Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

I agree. Just because others do it doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect the kids .
Six weeks is too long .

Not a massive fan of posters telling OP to ignore other posters. I'm sure she's capable of reading for herself and deciding who to listen to.

Iwould go but probably for 3 weeks

There is a friend of the family who could help. My children will have to go there two nights a week when my husband works. My eldest is crying about this because their older son bullies her but there isn't anyone else.

That's the part of your plan that isn't feasible. You need another arrangement.

I'd go for 3 weeks but absolutely no way I'd send my kids to the home of a bully if one of them is crying about it. That's totally unacceptable and unreasonable!!! You need to make sure your kids are safe!

Not unreasonable for one parent to leave the children in the care of the other as long as they consent and are a capable parent. Definitely unreasonable to expose your daughter to bullying. Would your mum want that to be a consequence of seeing you? I would shorten the trip to a duration where arrangements can be worked out to avoid this unwanted contact.

I agree with this, it depends on whether your children would be ok. One of mine would have been, the other really wouldn’t (and still wouldn’t as a teen).

if your children will be fine with it, I’d absolutely go. If they wouldn’t, I’m sorry to say that I wouldn’t go at all. Only you know their natures and how they are being away from you for extended periods.

They’re too young to understand that there is a really good reason why, so you can’t reason it with them - they’re either fine with you going away or they’re not, in my opinion.

That being said, even if you don’t think they’ll cope well, you are only one half of their parents and it’s absolutely fine to decide that you’re going regardless - you know a man would!

I think it’s absolutely fine, your children have another parent who loves them and can care for them.

Yes. This.

I know plenty of families where one parent works away or travels for work a lot. The kids are fine as long as they have a caregiver (though honestly, your husband can’t make pasta? Takeaway every day for 6 weeks is pretty silly)

But no chance I’m leaving my kids with a bully. That’s just not an option. Your husband will need to make a different plan.

My husband had to do similar, for a similar amount of time, a bit longer if I recall. I was fine with my kids, at that age they seemed to live on the moment.

He was SAHP so it was tricky workwise, for me, but I managed and I was pleased he spent important time with an important person in his life.

Do it.

Six weeks is too long. I used to leave my young children for up to a week at a time and they were fine with their father. It was like id never been away within ten minutes of being back, but any longer than that would have been too much and upsetting for all of us.

Take the kids with you. You can’t leave a six year old in a situation where she’s being bullied for 6 weeks. Missing school doesn’t matter at all at that age.

Sorry for your situation. I wouldn’t go for six weeks, two or three.

My dad had to go aqay for 6 months when I was a kid. I was fine. Missed him a lot. Spoke to him every day. Made us much closer when he returned. I am not damaged or traumatised because of it. Do what you need to do OP. There was no facetime or WhatsApp when I was a kid. Things are much different now.

Lots of kids don't see a parent for 6 weeks. Im sure it would be fine. But you can't leave her with someone who bullies her. She knows you know and that you've decided to leave here there. I think that is the bit that will affect her.

I wouldn’t go for 6 weeks, not without my children it’s too long for my children to be without me and also the fact your so happy and willing to leave them with someone who you’ve just called a bully does not sit right with me. I have a little girl and an I’m an aunt to an autistic child who hurts my child constantly I never leave my child there currently because i understand and appreciate that my child’s safety and comfort comes above anything I could need or want to do without her. So No I wouldn’t leave my children for 6 weeks it’s too long and I’d never leave them uncomfortable around someone who is outright horrible to them, sometimes just a “ you’ll be fine, you’ll be okay I’ll be hundreds and thousands of miles away and you’ll be bullied but that’s ok” won’t cut it. Your mum needs you but so do yours need you. I’d be pulling my hair out for 6 weeks being away from my children

I didn’t see my dad for over six months when I was a child and this was a long time ago so communication was via the occasional letter only. We were stationed on Cyprus when the civil war broke out and I was evacuated along with my mum and siblings. We were allowed to take a small box of belongings with us, everything else was left behind and we never saw it again. I was only 7 years old.

I’m pretty sure your children will be fine with their dad for six weeks but I would want to explore other options for the nights they will need to stay elsewhere. You have plenty of time to make memories with your children, this will be the last opportunity to do so with your mum.

Interesting that some posters are telling you to ignore the advice of posters who have a different view when you have specifically asked for people’s opinions, presumably knowing you would get a range of views to help with your decision.

I don’t understand why needing to see your mum means you need to go for six weeks. I wouldn’t dream of it. You could go but for a shorter time.

But I can’t believe you are considering sending your child to stay with someone who bullies them to the extent they are crying at this prospect. Why would anyone do that to their child?

I think you need to go but not for 6 weeks. What will you actually do in that time and is she well enough to see you every day for a prolonged period?

You also need to think quite practically about whether this visit really will be ‘one and done’ or if you’ll want to go back again when she is closer to dying, going back to the funeral etc. People with a year can often outlive that or also deteriorate quite quickly. I’ve been expecting my own mum to die any time soon for over a year now and that can be quite draining as you never really know what the phone ringing means.

I am an Aussie who lived in NL. While we were there both my parents were dx’ed with life limiting diseases. First dad then mum. I did this at least four or five times with twins 4 y/o and dd1 6. The course of my parents illnesses meant that they died 5 years apart and the distance was rough. If you have a loving relationship with your mum, just go.

.

Same happened to my mum when I was 7 and my sister 11. She spent a month with her father (my grandfather) in their home country; we stayed with our father back in our country. This was in the late 80s when we would speak on the phone only a couple of times a week. It wasn't easy but we managed. My grandfather died 3 months later and my mother wasn't able to attend the funeral (work, funds etc).

Go. Your children will be fine.

I would just go for two weeks because quite often elderly people outlive their prognosis. There a very famous thread on here started by a lady who took her mother to live with her who was given something like 6 weeks to live. Her mother ended up living another 5 years.

This isn’t “balance”, it’s melodramatic nonsense. I have childen of a similar age, I only have my mother left from my nuclear family. Luckily she lives up the road. In OP’s circumstances I would 100% go. You will never get that time back.

Your childen will be looked after my their dad and you can video call them. Any upset they feel isn’t going to ruin their lives. And yes, they may well be upset but they have their dad. And you can speak to them and re assure them. Maybe bring books with you to read them on calls etc.

Go and be with your dying mother.

I'm very sorry about your mother. I had to do exactly the same thing from Australia to the UK. I knew there was a possibility that if I went I would regret going. But I also knew if I didn't go I would 100% regret not going. So I bit the bullet and went. It helped that I have a very competent husband who just took over everything without me having to think about any practicalities at home.

You should go. You will regret it if you don't. But you really do have to rethink sending your daughter to someone who will bully her. There must be some other solution, even if it means paying for someone to stay over two nights a week.