Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

Exactly. Grim.

Absolutely go
You have all your life with your children. A year max with your mum. They will have to cope!

As a child who needed to be left with friends or family aged 6 (as my younger sibling was in hospital with one or both of my parents there full time) for a number of weeks… I was fine. I am sure there were the odd times when I had a wobble, but I don’t actually remember those.
your children will be fine, they have a parent, you can face time and still read stories… And you will be able to focus on your mum.

You think OP's six year old child should have to "cope" living with her bully for two nights a week, for six weeks straight? Really?

But this isn't being left with friends or family, this is the youngest being left for at least two nights a week (so for almost two weeks - 12 days) with their bully.

This.
I absolutely would not leave my child for 6 weeks.
And your daughter is already crying about the arrangements and telling you she doesn't feel safe. Shame on you!

Your children should come first. You can video chat / FaceTime your mum.

I think the people saying these things have only read the first post.

“Shame on you” how you lost your sweet mind? The OP is grieving, her mother is dying and she trying to figure out what the hell to do in a less than ideal situation where she is short of money.
And no I don’t think it would be fair on the 6 year old, but writing “shame on you”?! She’s not planning a girls boozy weekend its a once in a lifetime event - the death of her mother.

Because her mothers dying. And people only get to die once. Once she's gone that's final.

Your kids will be fine op. See if they can have afterschool childcare so your eldest doesn't have to worry about the friends annoying kid.

Insurmountable? Rubbish. The children will barely remember this period of time in years to come. They’ll be with their dad. Go. Spend time with your mum. That’s really important

Go

A lot depends on how good the children’s relationship with their father is. I know that ideally they should feel equally secure and happy with both parents but quite often that isn’t the case. I wouldn’t be happy with one of my children spending time in a situation where she doesn’t feel happy.
I’m grandmother generation and much as I would really want to see my daughter if I was very unwell I would not want her to leave her children anywhere where they weren’t happy.
On balance I think six weeks is too long. I would consider going for three weeks and for the children’s father to take some annual leave to minimise the time with the other family.

Go and be with your mum. Your kids will be fine, you can FaceTime and chat. You have your whole life with your kids. Last chance to look after and make memories with the woman who brought you into this world. Also, I’d be devastated as an adult if I found out my mum didn’t go on this trip to see grandma because of me. They will be fine. Sorry about you mum.

Lots of people will tell you it is fine, military postings are longer etc etc. And they may well be right. However, I wonder if any of those kids were ever asked as adults how it really impacted them.

I am afraid that for me it would be a hard no. My dad used to work away a lot when i was young. He wasn't military but his job took him all over the world. As a result I have very little memory of him before I was about 7 and those I do have were very negative. We don't have a great relationship and this is one of the causes.

I understand your reasoning, she is your mum, but for me I couldn't do it. My dd has never been without me for more than 5 days and then she was only a few hours away and on holiday with my parents.

There are things you need to consider if you want to go ahead, and I am not saying you shouldn't. You know your kids and how they will likely cope, but as I say I couldn't do it and I know my dd would not cope with 6 weeks without me. But consider;

What happens if 1 of the kids has an accident? How easily could you return?

What happens if their dad has an accidet or takes ill and can't look after them? Where is your back up? How easily can you return?

You say their dad, not your partner/husband...is he willing to have the kids for 6 weeks?

Where do you stand legally if he doesn't want to hand them back at the end of 6 weeks?

Unfortunately when family live so far away there are sacrifices that have to be made.

You need to do what is best for you and your kids.

I would go and even stay longer! I lost my mum when I was 24 and I never ever regretted postponing my studies and returning back home to spend time with her. As for your little ones, I would get both if I could afford it. The 6 year old will be finishing soon kindy and he would be absolutely fine being away for a little while and spend time with his grandma. Maybe get him in a school in spain for a couple of weeks!

Go for it, it’s only 6 weeks - you can FaceTime your kids.

No, I think she should be living with her father. Who needs to man up an be an equal parent

Six weeks is a very long time to a four year old. I wouldn’t do it, perhaps for a couple of weeks but no longer.

Personally I wouldn’t want to go for that long. 3 or 4 weeks would probably be my max.

So awful for you to have such a heartbreaking dilemma. Is there any scope to look at taking the 6 year old and leaving the 4 year old? Would school be sympathetic due to the circumstances? Alternatively, and you absolutely shouldn't have to, but could the boy be bribed with 'I will bring you something nice when I come back if there are no incidents while I'm away'? No idea if that would be appropriate, or even work, but this is a one off situation. Wishing you strength.

What?!

There is zero to suggest her kids father won’t give her kids back.

The kids live in a first world country. In the unlikely event of an accident they would be taken care of and the Op could fly back.

Im sorry to hear about your dad but the two situations aren’t at all comparable. You are acting as if the Op has suggested going for 6 years so has to make all these plans. She has enough to deal with.

She should go and see her dying mother. It’s so odd to me the way the mother and child is so precious that children can’t be left, but at adulthood suddenly that goes out the window and being with your dying mother isn’t a priority.

Absolutely. Your children will be fine. They may miss you but it's not that long and you can call them every day if you wish! I would do the same. You leaving for 6 weeks won't have a lasting impact on your children - I'm sure you'll explain everything to them before you leave so they know you're coming back. Start a countdown with them on a calendar where they can mark off days that you're gone so it's a visual reminder you're coming home. Let the school/nursery know.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Go and spend time with your mother. You sound like a lovely mum and daughter.

But that's not the proposed solution - OP claims he has to work so she will be leaving her 6yo to be bullied for 2 nights a week.

I am surprised that so many people think it’s not a big deal from the children’s perspective. Six weeks without my mum as a kid would have been a very long time. I really missed her when she went on the odd week-long holiday and was counting down till she returned. My 4 and 7yo would find it very difficult not seeing me for six weeks too I think and miss me a lot. They are really glad when I return after a long weekend! It’s a big chunk of time for young children in particular. And I wouldn’t want to not see them for six weeks at this age, that’s a bit unthinkable to me.

My friend’s husband works a month on month off and I do think it does affect their kids quite a lot not seeing one of their parents for an extended period. It’s not even about whether a child remembers; not remembering doesn’t mean something hasn’t had an impact on a child. But I think it’s a bit of an inconvenient truth when it’s for something like work because to think the alternative is uncomfortable. I don’t think there are many occasions where being away from a child for extended periods is better for them than being around - to what extent that is the case is the tricky bit.

Can your husband take some annual leave to reduce the number of nights your daughter needs to spend around the mean boy?