I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

You don't need to buy a white noise machine... Try it out with a white noise track on YouTube or Spotify (make sure you don't get the adverts)

Sounds pretty miserable for everyone tbh

Is there anything you could do re putting an extra door in the top or bottom of the stairs? Or maybe a more soundproof bedroom door, and maybe a draught excluder at the bottom to try and keep the sound out? I know you say you shouldn't have to spend money, but I think it's easy to think like that when you haven't had to actually try and do it yourself. If you always had to be quiet from 2pm to 8:30pm I bet you'd find that pretty hard work, right?

As youngest is 4 I assume shes in reception?

So back to days and partner can get more hours in another job to make up the shortfall.

The family cant have it all ways.

Maybe if you sit your partner down and show the difference tge money makes and say if things don’t change you’ll have to get a day job

Privilege to ask if you can change shifts? Or to change jobs? Yeah sure, totally a mumsnet thing to change work related things 😬

There's free white noise apps too op that you can download onto your phone.

It's one of those situations imo where neither side is wrong but there has to be compromise. There's so much tech out there that could help like headphones, apps.

Is your house carpeted? If not, buying a rug would help too.

I get that they dont want to be quiet all day but nobody is asking them to be silent from 2pm to 8.30pm? I get up at 2.

An extra door might help but thats not a small job in this house and I cant just start paying for building work. The bedroom door is a normal door, its not like ive got it wide open with the tv on full volume downstairs. I have said I will look at other things to try but everyone seems to think its unreasonable to even ask them to turn the tv down a bit.

And yes obviously I would find it hard if I had to be quiet all day, but they arent being asked to be quiet all day. Thats what I keep trying to explain. Apparently asking for a few hours consideration is now the same as making the whole family tiptoe around me 🙄

I’m a shift worker and non shift workers just don’t get the tiredness that comes along with it. I moved out of my parents house 25 yrs ago because my mum just didn’t understand. She’d come home at 1pm and wake me uo because I’d been in bed from 8 and was “wasting the day” also sleep during the day isn’t as restful or deep as a good nights sleep so I really do understand

ear plugs and an eye mask are what you need.
i highly recommend the Howard leight yellow and pink foam earplugs they are brilliant. Once they’re in you really don’t hear much at all.
a padded/moulded eye mask is also a good addition just to help get good quality deep sleep.

i tend to sleep in 2 block. I’m in bed 8-11 then 6-8 that’s what works best for me but everyone is different. I don’t sleep the full time and often run on 2-3 hrs of broken sleep. Shift work and sleep are a difficult one. When I finish for my days off I get up at 11 and stay up so that I can get back to normal quicker.

that being said I you can’t expect the house to be silent especially with kids in. They should be mindful that your sleeping but should also still be able to watch tv.
The shouting upstairs is just inconsiderate.
sit down with your partner and have a proper conversation about it. Try not to get angry and emotional and just have an honest conversation. Shifts just don’t suit some families and it might be that it’s the case for yours

You don't think it's wrong to shout upstairs when you know someone has been up all night and is trying to sleep? This is a 15 year old not a toddler. OP can't expect total silence but he deserves to have the tv at a reasonable volume and speaking voices rather than shouting.

I can honestly see both sides of this op.

You’ve probably already investigated this but is there any possibility that you could look around for an entirely different job that pays more for regular hours or could you do any extra training to up your pay grade?

My dh used to work away from home for long stretches and I honestly preferred that to when he was working shifts.

Try white noise.
i got mine for £11 off amazon, I bought it for when kids were little and I can’t sleep without it now.

Can mum not take them out for couple of hours when it’s the school holidays?

Your partner has no business allowing her daughter to have a friend over . Too bad , she can go to friends'house or go out . Just tell them that sorry nobody can come over those hours when you work nights . They sound very selfish .

my friends mum did nights. we knew to be quiet when downstairs watching tv and playing. if i forgot my friend would sssh me.

your family seem selfish and totally lack empathy. in fact i think your partner is bitter because she’s carrying the weight of childcare, which is hard work, and bitter that youre seemingly getting out of pulling your weight.

you need to talk to her and say do you realise that my working nights bring in £xx more per week than if i do days. So if you want me to continue to work nights you need to let me sleep and be quiet.

if you don’t want me to work nights then you need to increase your hours so we can have the same household income and i could do some of the childcare.

its that or we drop our standards.

discuss

I am sympathetic to you except you keep banging on and on and insisting that everyone else is then problem ans you shouldnt have to do anything differently. Family life is often a big compromise and yes, its often the grown up doing the compromising because chilsren aren't so good at it.

A basic Alexa can be as little as £50 and can play white noise. Can more doors be shut to reduce television noise? Or can television be moved to a dofferent room?

Unfortunately, no, asking children to be quiet frim 8am-2pm is not realistic or reasonable.

'and my partner knew I was doing the occasional nights before we had our son'

that was 4 years ago tho.

A white noise machine is even less than that

My dad used to work nights and as kids we were told to be quiet before one and generally we were
headphones no music slamming doors or shouting these are perfectly reasonable and doable asks

They’ve got to meet you halfway – no need to be shouting upstairs when someone’s sleeping and keep the tv at a reasonable level. But yes also echoing what everyone else has said: white noise is the (free) solution. If you have a portable speaker even better. Turn it right up and sleep blissfully through any noise! I’d also add earplugs and a really good eye mask. Your bedroom will become a cocoon and your family can carry on as normal; everyone’s happy!

Which earplugs have you tried? I use the wax ones from Boots and nothing wakes me - even when we had a newborn in the house screaming at night.

Another one for white noise. It's amazing - especially if right by your head - you'd hear nothing. Really helps me

You can definitely get better ear plugs that the ones you have!
I completely understand the teenager could be more considerate, but I don't think it's realistic for a 4 year old to be quiet for 6 hours! And it's not as easy to get him out of the house to give you peace as winter looms. So I think both sides could do more.

They're being so selfish. Go back to day shifts and get them to do more work!

It doesn’t sound like you want to compromise you just want them all to be quiet till you wake up, which for school age children is most of their day gone. I really don’t think this will work long term especially as you don’t seem to be willing to try anything

Your partner and children are being very selfish and inconsiderate here.

It's not like you're in bed with a hangover after a night out. This is your life, your work pattern.

I've worked nights before (just short-term) and I really struggled to sleep in the daytime with all the general daytime noises outside. Had I lived with other people and they made the noise that your lot are, I'd have lost my shit.

If they cannot appreciate and respect your need for sleep, in order to work which financially benefits the whole house, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship/blended family situation.

As you said, you're only asking for it to be kept down until 2pm, that is more than reasonable.