Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

I posted up thread about my 19 year old daughter not remembering her Dad being in another country for 10 weeks when she had just turned 7.

I absolutely think you should go but you really can't leave your DD with a bully. Does your DH work nights or does he finish late those nights? If it's rhe latter, could he take half day leave for the six weeks you are away? That would be 6 days for the total time you are away. Can he speak to his Manager/HR department about compassionate leave for those 2 days per week. Given the circumstances people can surprise you.

What about the many posts where I said not to leave the child with the bully and take her with her?! Which I specifically suggested because the Op has alluded to that being a possibility to maybe bring a child. You’re just going to ignore those ones to suit your argument?! So you can use the same quote again.

And I find it extraordinary that in your lecture about compassion you haven’t so much as said sorry for your loss about the death of my father.

Ive disclosed on this thread that my father died of cancer and there is sexual abuse in my family. But you haven’t so much as taken the time to write “im sorry to hear that”.

What did you do, you launched straight into “none of that justifies”. You are in no position to be lecturing me on compassion. It’s odd that you wouldn’t at least say “I’m sorry for your loss but…”

You’ve zero empathy for me and all the “help” you seem to want to offer the Op is hysteria by repeating quotes about victimising her child.

I'm sorry about your mum, OP. Also that this is such a difficult, no-win situation.

Obviously the ideal is to take both kids with you, but you can't afford to, so that's out.

Would any of these options work

• Get a babysitter for the evenings your DH is working, rather than forcing them to stay with the bully
• Your DH take 2 days annual leave, so your oldest doesn't have to stay with the bully
• Go for less time.

The third option would be what I would choose. I appreciate it's a long way, you won't be able to afford to go again so, on the one hand, it makes sense to see all your relatives in this trip. But that's not the point of this trip. It's to see your mother before she dies. Spend one week totally with her, then come home. The kids dad can take annual leave for 2 days, or the oldest can have a sleepover with a friend from school.

I understand the view that your 9 year old should just suck it up, as that's what would have been expected of me. But she won't forget it, and it really isn't acceptable for her to be bullied, in a place she can't escape. I also agree that whilst some children can deal well with separation of this sort, others really can't.

Lots of children grow up in military families where mum or dad is away for extended periods. I think you should go. This will be incredibly precious time and you can video chat every day. As long as your little ones have lots of regular chats with you, they’ll be absolutely fine. Go be with your mum!

You must go

Also could you friend not mind your kids in your house and her DH can mind hers in theirs?. You could just say you don’t want them disrupted more and they want to be at home.

but OP has not taken on board any of the many alternative suggestions made, but has explicitly stated that it’s either the child stays with the bully or she does not go to visit her mother.

OP hasn’t posted since 0844 UK time and may well be doing bath, bed, and discussing options with her DH on Australian time.

Is there a way their Dad could put the takeaway money towards airfares for them?

She may simply need time to take stock as well. It unlikely these are literally her only two options but she might see them as such because she’s in very stressful situation.

I would say if money is that tight that your DH can’t take time off work at all, your sister clearly is prepared to support you going so might cover the cost of a sitter or a loan it to you.

When my Brother in law died abroad leaving a 16 and a 17 year old n a flat without parents ( my sister died when then they were 5 and 6) I went over for 5 weeks to stay for the beginning of the school term as my DN was in a terrible way and just staring his first A level equivalent year. Luckily that started 10 days after DS' s atart of his first year of school ( he was 5), so I was able to be there for ds's first wek of school but I had a lot of guilt about not being there for his whole first term

I left him home with DH but wanted to keep a daily connection with DS. It was more difficult to make video calls in those days but before I went I made a calendar with all the days I was going to be away .

On some of the days ( 5 in each week) I put a picture of a woman at a computer to represent a video call from me . Then on random other days there was a picture of a book or a wrapped present. I bought about 9-10 new books and 4-5 small presents wrapped up with DH . Every time they was a book picture , ds got a new book and I would sometimes get him to show me the book next time I called.to.twll.me.about it . We also talked obviously but the book gave us something tangible to share . 1-2 a week there was also a small present with a note from me that DH read out

DH said it was really helpful when DS would ask when I was coming home . He would cross each day off the calendar with him and also they would look forward in the short term to the next book or present or call. That way it didn't seem such a long time all at once.

Anyway we got through it so I would go if I was you but maybe for 3-4 weeks rather than 6 weeks

We also talked to the school so they knew why I was away and also.tried to explain in simple and non scary terms why I would be away for a while

As for the arrangements, absolutely do not send your child somewhere that is going to make her cry because she is avared of a bully. Get you husband to take leave, even if it is unpaid to cover those days. Or make some other arrangement. We also had nonbody to help, DH rearranged his work and ask for a temporary flexible working option. It was only for a few weeks .

I don’t think it’s realistic, as a couple of posters have suggested, that OP takes her elder DD and puts her in a Spanish school for six weeks. The admin around that would be a nightmare, not to mention the little girl being in a foreign country with upset relatives, trying to learn something in a new language.