I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

I would switch to working days for now. It doesnt sound workable to ask everyone to permanently tiptoe around

It’s not just Saturdays, it’s all the school holidays as well. In the holidays theyre here more or less all day, so it’s even harder. I cant just change shifts or be off for every school holiday because I dont have enough annual leave for that. I cant just decide not to sleep at weekends because im still working the same shifts and im not sure how thats meant to work long term.

The extra money goes towards bills and general things for the house, its not one specific thing I can just stop paying for. My partner does part time hours because of school times and our son so its not as simple as her just doing more hours either. I feel like everyone is jumping straight to me changing jobs when surely the reasonable thing is for us all to make a few adjustments. Im not asking them to whisper all day, just not have the tv blaring right outside the room im trying to sleep in.

They sound bloody inconsiderate OP When i was working nights in the early 2000s it was the housing association who thought i didnt need to sleep. Insisting on all day appointments that started at 8am. Or all morning or all afternoon then not turning up and putting me through the same shit again

I can see it from both sides, really. Of course you need to sleep, and it's perfectly reasonable that you need to sleep during the daytime when you're working all night to support your family.

But equally, I understand that they don't want to tiptoe around you and put their lives on hold until 2pm every day because that would be incredibly stressful.

I think you and your partner need to sit down and work out what's possible. You say that you need the money from working nights, but is this really the only option? Could you not earn the same money by working a few extra hours during the daytime instead? Or could your partner not increase her earnings instead to enable you to go back to days? Or could you not find efficiencies that would enable you all to get by with a bit less income?

If it genuinely isn't possible for you to go back to working days, then what else can you do to alleviate the situation for everyone? Better soundproofing? Earplugs? White noise machines? Agreements about maximum volume on the telly at certain times?

I think you need to be realistic about what is likely to be achievable in a house with kids, but equally, your family need to try to meet you half way.

When you say right outside the room, what do you mean, exactly? The television is on the landing? Or the room where you sleep is off the living room?

If you have more than one TV, can there be an agreement about which one is used before 2pm?

YANBU , OP, and your family are being selfish and inconsiderate.

Your partner should be supporting your role earning your share of the family income.

Have you tried gel earplugs… they are much better than foam. I get mine at boots.. slightly more expensive as can get them online but find they are a bit more sticky… yanbu but it’s a difficult one tbh

The tv was blaring right outside the room you were in though, it was on downstairs. Tv downstairs on a Saturday when they can’t be in their rooms because you are sleeping is fair enough. It was a storm as well so going out wasn’t realistic.

We can’t make your partner take the kids out or your kids be quieter, which is partly why my suggestion is changing your shifts because it’s something you do have control over. Not sure what you want everyone to suggest other than that really, the only alternative here is for us to just slag off your partner and kids

My dad did shift work, as did most of the dads on our street - they were coalminers.

We knew not to make noise when dad was sleeping. Surely the OP's children can learn to be more considerate?

@cometsgoat 4 days of night shifts? Would 5 days of day shifts give you the same money and a more harmonious household, or 4.5 days? It would give you and your DP some time in the evenings too.

I grew up in a flat with a dad who worked nights (and Sundays!). We managed to never wake him up from being tots through to teenagers, so it can be done.

I'd suggest a Serious Conversation with your partner and children. Topic of conversation - paying the bills, how do we manage that? Right back to basics. How much do we need, where do we earn it from? If you worked days, what would the shortfall be and how could that be made up? If you continue to work nights, how can we make that work so that you don't damage your health through lack of sleep? The foundations of the conversation needs to be WHY you work nights, and the teenaged daughter in particular needs to take reality on board. Difficult, teenagers are notoriously selfish - but still a necessary conversation to be had.

If the TV is blaring, maybe she can use headphones whilst you're asleep. Doors don't need to be banged. No shouting up the stairs, I mean, just why? She doesn't HAVE to make a load of noise, she has choices she could exercise.

Can you insulate the bedroom a bit better for sound? I'd suggest a door curtain, the rail a foot above the doorframe and the width extending a foot beyond too, with the curtain interlined (a deep, blanket-like padding). This could deaden the sound coming through the door, the more likely weak spot than the walls.

Why are you getting up at 2pm? That's at best six and a half hours sleep. My dad was rarely up before I got home from school. I'd be aiming to sleep until 3.30pm - 4pm.

