I work nights and my family don’t seem to understand I need to sleep

[cometsgoat]

I work permanent nights 4 nights a week, 10pm till 6am. Been doing it about 2 years now and generally it suits me and the money is better than when I was doing days. Problem is I dont seem to be able to get a decent amount of sleep without it becoming an issue at home.

I get home about half 6, have a shower and something to eat then go to bed around 7.30. Usually try and sleep till 2ish before getting up. My partner works part time in a school kitchen so she’s up early with our youngest who’s 4. Her daughter is 15 and obviously has school and her own things going on. I’m not expecting the house to be silent all day but the tv can be heard in our bedroom, doors banging, shouting up the stairs etc. I’ve asked if they can just keep it down a bit while I’m asleep but apparently I’m expecting everyone to tiptoe round me.

Saturday was the latest argument. I’d finished my last shift that morning and went to bed expecting to get a few hours in. My partner had arranged for her daughter to have a friend round and they were watching tv downstairs. It woke me up twice so I went down and asked if they could turn it down a bit. My partner got annoyed with me for coming down and said they were just trying to have a normal Saturday and I couldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence because I work nights.

I do understand that the house is meant to be lived in and I’m not saying the kids can’t make any noise at all. There’s a difference between normal noise and having the tv blaring though surely. I work to help pay the bills and the extra money from nights makes a difference to us so its not as if I’ve chosen to do this for no reason.

The other issue is my partner thinks I should be getting up earlier at weekends instead of sleeping half the day away. I have tried it and I’m absolutely knackered by the evening. I want to spend time with them as well but I also need to sleep at some point.

She says I should get better earplugs or sort the bedroom out rather than expecting everyone else to change what they’re doing. We do have curtains that block most of the light and I’ve tried earplugs but I can still hear things, especially if someone is shouting.

Am I being unreasonable to expect them to keep the noise down for a few hours while I’m asleep? I dont expect the whole house to revolve around my shifts but I dont think asking for a bit of consideration is unreasonable either. Just interested in what other people with night shift partners do really.

From someone who works nights (albeit infrequently) you sleep pattern is quite strange to me. Really, you need at least 6h sleep but ideally more if this is your life 4 days/nights per week. With a 10pm-6am shift (which isn’t that long - my shifts are 12.5h overnight) id probably go to bed more like 10am and sleep until minimum 4pm, but ideally more like 5pm. Would this help with the noise situation?

Honestly, unless you live in a mansion or an annex, you cannot sleep peacefully when the rest of your family are going about their normal business. I have a sleep playlist and I would put that on quite loudly or have headphones (you can get a sleep one that is like a headband) but otherwise they will have to tip toe around you. I don’t think either way is fair - they should be able to do what they want and of course you should be able to sleep but that isn’t really possible.

Get some Mack’s pillowsoft earplugs. They’re made of a silicone type material, and are a total game changer.

I can be really sensitive with light and noise when I sleep. Used to have trouble with it, but for the last year I’ve been sleeping with anka soundcore noise cancelling earphones (pricey, but sleep is worth it!) and with a silk eye mask. More I sleep great and could somewhere busy/light.

Yabu. You shouldn't be trying to live in the same house as people on a completely different sleep/wake cycle like this. It's incredibly selfish and irresponsible. It's great you've found this works for you - you can do it either after you've moved out/divorced/decided to "live apart together" or after your youngest leaves home. Until then you need to have a job that suits your selfish needs a bit less well and fits in with the family needs. If you can't do that then you can't be in a family.

I’m sure your other half might think differently if you made the same amount of noise at 1am. For the TV could you get some decent headphones for the family to try? Then bit of compromise. You use earplugs and they tone down just a bit?

You say it works for you but it’s clearly not going to work for a family with a young child unless you live in a mansion. Time to find a new job.

Loop quiet earplugs, Bluetooth eye mask (sleepmaskz) playing rain music is how I've hacked nights in house shares

Yes, I was thinking this. You could always try to crash around making noise when they're in bed and then, when they complain, berate them for trying to force you to tip-toe around them.

People who've never worked night shifts really don't get it.

I've done it before. Four in a row is hard. I worked with a bloke who said night shift is worse than the broken sleep with a new born. He said at least you have a lovely baby to make up for it.

As others suggested, white / brown noise will help a lot. Play it loud and keep the phone near you. It sounds a bit like being on an airplane. You won't even notice it after a few minutes.

I've had the most success with water noise. It drowned out a neighbour drilling and the night they had a karaoke party......

Night shift can be brutal but there are upsides that still make it worth it. You don't need to change your job but you do need a solution. Try white / brown / water noise after your next shift. I think you will be surprised at the difference it makes.

