My partners drinking had got us a referral to social services. And I'm scared.

[Thegirlgang]

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night. Minimum is 2 beers on rare occasions but mostly 3-4 beers. It can be more. His whole family drinks a lot. Like a bottle of wine per night.

before DD it's was annoying, but ok. Once I got pregnant. I told him he needed to stop before she arrived. It caused many arguments. I made it clear that he cannot be in charge of her once he has had more than one beer, this was a compromise as I was early postpartum and was desperate for a break. He works long days so that leaves almost all the childcare to me bar maybe 2 hours in the morning. If he gets up.

he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop. He says he only spends £35 a week on it. But I know it's more. He has hidden bottles from me. And lied to my face about drinking.

if I bring up drinking in front of other people he says I'm throwing him under the bus. If he do bring it up at home he gets dismissive and shits down which creates this heavy feeling in the house that I end up trying to fix.

there was and incident when he came to bed and threw the dog off the bed and the bang was so loud it woke me up. Which is worrying.

my therapist had to make the referral to social services because of it. And now I feel guilty like I've done something wrong and maybe it isn't as bad as I think. He doesn't think he has a problem. But in the 5 years I've known him he hasn't gone one night without drinking.

i've been going back and forth about leaving him. I feel lost and confused.

any advice?

Op. You’re doing well, and are making the first steps, and I can see you’re listening to posters who have been through the same thing, or are children of alcoholics.

You can do this, take all the support you can get, and go and live a happier life with your little one. 💐

The vet records from after he harmed your dog might be useful in the future for proving the violence, might be worth asking for a printout and keeping it with your family for now

Aren't therapists meant to be told things in confidence? I've never been, but I certainly never would if I thought they could pass information on to who knows who.

It sounds like your DH regularly drinks too much and I wouldn't leave your DD alone with him, certainly not in the evening if that's when he drinks. Is he often drunk? Can you get him to talk to someone about his drinking? I guess leaving him might shock him into quitting. I don't know that separating will solve the problem if he has joint custody and your DD visits him regularly. He hasn't got a diagnosis of alcoholism and he will say he drinks moderately about one or two beers a night, which is well within guidelines.

But OP says she thinks he may be drinking more. So if she’s told her therapist that and told her the incident about him throwing the dog off the bed then that’s red flags for safeguarding and he has to be reported.

I didn't see anything about the dog being injured or going to a vet, just a thud as it was thrown off the bed, not nice but no injuries mentioned, just rehomed with other family members.

Alcoholics always promise to change when they feel remorseful how their behaviour has impacted you but they never go through with it. They promise all sorts like making an appointment with the dr and may even cut back for a month or two but ultimately their addiction claws them back.
You have a baby and need to reject living with a partner with any type of addiction and make a life with your DD away from toxicity. Addicts are toxic people.

He threw the dog off the bed!?!

I'd be gone after that. It's animal abuse. Which will quickly turn into child abuse, mark my words.

Confidential unless someone is at risk, then they have to tell someone that the person or their child is at risk.

Print outs don’t prove who harmed the dog so it’s probably worthless

any pet owner would take their dog to the vet in those circumstances wouldn’t they? To check for hidden injuries. Animals mask injuries

I'm not sure that anyone that describes themselves as a 'fabulous mother' is actually one either tbh. My mum would describe herself as so, she's a narcissist at the least.

This with bells on. If anyone abused a dog of mine, he and his alcohol would be out the door there and then and the relationship would be over permanently. Why do you think this abuse of your dog is acceptable?

However he chooses to dress it up, he's alcohol dependent, that's why he hides his supply. He's repeatedly chosen booze over you and the life he has with you. Cut your losses and leave before his behaviour escalates.

There was an awful story in the news lately about a dad coming home drunk shaking the baby to death and falling asleep straight after. It seems like you are looking into help etc so good for you and DD. Kids get annoying, cry a lot, don't listen, would you really want your partner to be dealing with her when drunk? It's not a risk it's a sure thing that he would not behave appropriately and that is the nicest way of looking at it. Getting social housing and claiming benefits are there for situations like this. Best of luck xx

Safeguarding legislation means they have a duty to report on case there is harm to children

I’m sorry but you knew about this when you got with him and proceeded to have a child with him????

one question

why?

Yes to all of this.

Spending money on alcohol that results in forcing the mother of your child to get food from a food bank, and causing the mother to have no way to secure appropriate clothing for the baby is financial abuse, as well as psychological and emotional, and a direct result of his addiction to alcohol. He has chosen alcohol above all else.

The straits the OP is suffering need to be hammered home to SS by the OP, and she needs to speak openly and without holding anything back about the treatment of the dog too. She needs help either getting this man out of the home or finding somewhere else to live.

Women's Aid would be very useful to the OP. Their general number is 0808 2000 247. The website has contact details for local offices.

In which case OP should work tactically with social services.

He can turn this around! However he needs to want to do it. You can’t make him

Occasional drinking and alcoholic drinking is not the same though. Alcoholics can experience long term issues with their memory, with the accompanying confusion and frustration that causes, and often have depression or suicidal thoughts because it is a depressant to your body. It causes poor sleep so you get the symptoms of sleep deprivation on top, as well as addictive craving which would make an addict of anything short tempered.

I’m so relieved for you to read this. You are not your parent. You can move away from this and be an excellent excellent single mum and recover from this relationship. Take all the support. I wish you so much luck

It depresses the nervous system, aka makes the messaging system in your body go offline or disrupted. That means your brain doesn’t work normally storing memory, modulating emotions, thinking rationally.

A depressant doesn’t mean it makes you depressed. Just thought I’d clarify that as people seem to misunderstand that a lot.