Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

DH needs to ask for flexible working or compassionate leave given the circumstances, your daughter absolutely can't be left with a lying bully??? With a mother who spoils and may grow resentful of your daughter and won't protect her. That's crazy. What about physical or decual abuse from him? Obviously you don't know but it's a shift in the power imbalance for her to NEED to constantly be there on set days and he knows he can get away with things?
Did his mum even tell him off?

And 4 y/o is young to have frequent sleepovers without both parents. I'm sorry, you need to get DH to find another way or hire an au pair/live in nanny for those nights! Unless he is in medical etc field then his employer can arrange something else. Men just don't ask as they cba and think it's up to other women to solve.

Also I know lots of people who've had a year or months to live and who have then rallied. So I don't know. I would be thinking about other times to go as a family or if my mum would want me there if it meant the GC were really unhappy.

DH has no family?

And there was sexual abuse in my own family so im far more aware if it than an average person.

The poster you were so rude to was not bringing up potential csa to make you aware, but to make OP aware, so your awareness or otherwise is not the point.

Can you go with kids over Christmas and just take the 6yo out of school for a couple of weeks after or before the holidays? Is your mum currently bedbound/frail? A year is quite a vague prediction. My mum wasn’t bedbound at any point up until the day she died from cancer, so a visit to see her with kids would have been fine. Just because someone has a terminal illness doesn’t mean they are lying in bed hooked up to machinery. If she’s still relatively active and herself then it wouldn’t be traumatic for the children.

It is tricky as I wouldn’t want to be apart from my two young kids for six weeks, it would be very difficult for us all (and my DH sounds more useful than yours so it’s not really a safety and wellbeing issue, I just want to see my children daily and they would be same with me). Conversely I’ve gone through losing my mum and time with her was so precious. I would have to try to find some middle ground I think.

That said, you might not find the concept of leaving the kids as difficult as I would, in which case it becomes a more practical consideration. I wouldn’t have your child staying with a bully, DH needs to take leave, either holiday, parental leave, unpaid absence, whatever.

It’s unfortunate that your kids dad is so irresponsible/lazy in regards to their diet . I lived with my uncle (who doesn’t have kids) for a year when I was a child (long story) and he cooked for me daily. I couldn’t get with a man who behaves like this but what’s done is done.

Onto the main issue - yes I feel you should go despite that but I’m worried about the bully kid. Can your friend really not control her children’s behaviour? I had two older brothers and no way could they have got away with behaving like that.

Why not?

Loads of kids go to camp for 6 weeks over the summer.

The only issue is the bullying child and DH feeding them takeaway - so DH needs to take AL or something to stop this from happening.

I agree with most of this but the issue is the friend with the bully kid.

Sorry EasternStandard, I completed didn't pick up that bit. You are right. Dad needs to step up and look after his children, or find childcare that doesn't involve this bully.

I'm so sorry, that must be incredibly difficult. Maybe it depends on your children but mine absolutely wouldn't cope without me for 6 weeks.

In your shoes I'd either go for a shorter trip or look at ways to borrow money to bring them both with me.

Not unreasonable. You should go in whatever arrangement best suits you and the children and is still financially manageable.

Read my post I dealt with the rest of your sentence where I specifically said “as for having none for the child”.

But you haven’t commented sorry to hear about the sexual abuse in my family.

Hi OP,

I'm in a very similar situation. My dad (who lives in Australia) has been given 3 months to live. I've left my kids (8 and 6) at home in the UK with their dad and come over to Oz. I haven't booked a return ticket.

My husband is a capable, modern man. He's the one who told me I needed to go and be with my dad. The kids are in great hands.

Today dad and I sat in the hospital looking through old photos and laughed at happy memories. I got to tell him how much I love him and how grateful I am that he's my dad. He told me his greatest achievement is me and my brother.

I'm so glad I came to Australia. These are my last precious moments with the man who raised me and shaped my life for the better.

My kids understand, too. This is what we do for family. When someone we love is ill and needs us, we go. It's a life lesson for the children.

So my advice is go, OP. You’ll never get this chance again. Sending you love.

And you have made sneery comments at other people warning OP about potential csa who may have experienced csa themselves (such as me, who has) so do forgive me

What the actual fuck? Her mother is dying…her children will be absolutely bloody fine with their father! Don’t be absurd!

I’m very sorry to hear. My dad died of cancer over 15 years ago and I still think of the conversations we had when he was on his deathbed. It gave me a chance to feel that nothing was left unsaid and that I had a chance to tell him how much I love him and how much I’d noted and appreciated how much he’d done for us.

I think about my dad almost daily still.

Surely the only options aren’t to go for 6 weeks or not to go at all? Why can’t you go for 3 weeks or even 4?

That's horrible! Why does she need to ignore that more at 6?!

I can’t imagine choosing to be away from my young children for that long under any circumstances. Go for two weeks, but only if your husband can take time off so that your daughter isn’t forced to spend time with her bully. You won’t even take her there when you’re present to supervise so how is it suddenly ok to send her there unprotected for weeks on end??

You must be shaken by your mum’s prognosis and you want this length of trip and these arrangements to be ok as it gets you the time with your mum that you want. But your first responsibility is to your children and this would be incredibly unfair to them.

Thank you for your kind words. That's exactly how I feel. Nothing has been left unsaid, and I have no regrets.

I'm so glad I'm with my dad. He was there for my first breath. I intend to be here, holding his hand, for his last.

Which is great, but you haven't left your 6 year old to be bullied overnight twice a week, have you?

People saying ‘no you can’t leave children with their other parent for 6 weeks’…how on earth do you imagine hearing/seeing these comments feels for military families? Our military personnel (male and female) are deployed for up to 6 MONTHS at a time…and the other parent (and occasionally grandparents if there isn’t another parent) steps up to the plate…and the world keeps turning 🤷‍♀️

OP…you need to spend time with your mum right now. Your children will be fine with your husband…maybe rethink the friend’s house with the nasty bully though.

I’m a glad to hear that.

Im getting very worked up on this thread because I don’t want the Op to be deprived of this. Because I think it means so much and that when the Op is reflecting on her own life when her children are off living theirs it will mean a lot to her.

I agree Whorulestheroost1, don't listen to this tosh. Go and be with your mum and spend the time you can with her, the kids will be ok ❤️

I would probably go for less time and pay for a babysitter for the 2nights a week rather than send them to the bully's house. That way they can stay in their own home.

Yes, go. They will be fine.