I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

Doesn't sound like it's working for you anymore OP. You can't expect a house with kids in it to be quiet - that's just how it is.

Have you tried other earplugs?

This isn't working OP. It can only work if everyone pulls together. You had better go back to day shifts and accept it means less money.

I think it’s a bit of both, could you have white noise on and ear plugs? Could they be a bit quieter but not silent?

White noise machine! I sleep through all kinds of noise in my house.

I don't think you are asking too much at all OP. You sound as though you have perfectly reasonable expectations . They, on the other hand, sound pretty selfish and inconsiderate.

You say it suits you, but it sounds like it might not suit your family. Have you had an honest conversation with your partner about whether this situation works for her? Honestly this would be pretty awful for me, a) barely ever seeing my partner/father of my child or having synchronised family time together, and B) having to creep around during the day. It would have to be a really huge financial difference to make this worth it for me. Maybe she would prefer less money and a more traditional family schedule.

My partner works mixed shifts including nights and we have a 4.5 year old in a 2 bed flat so I sympathise with how difficult it is to keep the house quiet! Thankfully my partner is a deep sleeper but we do on occasions disturb him. However the biggest help is a white noise machine. Also helps with noisy neighbours at night! We both use one to sleep all the time

AirPods are a charm

I dont really see why going back to days is the only solution though. The whole reason I do nights is because the money is better and we need it. Surely asking for a bit of quiet for a few hours isnt the same as asking everyone to stop living their lives? I do feel like people are making out im being unreasonable for wanting to sleep when im literally trying to work and contribute to the household.

My partner works lates/nights and I absolutely hate it. It’s not just that it messes with family life, it’s also leading to distance in our relationship as we never spend any time together at all (no evenings together just watching tv etc). But I don’t tell him as the job he has is v important for his self esteem and also our household finances. His work makes me miserable but right now there is really no alternative. Do you think maybe she feels the same?

They could be more considerate. Have you tried sleep headphones? I use mine when I go to bed earlier than my two sons and don’t hear them at all

Asking people to permanently be quiet in their own home during normal day time hours is a bit unreasonable yeah. It’s understandable you need sleep but this arrangement doesn’t work for your family anymore

She seems rather ungrateful regarding the sacrifices you are making - therefor since she isn’t prepared to meet you in the middle and show some respect I’d simply go back to day shift

Problem solved!

Constant night shift just doesn’t work with family life.

You are living with a bunch of selfish bastards

I do see my family though, im not disappearing for weeks at a time. I get up at 2 and im around all afternoon and evening before I go to work. The kids are at school for a lot of the time im asleep anyway so its not as if they have to creep around all day. I’ve worked permanent nights for 2 years now and my partner knew I was doing the occasional nights before we had our son, it was never an issue before. I dont really understand why me asking for a few hours sleep has turned into a question of whether I should be working nights at all. The extra money isnt just pocket money it pays for things we need.

Could you wait till they’ve all gone to work/school and then go to bed till they get back? That’s what my friend’s DH who is on permanent nights does, then he gets up around the time they all get back again. He stays up during the day at weekends.

I used to work permanent nights with 4 children under 10 and my husband did keep them quiet because he understood that it was essential to my health and wellbeing that I get a decent amount of sleep! He often took the kids out for the day at the weekend so that I wouldn't be disturbed. Your partner sounds pretty selfish.

Can you change it so you don’t have to sleep
in at weekends then? Sounds like Saturdays are the biggest issue

Well, you both have a decision to make.

less money and day shifts.

or more money and night shifts and thus more consideration when you’re asleep.

what does the extra money pay for? If it’s - eg teenagers phone, then she might need to understand that if she doesn’t be a bit more considerate, then her phone will have to go. Or is it your rent. Because if it’s that, then the disparity needs to be made up. How much part time work does your partner do? They’d have to up that if they don’t think they should allow you to sleep.

Is it just the Saturday and school holidays that's the problem?

Unless your house has really thin walls it is totally unreasonable and disrespectful of your family to not even make an attempt to keep the noise down you are asking for no shouting and screaming not no normal activities if your walls are paper thin then they should be taking them out for a few hours

This sounds like the best compromise. If you work 4 nights, can you do Monday-Thursday nights, then weekends are free?

I expect your inconsiderate family enjoy the extra income you bring home by working at night. Tell them you will start on day shifts and they can pull their horns in. Night work is not great for your health either.

I agree, but many times you have asked for quiet while you're sleeping and received a flat No. If your family refuse to work with you about this, I don't see how you can continue.