On my DH’s last night shift, he’d get up at 12. Could you try that? It might mean an earlier bedtime than usual. I don’t think inviting her dd’s friend round is on, lots of people do shifts, it’s not like a mad unusual thing. Why couldn’t her dd go to her friend’s instead? Shouting up the stairs is a bit unfair, too. It’s lazy, drove my DH mad if I did it, not when he was in bed, obviously.

I think you need better ear plugs - I use the squidgy foam ones, and I once slept through the fire-alarm blaring through the whole house (thank goodness my parents were staying and I was woken by my panicked dad).

Also white noise - I can't sleep when it's windy, so I put on a youtube video of white noise/pink noise/tibetan singing bowls and that lets me sleep.

Do you wear earplugs religiously? Or play white noise (or rainforest soundtracks or whatever floats your boat)? If you don't do the above then it's unreasonable. I know you say you've tired earplugs but that you can occasionally hear stuff, but that sounds like you don't use them all the time.

In our household we had a set of headphones for the TV if one person was watching. That might be a good option? And maybe soft close hinges on cupboard doors and maybe door wedges to keep other doors open - because if someone has to unwedge it, that gives a second or two to register that you're sleeping before they slam it. And maybe some signs up if it's just thoughtlessness?

Basically I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Because actually being constantly quiet for half the day is really hard work - I know, we've done it.

The tv isnt literally outside the bedroom door, its downstairs but you can hear it through the floor and the sound carries up the stairs. Its an older house so the soundproofing isnt great and im not in a position to start spending loads of money on that when im working nights partly to pay for everything else.

I have tried earplugs but I can still hear shouting and banging about. White noise might be worth a go I suppose but it seems a bit mad that I need to buy equipment just to sleep in my own house.

As for doing 5 days on days, the money isnt the same if I go back to days, thats the point. I could probably earn a bit more by doing extra hours but then im working more hours for less money per hour and seeing no more of my family anyway. My partner could do more hours in theory but then someone has to sort the school runs and our youngest. Everyone keeps saying we need to compromise but at the moment it feels like the compromise is just meant to be me earning less and us having less money.

Tell her the options are she gets a full time job and fairly contributes or they have a bit more respect of someone sleeping

Really I thought it was the employER who decided hours and business needs. Not the employEE

The privilege on MN is astounding,

I used to wait till they’d all left at 8.30 then I’d ask them to wake me when they come home from school
as long as you don’t work every weekend quite till 1 pm isn’t a hard ask granted the 4 year old is a challenge
but the 15 year old shouldn’t be shouting having friends round and tv blaring

ask your partner how they plan to make the shortfall if you go back to days

If she got a full time job you'd still have the school holiday problem.

School days, she could start earlier if you stayed up long enough to do the morning school run, so went to bed an hour or two later, then use an after school club at the other end of the day.

Its really really hard to keep the house quiet with young kids. My husband does shifts and on a weekend I find it hellish tbh because I’m telling them to be quiet a lot but equally it’s still their house & a normal weekend / school holiday for them! I do try to take them out though.
I sleep with white noise myself, can you put that on? I’ve asked DH to do it but the sound annoys him. I love white noise!
Youre not being unreasonable but on the other side of it, it is hard.

No need to buy equipment - youtube has hours long videos of it you can use from your phone.

Decent earplugs I buy by the jar-full (although I only put one in when it's just me in the house, so that I will be woken by a fire alarm)

Could you give them time frames that they should keep the noise to a minimum, I think it's going to always be hard but if you said for example, 7am till 1pm, to keep noise to a minimum, it might be easier for everyone to manage it. otherwise, you are going to go round in circles.
I would also look at noise cancelling headphones, some sort of thick rug under the bed, black out blinds as well as curtains. There has to be some give and take with you trying more solutions and them having some set times that they can be mindful of the noise, but then also know when they can relax and start living a normal day.

I feel your pain Op from when I worked nights. It’s horrible trying to sleep anyway! You need to sit DP down and say you need sleep (you’re only getting in around 6.5hrs anyway). So everyone needs to be considerate or you need to find another job and she maybe needs to bring more money in.

Go back to day shifts and tell you partner to get another job with more hours. I bet your house will be more quiet after that.

You don’t need equipment just use an iPad / phone and Spotify until you work out if you like it - I use it on my Alexa all night but on the iPad if I’m staying away etc (I’m in Turkey right now with it on haha)