Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

The OP cant even afford to pay for that trip. Her sister is paying ….

Im sorry to hear about your mum.
I couldn’t leave my children for 6 weeks who are of similar ages, I would go for perhaps 3 weeks. But I don’t have a good relationship with my mum so I wouldn’t have the same motivation as you.

Go op. Sending best wishes and strength to you, your mum and sister

When are the summer holidays? Your eldest will be out of school for a couple of months soon. I’d go then if you can. Your mum has been given a year. If things change, you can think again. I absolutely would not leave my dd with a bullying child and mum, who doesn’t discipline her son.

Doesn’t your DH have any family or close friends who can help out or is he also from the UK? If there is absolutely no alternative to leaving your children with a bully, it means that you can’t go.

I’m very sorry to hear about your Mum being so unwell.

Can you get a credit card with airmiles? They normally give you a chunk when you make your first purchase. Buy the ticket on credit card, get your sister to pay that fare off, use those airmiles to discount the ticket of your daughters flight and buy that on credit card and pay it off.

Are you going for 6 weeks to see her or provide care? If it’s to see her then I’d go for 3, if it’s to provide care to let someone have a break then I’d go for 6.

Please do not leave your kids with an older boy who bullies your 6 year old. This is a recipe for disaster and could result in untold damage for your daughter.

I do understand that you need to be with your mother but you have to come up with another solution. As others have suggested, DH needs to take annual leave, you go for a shorter period of time, you pay for childcare, you take the kids with you. But whatever you do, do not put your daughter into such an awful situation as having to live with her bully for 2 nights a week. No wonder she is so upset about this, poor girl.

Perhaps you missed that the 6 year old will be bullied in another house. It’s not ok.

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan OP described him as her husband in her third post.

ETA so your “what if he doesn’t want to hand them back?” is… misguided.

She doesn't need to learn to ignore it - you and his parents need to sort it if your daughter is to stay there. Clearly you cannot leave your daughter with a boy 3 years older than her who is bullying her.

It sounds like neither you nor his parents are taking his behaviour very seriously.

I wouldn't leave my child there unless this was addressed head on.

It's not an ideal situation, but they'll cope.

I was without my mother for about 3 months when I was 7. She was having bed rest in hospital and in those days they wouldn't allow children into the maternity home. I stayed with an aunt and uncle during the week and my dad at weekends.

Of course I missed my mother and I remember crying when she came home, but the only trauma was when she was taken away on a stretcher in the middle of the night.

I was with you going until I read this.
Your daughter has told you she's being bullied, you can't send her there!

Go. Agree buying the return separately is a good idea incase you need to move it.
kids will be fine xxx

I could never make my child spend the night in the home of someone that bullied them.
Either DH would have to use leave (unpaid if necessary, ditch the takeout to save money), or I wouldn't go. My mum would be furious with me doing that to DC!

Please go see your mum. Your children will be fine. Even if they're a little sad they're old enough to understand that grandma is not well and mum needs to be with her. And when they're adults they'll understand even more. They'll be more than fine, they'll find it fun even. I remember my mum and her sisters all going off on a girls trip for two weeks leaving us with the dads. Me and my cousins had the most wonderful time, watching movies every day and having takeout food and treats. Looking back, the dads did only very basic parenting but kept us safe and loved.

The only thing I'd say is don't let your husband leave your kids with bully boy. Children are particularly sensitive when a parent is away, they need to feel SAFE in their new situation. So absolutely don't allow that, make some childcare arrangements on those two days.

You can create whatever fantasy scenarios you like about what ‘should’ happen but OP has been clear so far thar her position is that if she goes, her daughter is spending weekends at the bully’s house.

If that’s the case she should not go.

Are you likely to receive any inheritance from your mum? I’m just wondering if it might be possible for a friend or relative to loan you some money on the basis that you will pay them back as and when any inheritance is paid? Which might make it more financially viable for you all to go? If so then I would try and take the whole family.

If that’s not an option could you pay for a nanny to come and look after the children for the nights their father is at work? So that they don’t have to stay with a bully? Or could the friend who would be looking after them come and stay at your home without their children for the nights? It wouldn’t be very fair for your child to go somewhere they were likely to be bullied. But equally spending time with your mum now is massively important.

Yes, I'm sorry OP I do think this changes things.

I was going to suggest taking your little one, for whom time away has less impact, and thereby lighten the childcare burden for their dad (ie; help him perform it better!)

But the bully thing would worry me.

He should be able to cope and perform well with both kids . A mother would be expected to do just fine in that situation. Also sometimes kids can play with/entertain each other.

But as I’ve said upthread I do agree the bully thing is a big issue.

None of thar justifies your lack of compassion for the daughter. You can create fantasy scenarios as much as you like, but OP has not taken on board any of the many alternative suggestions made, but has explicitly stated that it’s either the child stays with the bully or she does not go to visit her mother.

All your posts are doing is encouraging OP to make the choice to go which will mean her child goes to the bully’s.

I agree with pps who have commented on your extraordinary lack of concern for the child, but only having empathy with the Mother.

The mother is in a hard place, but that is never a rationalization for leaving a child with a bully.

When the adult is made the victim, the child becomes a victim.

I was all set to say “Go” - having lost both my parents and being at a distance, I am so relieved that in both cases I was able to do this. And, unless your mother is still physically able to enjoy her grandchildren, I would have said to leave your children with their dad because you need to be with your mum, not entertaining a four year old.

Reading on though, a couple of things have changed my opinion somewhat.

The main issue is that your DD would be staying with someone who bullies her?? That’s not what you said in the OP, and makes a massive difference. What you described happening is just not on. And over 6 weeks you don’t know how that would develop. You need to find a way to protect her from that, preferably by not leaving her there.

Also, the “living on take-aways” is unimportant in one way, but when your reason for not taking the children is money, that seems odd, as someone else pointed out: takeaways are not a cheap option. Or do you mean they’d live on cereal and crisps?😃

More seriously - couldn’t that budget be put towards taking one or both with you? And could the 6 year old go to a local Spanish school? She might not learn as much as in her own school but she’d be in school and would be a great experience for her? She’s only six - she can catch up on her English speaking education afterwards.

ETA: I forgot the easiest one to fix - FaceTime (or WhatsApp video chat etc). We’ve done this many times for older family members, including us adult cousins organising Christmas and birthday “video meets” for the older generation (my mum and her siblings) during Covid and when they could no longer travel easily. IOW agent your sister or someone else to set up a WhatsApp chat for your mum and you. Easiest thing in the world.

Take them with you. For 2-3 weeks

It can be done cheaper with something like air India and breaking the journey up with multiple stops

Go. Your children won’t even remember it in years to come, but you will always regret it. I’m sorry you are going through this.