My partners drinking had got us a referral to social services. And I'm scared.

[Thegirlgang]

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night. Minimum is 2 beers on rare occasions but mostly 3-4 beers. It can be more. His whole family drinks a lot. Like a bottle of wine per night.

before DD it's was annoying, but ok. Once I got pregnant. I told him he needed to stop before she arrived. It caused many arguments. I made it clear that he cannot be in charge of her once he has had more than one beer, this was a compromise as I was early postpartum and was desperate for a break. He works long days so that leaves almost all the childcare to me bar maybe 2 hours in the morning. If he gets up.

he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop. He says he only spends £35 a week on it. But I know it's more. He has hidden bottles from me. And lied to my face about drinking.

if I bring up drinking in front of other people he says I'm throwing him under the bus. If he do bring it up at home he gets dismissive and shits down which creates this heavy feeling in the house that I end up trying to fix.

there was and incident when he came to bed and threw the dog off the bed and the bang was so loud it woke me up. Which is worrying.

my therapist had to make the referral to social services because of it. And now I feel guilty like I've done something wrong and maybe it isn't as bad as I think. He doesn't think he has a problem. But in the 5 years I've known him he hasn't gone one night without drinking.

i've been going back and forth about leaving him. I feel lost and confused.

any advice?

He’s an alcoholic and it will only get worse I’m afraid. You need to leave.

Ok, I’m in two minds, animal cruelty is a no to me and I’d have ended it, and also the money issue

but as much as 3-4 beers isn’t healthy it is not alkie level or social services referral, so is it more than this often?

Leave him/kick him out

I know it’s hard. Been there done that.

I never reliesed how much I walked on egg shells till I didn’t

dd and I much happier now - she says we have a happy home

and ss - will be there to support you if you need it.

dd is on the safe guarding list as ex dh told paramedics he had her alone (he doesn’t) so they called ss and they contacted me and the school (dd was 8) - which is fair enough but annoying - as school knew all about it as told them day after I split with him and they told as I had it all under control

Sorry but I’m glad Social services have been notified because it seems you would never have addressed this otherwise.

I hope you are able to make a life away from him. It might be a disease, it might not be his fault. But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. You have one, short, precious life, don’t spend it with someone like this; he will destroy your life.

Come and join us here @Thegirlgang

we all know what it is like so can help advise or support you

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5557278-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I'm afraid you're minimising. He's an alcoholic.

Alcoholism isn’t defined by amount or type of alcohol being consumed.

Besides, the OP said she had found hidden bottles, and the fact that the guy can’t get up easily in the mornings suggest he is drinking more than he says he is (many people lie about how much they drink, especially people who have a problem with alcohol).

And really, whether it qualifies as alcoholism isn’t really the point. The point is that it is impacting on his family and finances. And the poor dog 😔

Another one saying there’s more to this than you’ve told us. A therapist is not making a referral to social services because you’ve told her your partner drinks 2 to 4 beers a night. Whatever the full story is you sound very sad and if you want to leave him you should. You don’t need to convince MN before you take action.

No, sorry, you owe it to your child and your dog not to stay with this man. He's an alcoholic, very much in denial and is unpredictable in nature, you can't have him around vulnerable children. You need to be the adult and protect both your child and your dog and of course yourself...

He has to get himself sorted. This can't come from you, doesn't matter how many times you ask, it has to come from him and nothing in your post says he's thinking about changing for the better and getting some help.

He's a functional alcoholic. My father was a functional alcoholic, except for the blow outs, and those have damaged me for life.

You know the answer.

What will it take for you to protect your child @Thegirlgang ?
He hits her?

Cut your losses. Get out.

Leave. Honestly, this won't get any better, if anything it will get steadily worse. Your partner is an alcoholic, it's that simple. Your partner's priority is alcohol, it will never be you or your daughter. People who have addictions will hide the extent of their addiction, they will lie, in some cases they'll steal and cheat.

At this moment in time, your partner can't or doesn't want to see, that he's an alcoholic. Unfortunately, it may take him to reach rock bottom, before he is willing to accept he is an alcoholic and needs professional help. In the meantime, you'll be still stuck having the same conversations/arguments with him.

You can't help him. He needs to help himself, along with the professionals.

Please for your daughter's sake, make plans to end your relationship, and keep your daughter safe.

3-4 beers is 6-10 units a night. That’s 42-70 units a week. The maximum safe limit is 14 units. What is an alcoholic to you if not someone who drinks five times the limit a week, harms animals when drunk and won’t have a night off for his wife?

As a former attendee of AA, he’s worse than many of the alcoholics I’ve known.

Was the dog OK?

Oh dial it down, I understand the recommended safe limits etc, but many people won’t be drunk after 3 beers, so no I don’t think that’s an alcoholic,

He will always love alcohol more than he loves you or his child. That's his choice. You now have to make a choice to break free from him and his alcoholism. Go to safety, and take your child and the dog. Good luck

The drinking daily isn’t ideal but could be worked through - if it is 3 or 4 beers he could cut back, have alcohol free nights etc. That said - I suspect it’s a lot more . The hiding bottles is a give away. My DP is alcohol dependent. It hasn’t been easy and his health is poor. However we don’t have children and he would never prioritise his drinking over shopping for essentials.
The animal cruelty is deeply concerning- that’s appalling behaviour- drunk or not. I would end the relationship over that - it’s a serious red flag. I would definitely not allow him to care for your child unsupervised.
As a PP said - “ you know what you need to do”. Your future will be infinitely calmer and happier without him in it

Anyone who's experienced an alcoholic knows you can't 'just' leave. Other posters making out it's so simple haven't considered the emotional turmoil and dangers of leaving.

OP you need to speak to womens aid. They can help with advice, an exit plan, emergency accommodation, signposting to other services for you and your daughter.

I fled in 2022 and the peace I feel now is 100% worth the stress of leaving. You and your daughter deserve so much more.

Think carefully about your future with him. Be aware that any children exposed to a parent who drinks alcohol frequently, quite often suffers from hidden harm. This is very true in all families with alcohol misuse, particularly affluent ones. You can’t control his drinking, you didn’t cause it, but I would seriously consider leaving.

You’ve both caused the referral, you knowingly had a child with a functional alcoholic, you made that decision.

it sounds like he’s losing his ability to have any regulation when he became violent to your dog. Don’t compound your mistake, take your child and pets, and get the gell out of there.

He threw your dog.

He may throw your child.

You’re just quibbling over the definition of ‘alcoholic’, which probably isn’t the kind of help or advice the OP Is looking for.

Did you miss what the OP said about the hidden bottles and the prioritising spending on beer over family needs, and the dog, and the arguments and the lying?

Why on earth did you have a child with this drunk . God some women set the bar low . Obviously you leave him .

I really can't understand when people blame awful behaviour on alcohol. I've had too much to drink sometimes. My husband has a few drinks every evening, if he's watching footy maybe a few more. On a rare evening we're both a bit tipsy together. Neither of us have ever thrown our dogs anywhere.