I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

I understand as my partner did this for years, we tiptoed around or went out, you need to sleep and dsd needs to respect this

What Rot!!!
it’s not lazy to be a night shift worker! Nor is it lazy to sleep for 9.5hrs instead of 6.5 hours!!! You wouldn’t say that of someone who slept those hours at night.

And again what part of he is WORKING at night can you not understand? He’s not off on a jolly he is working to pay for his family. Would it be better if he quit and claimed benefits so his entitled children can make as much noise as they want?

Work out the things that get cut from.the budget if you go back to days. Then tell them to choose.

And if they chose the money they shut the fuck up.
And if you go back to days? Your partner ups her hours

We (teens and I) don’t slam doors or shout when my husband’s on nights, it’s unnecessary. And I do think that is inconsiderate. However we do watch TV, chat amongst ourselves, run appliances etc. And he uses white noise or ear plugs.

Do you work for a housing association? If not im sure you will be headhunted by one

Do you work night shifts or live with someone that does? If not you have no idea what you are talking about. As for living in flats, you can’t expect your neighbours to be silent or else you are unreasonable- like the poster.

Ok so tell her you’ll be going back to day shifts, and she’ll have to go back full time to pay for the extra childcare it’s going to cost after school.

I did night shifts as part of my rota every few weeks and my partner would always make sure our toddler had enough activities to do to keep him amused so he wouldn’t wake me up, we lived in a bungalow and our bedroom was right next to the tv on the other side of the wall where our living room was. I’d never hear it though! I plan to do nights only when I return to work after maternity leave because the money is better and it means I can stay part time, and I know my partner will be respectful whilst I’m trying to sleep !

Tbh I do think YABU slightly with the timing. Go home and straight away to bed. Then sleep til 1, then shower etc when it doesn't matter about the noise.

No I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. My dad worked shifts my whole life and we always kept the house quiet for him when he’d done a night shift. When I was too little to regulate the noise myself my mum took me out or gave me quiet activities to do - as I got older I just knew to be quiet so he could get some sleep! It’s really not that hard or unreasonable to expect.

I wear over ear noise cancelling headphones and play an audio book.

I seem to zone out of hearing the book which also seems to block out other noise.

DH snores and gets up for work at 6am and I generally never hear a thing.

You could line the wall the tv is on with those sound proofing boards, they are attractive now, in oak & black/grey, people use them as media walls. That will deaden any tvs. Make sure your curtains/blinds are really good. Lastly it might be worth you looking at other ear plugs, try different ones, google ones reviewed by night workers.

No you're really not being unreasonable. Your household need to understand that in your family, morning through to 2pm is quiet time. It's just disrespectful to not do that.

Yeah I was with someone who worked permanent night 5 out of 7 for 10 years of our 13 year relationship

on one hand I was very considerate of his sleep needs and kept the house quieter.. not silent but telly was kept down, quieter music etc, kids were surprisingly understanding and luckily he was a deep sleeper anyway.. he also had ear plugs and white noise going

it destroyed our relationship in the end , I barely saw him, he was always
knackered, grumpy, we never went out anywhere because he also worked weekends.

its a horrible shift pattern and I think it should be outlawed personally, it also made him ill

You dont seem to want to make any changes or do anything to be considerate of your young family. Its hard and stressful to be quiet all day. Maybe you tell your family the things you are doing to minimise the noise disturbance eg ear plugs (find some that work its not that hard), soft close doors, maybe move TV to a different area? And then ask them to make some compromises too to reduce the noise. Currently you want them to make all the effort and you have zero flexibility

I’ve done nights myself and it’s sometimes impossible to do

you need time to eat and wind down from the shift.

I could never come home from my day shift and go straight to bed, id be too wired and hungry !

@notwhingingjuststatingfacts oh yeah that’s right, the four year old can just have a play date in the afternoon or pop out in the afternoon to meet friends.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s entitled to expect the whole family to tip toe around because night shifts ‘work’ for the individual. It’s not working for the family so they need to change their hours.

I HAVE worked night shifts as i mentioned earlier on this thread Neighbours wernt a problem The problem was the HA who expected this "lazy night worker" to be available all day for appointments and then not turn up then expect me to go through the entire performance again Please can you link where i said neghbours were the problem I wait with bated breath

Hi OP, I don’t feel you’re being unreasonable at all. Your family sound inconsiderate & rather selfish tbh. And I say this as someone who worked permanent nights for 15 years. Almost all my colleagues were parents too. Growing up, my Father also worked nights. There is nothing harmful or unreasonable about teaching children to be considerate of their parent, who unlike them has been at work all night, & therefore needs to sleep during the day.

It’s perfectly possible for a parent to work nights, it simply requires some ground rules & a considerate partner. In addition, children can be taught that a parent is sleeping & shouldn’t be disturbed. It’s about respect, consideration & co-operation. Of course a certain level of day time noise is unavoidable but I found blackout blinds, an eye mask & ear plugs made a huge difference. Sleep is non-negotiable, your partner & children need to understand this & help you to get the rest you need.

It’s quite simple. Don’t go to bed at 7.30am. Move the time until they’ve all left the house for work / school. You can help your partner get them all out the door, breakfast, dressed etc…

Then get up later than 2pm to make up the sleep time.

If you were working days, you wouldn’t be going to bed within 2 hours of getting home, so the same should apply if you’re working nights.

Saturday is a bit different as the family is at home. You’ll just have to manage on this day. Set some boundaries, TV on but no louder than X volume, friends can come over but not before 3pm. Buy better ear plugs or play quiet music to drown out the other noise. If you’re that tired you’ll sleep through it.

How exactly would outlawing night work be realistic?? No nurses, doctors, policemen, firefighters, carers, shop workers and many more. So please tell me how exactly society could function without people working nights?

My DH used to work nights - when he came home and slept during the day we made sure we were quiet, it's really not that hard. You can still have the tv on just at a lower level etc. Your family are being inconsiderate and selfish. You need to sleep, end of. It's not like you've been out partying all night, you've been at work. If they actually cared they would be quiet. I managed it, my DD managed it - for years - why can't they?

You Seemed to have asked a question but getting annoyed because ppl don’t agree with you . Asking your family to be quiet until 14:00 is a big ask and that is most of the day. Especially in the school holidays I don’t think you actually realise what you’re asking . Better ear cancelling headphones would be easy to sort out .

You need to
a) take all the appropriate steps, buying a white noise machine is not an extreme thing, it’s essential if you have kids and are doing nights
b) sit down with your partner without resentment and discuss how she feels about this work pattern and whether there might be alternatives.

7:30 am - 2 pm isn't just a few hours. It's close to half of a waking day for a child who's getting enough sleep.

It sounds like nights are not working well for your family, which isn't surprising, they pretty disruptive. They're terrible for your health, too. It's hard, when money is tight, to give up on the extra, but it might be worth looking again at how you could manage working a day job.

It is obviously more reasonable to sort the bedroom out if you can, rather than have everyone else have a limited life. But also, it sounds like they just aren't going to be quieter, so you should get on with doing what you can. Sound proof the door. Seal the gaps in the floorboards if you have any and get a sound dulling underlay for the carpet (make sure you have thick fully fitted carpet). Better earplugs. Plus insulation in the lounge - Acoustic paneling on the walls and ceilings (or cork etc. if that's too pricey, you can paper over it). Fitted carpet and other soft furnishings all absorb sound too.

You are completely projecting one issue you have had that has absolutely nothing to do with the OP.