freedom to go out and get drunk. His drinking became a lot worse, he lost his business and became homeless. He had to hit rock bottom.

He has got it back together in recent years, but DD was old enough at that stage to decide herself she didn't want overnights. They have a pretty good relationship now, because she accepts his limitations and expects nothing from him.

I will never understand people that get married and / or get pregnant THEN say “now that behaviour you’ve always had has to stop”. Stop it before the wedding, before the pregnancy. It’s crazy.

Huge hugs for you. My dad was an alcoholic. I lived my first 15 years living a miserable terrified life. It affected me. I then married an alcoholic and then divorced and continued to have relationships with abusive, drunk, controlling men. I'm now 63. Dont be me. Get yourself out of this, get yourself the help you need and leave because it won't change and you will ruin your child's life. Social services should surely help you. Do it now and you can move on. If you don't do it nothing will change and you will waste your life. Also, anyone who hurts a dog wants putting down themselves. I want much better than that for you xx

This. Collect evidence. Before you leave. Factual notes. Photos. Receipts. Take help from SS. If he can abuse the dog then he can abuse kids & you.

once you have evidence of his behaviour then leave
oh. & get all SS advice in writing. Or summarise it in email back to them afterwards. You need the evidence.

Does he drink and drive, OP? I understand your concerns about custody, it's an impossible position women sometimes find themselves in. Wondering if you could let the police know about drink driving when it's happening in the hope he gets a DUI, which will help protect others and give you documented evidence of his alcohol problem?

he threw the dog off the bed so hard you heard a bang ! That alone would make me leave. Your poor daughter having a waste of space for a father. Do the right thing OP

I think the only reasonable course of action is to leave him. He's an alcoholic and believe me it will get worse. You cannot trust him around your child and it's a miserable life being married to a boozer. He will put drinking above you, his child, his home, everything.

Leave, before it gets worse. It always does.

Btw. Wasn’t drinking here but the referral to SS was the best thing that happened for me and the kids. It changed a situation that I had been stuck in and wasn’t moving forward with.

best of luck to you.

As he has been an alcoholic as long as you've known him, the only viable options were to leave him before you got pregnant or after you got pregnant. Unfortunately you have chosen the harder one.

I’m glad to read that, you made a good decision. But what that shows is that you know your DH is potentially dangerous. You rehomed the dog because you knew he was at risk. Surely you can see that you and your child are also at risk? This can’t be easy for you, especially so soon post partum, I get that. And I realise that unsupervised access when you are separated is a real concern, but it isn’t a reason to stay where you and your baby are both at risk. All the best, I hope for a much brighter and more peaceful future for you and your baby. 💐

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

I don’t want to be that person. But 3-4 drinks a night doth not an alcoholic make. My husband is not an alcoholic but doesn’t love our cat as I do and has in a temper thrown over the duvet resulting in the poor cat being flung out. Not harm to cat other than stalking our glaring at husband, who also gets glares from me.

The LTB on here seems to assume actually abusive or dysfunctional behaviour - I like a few wines of an evening myself but am a fabulous mother. I fail to see the evidence on here that suggests the man is anything other than perhaps someone other than who the OP wants.

He is an alcoholic. If you get yourself some literature from Alcoholics Anonymous you will learn that there is nothing you can do to stop him drinking. Only he can do that. You have to decide if you can live with him as he is or not.

Thank goodness someone made a referral but there's no way in earth any child should habe to live with an alcoholic.

You need to leave him.

Yes you've done something wrong! You've stayed in a relationship with a drunk who abuses animals. You had a child with a drunk! You've done something wrong everyday you've stayed in a relationship with this man.

I hear you and I sometimes catch myself feeling frustrated too, but then I remember that I was brought up by a great mum and dad who respected and loved each other, and have had overwhelmingly positive relationship role models in my wider family, friendships, and in-laws. I also had stable mental health and good self-esteem so when it came to a relationship and marriage, I knew I wouldn’t accept someone who was not good and decent and hard-working- it requires some measure of self-worth to be able to do that.

Not everyone grows up with that; and we don’t know about the OP’s own background, but not all women are well-equipped to identify problematic men early on; or have sufficiently good self-esteem to be able to set the bar high for the men they have relationships with.

From the OP, this does, though: he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. as does Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop.

We can argue about how much 3-4 drinks pretty much every single night will impair someone's judgement and behaviour, and affect their mood. But prioritising alcohol over the welfare of your partner and child is very much a sign of an alcoholic.

And you are deluded

This is pretty much what SS is likely to say. There is no evidence of abuse. Not prioritising a food shop or a raincoat is minor neglect but only if that resulted in no actual food or a child not having clothing which I don't think is what you meant. Hopefuly if you do get contacted by SS this will help to change your husband's behaviour. Does he know?