Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

I wouldn’t go for 6 weeks. Maybe 3.

I was a military kid. It is difficult for my parents to hear (never from me) about the harms this life can cause children. I don’t think that risking upsetting parents means we should ignore evidence of potential harm and set the bar to ‘things that don’t stop the world from turning’.

I feel a lot of opposition to this when women go away for periods of time is rooted in sexism. Men are allowed to go away for 6 weeks and no-one bats an eyelid, but when it’s a woman there’s all sorts of doubts thrown up.

In this specific situation there are issues of concern re. Bully kid but generally speaking a if one has a capable partner to look after his/their kids and they won’t be regularly going into an unpleasant environment I think 6 weeks is fine.

My kids are with their dad and they're fine. I'm sharing my situation, not judging anyone else's.

I think you know your own family best and what they can cope with. And also if you would feel comfortable being so far away or worried.

Anything you are unsure about, try to change it, or shorten the trip. 3-4 weeks together is still a considerable amount of time.

Cope? Why would any one deliberately put their child in a position to cope with something they don’t have to? Many of the situations you mention lead to children who grow into adults with all sorts of consequences.

this Makes a bit more sense. Instead of your husband paying for takeaway every night he could hire a sitter.

I’m in the UK I don’t know any children who go to camp for 6 weeks of any age and these children are very young. Personally I would balance the needs of my mother with the needs of my children and go for the shortest feasible time.

A question for you.
How do you think children are coping with one of their parents (and it can be the mum) posted abroad for months because they’re in the army?
Those who work on oil rigs? Etc…

The fact YOU wouldn’t be able to cope with being away from your dc doesn’t mean other people can’t cope or that their dcs can’t cope with it.

The OP is having some very unusual circumstances. Pretty normal to want to spend some weeks with her mum. Making her feel bad about it because you couldn’t cope is crap imo

Agree with this.

OP, would your sister lend a bit more money if needed to cover a babysitter a couple of nights a week for any days that your DH can’t take as flexitime or holiday? Could he swap shifts with others whilst you are away and take on their “unfavourable” shifts once you get back?

ETA I can’t get agitated about the takeout but it’s true that, if money is tight, six weeks of pasta, peas and sauce would be a lot more cost effective than a million takeaways

What about the OP needs? Are they insignificant or don’t matter vs her chikdren or her mother’s needs?

Maybe tge OP needs to see her for those 6 weeks, knowing she is unlikely to see her again. Or to even assist to the funeral.

Is there a school friend you could ask to have elder dd for those 2 nights a week that dh works

i had to do this after I split with dh and dd wasn’t safe to be left At his as work nights

that mum is my angel and I am so grateful to her for keeping mini blondes safe once a week for me

I help her out by having her dd in school holidays but she does more for me that I do for her and if you are reading this thank you mummy friend 🥰

so ask @justafteropinions - I’m sure one of her school friends mums will help esp if you explain why

does he only work 2 nights or does shift work

can he take 2 nights off /work days/holiday /flexible working while you are away

I went to oz for 2w and yes jet lag is hard for a few days but maybe see if can do 3/4w instead of 6

Do you work OP? If not would it be possible for you to go, take the children and enrol the oldest in a local school for a period of time? My friend did that as a child when they visited family in South America. I think the longest they were out there was two months.

6 weeks is too long

two trips of two or even three weeks if you can scrape together the second airfare

Unless you can find other arrangements for your children (can DH take the days off work, for example, or use parental leave?) then no, you shouldn't go.

You cannot leave your DD around this boy. I'm sorry about your mum but that's just not an acceptable decision to me.

When our twins had just turned 7 my DH was offered job in Sweden. I said he needed to do the job for two months and see if something we can up root our from the UK. It ended up being more like 10 weeks away. I was talking to my 19 year old about going to university and about not seeing until Christmas. I asked if she remembered when Daddy went away. She said 'No'. I said that was Daddy would read you books before you went to bed and you would all draw each other etc. and have silly video calls. She said, 'Oh yeah, was he in Sweden'. I said 'Yes, where did you think he was?'. 'At work' She replied. 'Working late'

Go and spend time with your Mother, you won't regret it. Children are remarkably resilient, your children's life will remain constant and they will be with their Dad. There are loads of things you can do. Reading the a book before bed if possible. Little treasure hunt, buy little treats or gifts before you leave and give them clues to find whilst you are online. A silly hat video call. A crunchy call. Apple, carrots, crisps.etc. You make it fun as Children can be (not all) a bit monosyllabic.

But they won’t be with their father for 1/3 of the time. They’ll be with a bully who hurts animals and lies about it and his mother who doesn’t stop him. It’s not the situation most would be balancing.

If your husband can afford take aways for 6 weeks, he can afford 2 days unpaid work.
You cannot make you child stay in the home of her bully. How can you even contemplate that.
6 weeks is a huge amount of time to be away from young children. Why does it need to be so long?

Totally her feelings are important. It’s a balance. I left my children for work trips and breaks. So I don’t think women should be martyrs. But equally parenting is sacrificial and I would not expect my young children to be without me for 6 weeks. You can of course disagree with me but 6 weeks would feel forever for children.

So a balance of going, saying goodbye, spending time together but also keeping the time manageable for the kids is a more obvious course of action to me.

I have dual citizenship for UK and Australia and have a couple of friends who've been in this situation, one spent 3 months in the UK in the lead up to her Mum passing and afterwards to help her Dad sort things out and the kids stayed in Oz with their Dad. The other friend, her Mum passed unexpectedly and she went for the funeral but stayed for several weeks with her Dad as she is an only child and there was no-one else to support. In both cases the kids left in Oz were older than yours, but all managed fine. Honestly your kids will be fine too. Obviously not ideal with dynamics with the friends kids, but presumably the adults are aware and will monitor. I have never left mine (and they are also older than yours) for any significant length of time, but I absolutely would go and be with my Mum in this situation.

Of course OP's needs matter but at the moment she's proposing to leave her 9yo in the care of a mother whose son bullies her for at least 1/3 of the time she's away.

On what planet is that acceptable?

Two nights out of seven is not at least one third. Posters have assumed this is at the weekend but I don’t think that’s what the OP has said.

(I don’t disagree that some alternative is needed to the six year old going to this friend’s house).

Even worse, her 6 year old. Who apparently needs to learn to cope better.

It’s not. The Op and her dh will have to find another way.

Whether it's 1/3 or not is pretty irrelevant though, even one day a week would be too much time for her DD to be with her bully.