My partners drinking had got us a referral to social services. And I'm scared.

[Thegirlgang]

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night. Minimum is 2 beers on rare occasions but mostly 3-4 beers. It can be more. His whole family drinks a lot. Like a bottle of wine per night.

before DD it's was annoying, but ok. Once I got pregnant. I told him he needed to stop before she arrived. It caused many arguments. I made it clear that he cannot be in charge of her once he has had more than one beer, this was a compromise as I was early postpartum and was desperate for a break. He works long days so that leaves almost all the childcare to me bar maybe 2 hours in the morning. If he gets up.

he has prioritised beers over a proper food shop, over a raincoat for DD as well as many other things. Even after repeatedly saying he needs to cut down and it is affecting our lives. He won't stop. He says he only spends £35 a week on it. But I know it's more. He has hidden bottles from me. And lied to my face about drinking.

if I bring up drinking in front of other people he says I'm throwing him under the bus. If he do bring it up at home he gets dismissive and shits down which creates this heavy feeling in the house that I end up trying to fix.

there was and incident when he came to bed and threw the dog off the bed and the bang was so loud it woke me up. Which is worrying.

my therapist had to make the referral to social services because of it. And now I feel guilty like I've done something wrong and maybe it isn't as bad as I think. He doesn't think he has a problem. But in the 5 years I've known him he hasn't gone one night without drinking.

i've been going back and forth about leaving him. I feel lost and confused.

any advice?

Social services need to be involved because neither of you are capable of putting your child's wellbeing first. Him because he's addicted to alcohol and you because you aren't getting the alcoholic piece of shit out of your life and the child's life.

You cannot fix him. You cannot try harder to sort him out. He will not change until he reaches rock bottom and anything you do other than chucking him out will perpetuate the problem. No court is going to grant overnight visits in the case of a 4 month old anyway but social services involvement will ensure that in the unlikely event that he tries to get such an arrangement. Get him gone, and apply for benefits as a single parent.

And can you stay there if need be ?

do you rent or own ?

Contact a domestic abuse charity for help with planning a safe exit

You need to get out now..Your daughter is only a few months old and is already doing without appropriate clothing because her father prioritises alcohol over her. Your doung without food as will she be when she is older. Tell social work absolutely everything and how concerned you are for her safety if you split and he has unsupervised access. You can apply to use supervised contact for him to visit her in a contact centre. He wont be allowed near her by staff if he is under the influence abd staff will be present.

Potentially, but it's not the cleanest place for a baby. I'm not sure if that's really the biggest issue though

we rent in joint tenancy which means we either both have to leave or we have to get them to agree to do a seperate one. He has no family in the country which means he has no place to go.

He is alcohol dependent and won't give up without help. The alcohol is affecting you and more importantly your child's life. If he won't admit he has a problem or get help to stop leave him

This is a very important factor. You need to get some solid legal advie to inform your next move, which will clearly involve leaving you partner.

You have known since before you were pregnant that he has an alcohol problem, obviously it has got worse and will continue to do so- you have to leave him or accept this is what your and your child's life will be like going forward.

Him having no place to go is not your problem. Homelessness might be the trigger he needs to choose to change. He is violent when drunk - so far just to the dog but at some point it will be to the baby - and gets drunk daily. He is a threat.

If he is on the tenancy though she cannot legally throw him out.

She needs to be prepared to leave and I would suggest she speaks to SS in private to see what support is available to help her do that. They will need to see her taking steps to leave or she risks being viewed as an enabler and abusing the children by staying.

She can if she applies to a court for an occupation order. This is something she can talk to the social worker about
The court checks whether the applicant or any relevant child is likely to suffer significant harm if the order is not made, compared to the harm the respondent would suffer if the order is made.
If the applicant or child would suffer more harm by the order not being made than the respondent would by leaving, the court is generally required to make the order (this is known as the mandatory "balance of harm" trigger under Section 33 of the Family Law Act 1996.
The risk to the child if the mum leaves to homelessness is far greater than the risk to alcoholic deadbeat dad if he is forced to leave so the order should be granted.

It is worrying that only after he hurt the dog, did you do something to protect it.

I hope you are more proactive in getting out to protect your child. If you choose the man over your dc, then ss will hopefully remove the child to safety.

She can give notice on her own to end the tenancy for both of them though.

I appreciate she may not want to do that, it's nuclear, but she's not trapped forever paying rent and/or living with him because he won't agree to leave.

That’s not your problem if he doesn’t have anywhere to go

yes you can give ultimatums about splitting up if doesn’t stop drinking but you have to be able to follow them through or pointless

no one wants to split up. Be a single mum. I def didn’t but I had to put my child first. She didn’t have a choice to leave - I had to make that choice for us

sadly he will most likely always choose booze over your or your child

ex dh lost his

home
wife
few friends he had
older adult kids
seeing our 6yr daily
job
vehicle
health

and still drinks

he will never ever stop - he will die drinking

he’s one of the ones you now see at the park - glugging neat spirits from a bag on a bench with his ‘friends’ doing the same

sad

it’s easy for people to say leave them sat behind a screen with their happy marriage etc

it’s harder to do. But so worth it

If you have a few wines every single night, hide alcohol and refuse to have a night off you’re not a fabulous mother even if you lie to yourself that you are.

Yes, sorry. I meant to say at the start of my post that I couldn’t agree more with what you said.

I’m sorry I wasn’t very clear - I don’t know the full legal situation but what I meant was she can’t just literally chuck him out immediately and change the locks.

There may be/is a process and she will need to get advice on that.

I have already spoken to the Perinatal mental health team about leaving, and my therapist. I am planning to have a private conversation with SS too.

I'm currently out of work as I got made redundant 2 months in to mat leave, so I am also applying for jobs while looking at housing options. But when he has good days and is attentive and loving it throws me off and I think he can change, or maybe it's just stupid hope.

i grow up in a single parent family, and unfortunately the wrong choices were made. Which is in danger. This has led me to become a people pleaser which is hard to overcome. But I am trying.

thank you to everyone who has offered practical advice and support, I will be trying Al-anon this week.

to everyone else, this is supposed to be the alcohol support section. Please be kinder to people in the future.

Then you are doing everything right. All of these are good/the right steps.

If SS see that they will help and support you. You just need to see it through.

He drinks a lot by any standard, it' negatively affecting his behaviour and relationships, He's dangerously out of control and cannot stop. That's alcoholism.

So ever since I've known my partner he has drunk every night

And you didn't see this as a red flag and decided it would be a good idea to have a child with this man?

Really worrying how people normalise alcohol abuse

It won’t change unless and until he recognises the problem and seeks help. Neither you nor ss can make him. Do you want your dc to think this is normal and accept it in future relationships as that is the pattern you are setting, and if his family have normalised it is probably why he drinks to excess and is an alcoholic. Protect your dc and yourself.

You need to prioritise your child. This means leaving, regardless of how difficult it might be, how protracted a process it is, and how physically and emotionally exhausting it is.

Make it happen.

There is nothing you can do but leave him.

Note to other women, if a guys drinking is a problem don't have sex with him, he will not change if you get pregnant.