I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

I can see how from both sides.

I’ve worked the 10pm-6am shift and slept 7:30am-2:30pm uninterrupted so don’t think you’re sleeping the day away. I had a quiet teen and was single so could literally roll into bed while teen got ready for school.

I’ve also been the person keeping the kids quiet while my spouse worked from home. It’s really difficult to keep them quiet and stop them wanting to see daddy.

I think that you and your partner need to make a decision about whether to sacrifice the extra money if staying quiet is too difficult for them. If your partner doesn’t work because of the extra money then they may need to look into a job too so the bills are paid.

You are entirely right. Never a reason for anyone to be shouting or slamming doors. Anyone who thinks this is okay isn't raising their kids well with decent manners or emotional regulation.

Sounds like you need to stop working nights. If your partner complains about the reduced income, just explain that you can't have interrupted sleep every night. It isn't healthy.

It doesn’t suit you anymore. You have a family and it’s normal family living noises. You need to change over to days or invest in better ear plugs.

I also do permanent nights. My dp and child go out or are really quiet. Your dp is being so disrespctful, esp as the main breadwinner I guess she has never done a nightshift.
This behaviour towards you is not sustainable.

Can you get headphones for those watching TV to eliminate that source of noise?

I mean there’s a reason why night shifts pay a lot more. It’s danger money. Those who work night shifts die significantly earlier than others because it’s not natural and fucks you up. So, it’s mucking up your health and your family life. Doesn’t sound ideal

It’s not good enough! My husband does shifts and has to go to bed early. There is no way I would be shouting and banging doors. Kids are the same. I even ensure they have their showers etc before he goes down to bed. He is then again respectful at 3am when he gets up. He drove the car off the drive with the window frosted so he wouldn’t wake us with the car running to defrost and sat on the road away from the house until he could see out the window. Dear love you doing nights trying to do better for your family and they are being totally selfish.

You can't expect normal family life to stop through the day. This includes the tv being on and kids having friends around.

Either try a white noise machine and better earplugs or look for a job during the day. If it isn't working, extra money just isn't worth it.

Well the choice might be be quiet and get a decent Christmas or be noisy and get a more frugal one if OP has to go back to days

This is why night shifts pay more though. You want the sleep of a day worker with the pay of a night worker. And you get three days a week off.

They're not being inconsiderate, they're not coming in the room, they're not deliberately waking you, they're not asking you to do chores during your "sleep" time. They're literally just living their life in their home during normal waking hours.

I don't think watching television is being unreasonable though? I would get better ear plugs and white noise machine.

https://tinyurl.com/2vpr7a3t

These are the earplugs you want @cometsgoat . I slept through two old ladies having a scrap in my 4 bed bay in hospital with these in, never heard a thing. Didn't even know it had happened till a nurse apologised to me next day for all the screaming!

Posters are being ridiculous on here. Of course you can expect some consideration when you need to sleep. You sound like you’re the primary earner and being in a significant amount of the household money.

When did we become so entitled and allow are brats children to become so flipping entitled. If this was my parents when we were kids there wouldn’t have been a question about this. We would be quiet or we wouldn’t be in the house. Kids need to learn they are not the centre of the universe and that other people need consideration too. It’s not like they don’t have the choice to either keep the noise down or you know go out for a few hours. It’s not that hard surely in the school holidays to take the kids out for a few hours each day while you get some sleep.

Equally they could use headphones or keep the volume down!

Working a night shift for a long period of time is very bad for your health- you need to emphasise this to your partner and the kids. Suggest your partner works more hours to make up for the shortfall if you stop doing shifts- I suspect she will discover she can be quieter.

I imagine my last post has been hidden as I shortened a massive amazon URL. Guess that isn't allowed, oops.

Anyway, @cometsgoat the earplugs you want are Howard Leight Laser-lite. I slept through a fight in my bay in hospital with them in and never heard a thing.

Hrft but worked nights on and off for years followed by permanent nights for 3 years.

Partner at the time used wireless headphones with TV or went out for a few hours at weekends.

Daytime not so much an issue as he had early starts mostly.

It isn't normal to shout and slam doors. That's poor parenting.

Tv on low or headphones no shouting and slamming doors and friends round later in the day are all reasonable compromises
family life doesn’t have to stop but they just have to be considerate

So I'm getting angry on the OP's behalf!! Why do some people pretend they don't understand TVs come with a volume setting that's louder than an airplane taking off. There is such a thing as watching TV at a reasonable volume and watching so that the walls shake. The OP described that it was too loud. It is entirely reasonable to ask people to turn the TV down.

No clue why the OP didn't just take the remote / unplug the TV though (or the internet). It isn't for children to dictate the rules.

And the OP wasn't asking for silence or even quiet "all day" just for a few hours!

Play white noise over YouTube or have a fan going.......you'll have the best sleep of your life and won't hear a thing.

Yanbu tho, playing the tv loud enough to wake someone upstairs is just selfish.

But 2 to 8:30pm is 6.5 hours, which is the same amount of time as 7:30am to 2pm. Which is kind of the point I was making above.

I've worked nights and it is a lot harder to sleep properly during the day. I think some people are missing this in their responses - if I am sleeping "normal" sleep patterns at night then someone banging a door, watching TV, laughing won't be as much of a bother. If properly asleep I'm not likely to wake up and if I do it's easier to go to sleep. Whereas in the daytime even if you feel like you are sleeping "properly" it's usually a much lighter sleep. You are exhausted and this makes it more stressful when you are woken up and therefore it's harder to go back to sleep. Even with ear plugs in the noise of other people in the house doing stuff would stop me sleeping.

So I do completely understand where you are coming from and why it's so frustrating. I would have been incandescent about the TV blaring whereas it sounds like you asked politely. BUT it is also why I don't think the current situation is sustainable. I know it feels like you are only asking them to keep the noise down for a few hours and not be silent. But in reality for you to get a healthy amount of sleep you need the rest of the household to be near silent for about 7 hours. Because it is harder to sleep in the day so you are fighting nature already. I don't think that is easily achievable with children unfortunately. Either you are exhausted (and permanently damaging your life expectancy) or they are tiptoing around you. Or both. I would try to work out how to manage the household budget on dayshift money. Nights are fine for a short while but they will literally kill you long term. Or if you really want to work nights invest in some very serious sound proofing for the bedroom (this is doable) so that you are genuinely isolated from the rest of the house.

My friends partners parents live five minutes from them so he goes to their house after work to sleep and comes home around two. Not sure if this is an option.

These are kids literally trying to live a perfectly normal life though. Tv on is normal noise. Having a friend over Sunday is lovely. Kids deserve a normal life, not home being somewhere they tiptoe around. I wouldn’t be making any more adjustments
for you if you lived in my house, and yes I have worked nights.