Selfish and irresponsible?!!! Wow!!! You do realise the OP is the one out WORKING to provide for his family not out on a jolly! How terribly irresponsible perhaps instead he should claim benefits?

Its the wife and kids who need to pipe down and recognise that their lifestyle is dependent on money he earns.

It's not the same though because if someone was playing the TV at 1 am when I was deeply asleep I honestly wouldn't wake up. Especially if it was something that regularly happens. Whereas if I was trying to sleep.at 1 pm I would be much more sensitive to the noise because you tend to sleep much more lightly. Even when exhausted and in the "habit" of sleeping in the day there is a bit of your brain going "this isn't right". So I suspect, actually that the OP is more sensitive to normal noise (TV) so it sounds louder. While at the same time maybe the children struggle to remember to keep it down. It's noones fault.

There's a few passive earplugs on the market. They vary in price but it's worth giving them a try. I found that they block out most noise. I've also found that a basic fan works to keep air moving which helps me

White noise / better earplugs. You can't expect quiet during the day when you live with kids, especially at weekends.

I totally feel your pain. I’ve done nights for years, I don’t live with my partner anymore but the rows about it would send me crazy. Now I live alone it’s a lot better obviously but still get complaints when people can’t get hold of me during the day.
I know that’s not much help, sorry. Wax ear plugs are best btw.

Only if you're a total dick

It’s perfectly doable. Families have been making night shifts work for generations. It’s only since society has become so selfish and entitled that you have kids who can’t behave in a reasonable manner.
There is nothing wrong in teaching children that the world does not revolve around them and sometimes you have to do or not do things that make them a bit uncomfortable. Playing quietly, not having friends over during the day and using headphones are hardly big sacrifices. They also have the option of going out.

It's astonishing how many people are completely unable and unwilling to even stop to think that what is normal for them isn't the same for everybody else - especially when it comes to night workers.

Even in today's modern 24/7 society, which would utterly collapse if loads of people weren't routinely working through the night, so many people who have never had to do night shifts are so egocentric and don't have the faintest idea.

They'd be horrified if they learned of all of the 'lazy' Australians who are in bed for hours whilst they are up and busy!! It reminds me of that British woman who was in the news the other day, who complained and demanded compensation because she went on holiday to Greece and was horrified and disgusted to find that Greek people living in Greece tend to eat Greek food, and not British food.

You get used to the fact that it isn't as stony silent in the daytime, with the general hubbub; but very loud noises from within your own house are jarring, and so extremely selfish. Even the 4yo is old enough to know from school that you can't just make noise and have to be quiet when an adult tells you to - that's why young ones love playtime so much, because that's when they know they can start screaming and making a racket. Even if you don't use headphones, TVs and other devices have a very wide spectrum of available volumes, and nobody is being expected to sit there in silence.

It’s one of these rare situations where no one is being unreasonable really. You need are of course not unreasonable to need sleep and they are not unreasonable to want to live a normal life. Some noise is going to be unavoidable but shouting and banging doors is beyond the pale. I agree with getting better earplugs or perhaps a snoozeband and play white or brown noise through it

I wouldn't suggest doing it regularly; but sometimes, when people are so selfish that they refuse to listen to what should be common sense and to see things from another person's perspective, the only way to teach them is to put the boot on the other foot.

Why is it fine for OP's partner and the teenager (I have a lot more sympathy with the 4yo) to be total dicks every day when OP is sleeping after work, but OP would be terrible for doing it once to make the point to them?

You sound incredibly stubborn and difficult.

This is satire, isn't it? What a disgraceful selfish person to be working hard to earn money to provide for their family - one of whom isn't even his or her own child!

Really - so OP can go out to work all night to provide for the family and to run the family home, but then at the end of a hard shift, would be too intolerable a burden to actually get to live in that same home?

I sometimes go to bed earlier than my DH. When I do I can hear the TV through the floor BUT there’s a setting on it. “Nighttime” or something that my DH changes and I can no longer hear the TV through it’s something to do with the bass I think.

could you investigate and see if your TV has that setting? It’s very effective.

In my opinion you are being totally unreasonable- if you can’t sleep in the daytime with the normal house sounds then you need to work days. If you only find it hard in school holidays maybe do days for those and nights the rest of the time. You can’t expect the house to be silent until 2pm and you were ridiculous embarrassing your stepdaughter in front of her friend. You actually embarrassed yourself more. Yes I have experience of working nights and I have a husband that works nights - he would never behave like that. I think sleeping from morning until 2ish is reasonable- I’ve seen many a lazy night worker get up at 5pm onwards. Sorry it’s not what you want to hear but it’s the facts. Those that comment that have not lived/worked nights have no idea and as someone that has has it for last 25 yrs you need to sort yourself out or give up nights - just excuse after excuse as to why you are right and no compromise at all for your family - not acceptable