My partners drinking had got us a referral to social services. And I'm scared.

[Thegirlgang]

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night. Minimum is 2 beers on rare occasions but mostly 3-4 beers. It can be more. His whole family drinks a lot. Like a bottle of wine per night.

before DD it's was annoying, but ok. Once I got pregnant. I told him he needed to stop before she arrived. It caused many arguments. I made it clear that he cannot be in charge of her once he has had more than one beer, this was a compromise as I was early postpartum and was desperate for a break. He works long days so that leaves almost all the childcare to me bar maybe 2 hours in the morning. If he gets up.

he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop. He says he only spends £35 a week on it. But I know it's more. He has hidden bottles from me. And lied to my face about drinking.

if I bring up drinking in front of other people he says I'm throwing him under the bus. If he do bring it up at home he gets dismissive and shits down which creates this heavy feeling in the house that I end up trying to fix.

there was and incident when he came to bed and threw the dog off the bed and the bang was so loud it woke me up. Which is worrying.

my therapist had to make the referral to social services because of it. And now I feel guilty like I've done something wrong and maybe it isn't as bad as I think. He doesn't think he has a problem. But in the 5 years I've known him he hasn't gone one night without drinking.

i've been going back and forth about leaving him. I feel lost and confused.

any advice?

My husband is not an alcoholic but doesn’t love our cat as I do and has in a temper thrown over the duvet resulting in the poor cat being flung out.

You may be a fabulous mother but you are a crap cat owner and your dh is disgusting. Amazing what people will accept as normal.

I had to get food bank, not sure how relevant they will find the raincoat. He is currently our only source of income. We have a meeting with them on Tuesday. I told him and it did not go down well, he tends to shut down and avoid talking about it.

This is the absolute crux of it and unfortunately something most people don’t get so your ability to empathise is appreciated.

I sometimes feel filled with regret over the choices I’ve made. The terrible relationship decision and lack of sound judgement. Embarrassing behaviour. But I grew up with an alcoholic dad, no support for my mental health or wellbeing. I thought I just had to accept whatever I could get.

only now in my 40s do I feel able to say ‘hmm but what do I want/like?’

As others have pointed out- growing up with an alcoholic messes you up and even threatening behaviour like throwing a dog off a bed, can leave you terrified as you know they have no control. I tell very few people that I slept with a rolling pin in my bed as I thought I could use it as protection despite having nor had any physical abuse towards myself, I was very scared.

It’s the hiding and the spending needed money that worry me. My husband was an alcoholic and when I finally threw him out - our DDs were 2 and 5 - I found over 100 empties stashed around the house. He died within the year at 36. Social worker could be what you need to get the support to leave because until he is willing to change and he may never be, he is not a father or a partner. I wish you all the luck

Leave. I'm a child of an alcoholic, food was always after booze, everything was always after booze. It was absolutely hell growing up, knowing some weeks we barely ate as booze was needed.

Don't let your child feel 2nd best.