DD behaved abysmally and need to vent

[Innish22]

My DB looked after both of my DCs at the weekend and DD (11) and himself had a falling out. DB was furious when dropping them back and said outright that he won’t be looking after her again.
I don’t blame him and I’m very disappointed in her, but I also know that my brother holds grudges for ever, which means that this will cause friction for the wider family.
DD is digging in her heels and refuses to apologise, but she seemed upset this evening and I think that she is ashamed and will come around.
That’s it. I just needed to vent because it’s the last thing I needed to start the week.

No one has said what the limits are, they could be anything. She is clearly addicted and that is her parents' responsibility. It also sounds like she's been viewing troubling content which is also her parents responsibility. I don't think she should be using one at all but if she must for school then it should be supervised use only.

Woahhhhh DD is so far in the wrong. She needs to have her phone taken away and be grounded for at least a month! Conflating homosexuality with pedophilia is homophobia and has been used historically to persecute gays.

You should be more concerned about correcting this child's respect for authority and sexualities than preserving future childcare arrangements. I don't know how he is ever going to be able to let that go....I wouldn't look after her again after that.

I can understand him being angry. At 11 she realises this is an unacceptable thing to say. I would be very disappointed. He has probably heard such nonsense ftom outside the family; would not be expecting it within the family. Hope things settle. I woukd be punishing her.

I think we are arguing the same point from slightly different angles

Damn, this is a difficult one.

At 11 you are aware that words have consequences. And you would expect DD to be more respectful towards an uncle or older family member. That is very rude. If you can say that to your uncle, then well I hope she doesn’t say worse to people her age.

Yes, your brother has the right to be mad, but this should also be an opportunity for correction and to really highlight that she shouldn’t say these things. As an adult, your brother should actually be working with you on making sure this doesn’t happen again. He seems to be equally dramatic.

This must be difficult to deal with as I know the importance of family chipping in to help with childcare. Hope it doesn’t cause too much of an issue and hope your DD learns from this.

The uncle would be mad to ever be alone with her again. Look at all the people on here saying "there's no smoke without fire" with absolutely no evidence against him. Imagine if someone overheard her vile comments? It could affect him in so many ways. It's not worth the risk, it wouldn't be to me, especially when the daughter is obviously an awful brat with no respect for anyone.

Actions have consequences, perhaps the daughter didn't understand that but her parents should have.

You are naive if you believe she doesn’t know what it means.

OP said ‘Long story short is that he sometimes looks after a friend’s son and I think that DD might just be jealous.’

So it was clearly targeted at that. Children see the news, they know what these words mean.

She just has to watch the news to hear the word and its meaning. So she’s not necessarily viewing troubling content.

I think your DD has fucked that relationship up big style

No. I’m not.

Where do you think her total lack of respect and gratitude and her disgusting attitude came from?

Many people are reacting as if 11 is a little child, it isn't , she knew what she was saying and she did it for petty reasons I would be furious with her- point out to her that the age of criminal responsibility is 10, so she has missed her chance of being able to shrug slander like that off, it is extremely serious.

The fact that she’s 11. Girls that age have been disrespectful and obnoxious long before the internet came along

This isn't normal behaviour.

Well yes you are if you think that an 11 yo doesn’t understand what a paedophile is and aimed it at her uncle because she knew it would be the most spiteful thing she could say.

Conflating homosexuality with pedophilia is homophobia and has been used historically to persecute gays.

That is what we as adults know, but not what an 11 year old knows.

Her parent needs to approach this from the mindset and knowledge base of an 11 year old.

She is an 11 year old who has misbehaved and got angry. That needs dealing with. She is not a depraved evil being who wanted to get her uncle jailed. There need to be explanations to help her understand some of the implications of what she said but the adults around her need to approach this like sensitive people with her wellbeing clearly in the front of their minds.

No I agree - throwing insults like that is appalling. But Kids that age are perfectly capable of being spiteful and her reaction to her iPad implies she can’t be trusted to ever have it. Blaming what she may have seen online is a copout.

She should be punished and her uncle shouldn’t spend time with her or her sibling ever again.

I mean, have you properly given her a bollocking OP? Jesus Christ you’d hear me 50 miles away if my 11 year old child ever dared to say such an awful thing to a member of the family. They’d be in no doubt about the gravity of it.

And the wellbeing of others? People on this thread have assumed she was trying to say something by the accusation. That’s all it takes in real life for things to get out of hand.

This isn’t a time for sensitivity.

Utterly disgusting and dangerous behaviour.

Honestly, I wouldn't blame your brother for not wanting to see her for a long time, in his position, someone who would dare to even utter those words (where it's untrue) would not be forgiven. She could fuck up his whole life if the wrong people heard or got involved.

Those few sentences will have entirely destroyed his relationships with his nephew and niece, and his friend's son (who DD has never met, so had absolutely no reason to suggest what she did). He'll no longer feel able to babysit the friend's child, he'll no longer feel able to be alone with the niece and nephew who he loves, and will never be able to see his niece in the same way. The hurt will be huge.

He is also likely to wonder how others see him. Having been jogging along in life quite comfortably, he's suddenly been faced with the possibility that others view him with the same suspicion that some posters here, do.

I'd find all of that devastating, if I were him