Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

Hard disagree there, a six year old will absolutely remember being made to spend that much time with an older child her parents know bullies her.

Go but not for 6 weeks, maybe 2-3 ?

Nothing to do with seeing your adult children. You think the OP Shouldn't leave her children with their father for 6 weeks to spend time with her dying mother. Would you be happy having a year to live and your children saying sorry mum i can't possibly come and see you ?

Actually, although I would really want to see them I wouldn’t want them to leave a six year old in a situation where they weren’t happy. I think the compromise is for OP to visit for 3 weeks and for the children’s father to take some annual leave so they don’t have to go to the other family.

I couldn't leave my six year old for that length, expect her to cope without me, while experiencing the distress of bullying for 2 nights for six weeks!! Most people are lovely and willing to help - why can't you explain the situation to one of her classmates mum and ask if they can help for a few weeks?

I would otherwise tell you to go, but how on earth do you cope if your six year olds distress increases with no Plan B from the other side of the world?

Well I know you weren’t talking to me, but I don’t really understand why the OP can’t FaceTime with her mum while her sister and other family are there to facilitate the calls.

And if it were my mum or my adult DC when I am old, I think my mum (a grown adult) would understand that we can’t always do what we want, where my six year old child/grandchild would not understand why you were willing to put them in potential danger.

If OP’s sister also couldn’t afford the plane tickets it would just be a non-starter. And honestly, unless better care can be provided somehow by the dad or someone else, then it still IS a non-starter and all the grown ups in the situation should understand that.

Well that’s not what I said.

I said if I was terminally ill I would want to see my own adult children but would not want them to leave my young grandchildren for a whole 6 weeks on my behalf. I would be happy with a shorter time.

I am sorry to hear about your mum’s illness . It is entirely understandable that you want to go and visit her and FaceTime would not be quite the same .
In the circumstances you have provided , I do think 6 weeks is too long . Could that be reduced to 3 or 4 weeks ? Could it also straddle some school holidays and would your DH be able to take time off work for holidays and then minimise the time your daughter will be with the other child ?
Can you also be frank with your friend about your worries for your daughter and discuss with her any strategies for protecting your daughter ?

@OP Ignore, ignore, ignore. To give some perspective: you have - hopefully - the next sixty years to spend time with your children, against which six weeks is nothing. However, the ratio of available time for you to spend with your mother is so small in comparison. Go and spend that time with your Mum x

Because her mother’s dying and she wants to spend some meaningful time with her. Because flights to Australia and jet lag recovery takes a week or so, leaving only a week or so on your proposed timetable. And because OP’s children will still be alive in a year or so, unlike OP’s mother (and won’t die in the six weeks OP is away). And because, you know, she loves her mother as well as her children

Except that OP has stated that this will be a one off and final stay (and that she won’t be returning to Oz for her mother’s funeral)

Having been in a similar situation. My mum was chronically unwell and ultimately died. I spent all my time with her in hospital before she passed. I barely saw my kids for 5 weeks whilst she was dying. She didn't want their last memories of her to be whilst she was so unwell.
As hard as it was, I would never change that experience. My kids saw my devotjon to their nan, not that I left them in anyway.

I say go. Do all the things you always wanted to. Have the chats you need to have. Else you might forever regret it.

Your husband will cope just fine. Who cares if they eat takeout every day. It won't alter their love for you.

Have all the people saying “go” really read the later posts by @justafteropinions ? Where she says her daughter is crying because she will have to stay overnight regularly in a house where an older boy bullies her horribly?

I'd go but not sure I'd go for 6 weeks

With what you’ve mentioned about your oldest not being comfortable with the friends son I’d take her at least with you. you were willing to take the youngest but I’d take oldest.

Presumably your kids have never met their gran as you’ve said you’ve been is Oz for all their years so I’d let the oldest who then should remember gran, meet her. Ok it’s not in the best circumstances but still it means she meets her and then doesn’t get out in that situation with friends son. I couldn’t leave my kids for 6 weeks, I get your thoughts that it’s the last time to see your mum but it sound selfish to me. What if your daughter’s mental health was wrecked by the 9year old? What if it got so bad and you never seen her again? Ideally you’d take both kids as you’ve more support in Spain.

Why do you need to go for six weeks? I would go and visit my DM for sure, leave the kids behind, you need to focus on her. But I wouldn't go for six weeks.

I agree that 6 weeks is too long to be away from children that age, especially with the arrangements you describe.

The bullying is an issue. The dd has already said this.

Go! And take the kids with you. If you can attach it to a school holiday that’s helpful. But don’t stress too much if you can’t. My kids missed much more school than this during Covid (we spent 10.5 weeks in NZ mostly while schools were still open), and in the grand scheme of things it’s not done them any harm.

OP is borrowing money from her sister for the flight - there may not be the cash for three flights.

Go. When I was about eight and my sister was about four, my mother went to study abroad for three months and we were left with a very good family friend. She came to look after us in our own home. But obviously this was in the days before the Internet so we got some postcards but essentially we didn’t hear from or speak to our mum for 12 weeks and we were absolutely fine because we knew where she was. We knew we were loved and we knew why she was going and that she was in America. It had absolutely no impact on my ongoing relationship with my mum. Not saying this to make it about me but just to give you a perspective from the child’s point of view that they will be fine so you feel more confident about that.. I think you really need to be there otherwise you will regret it. I’m sure your children will be fine if you honestly explained to them why you are going. I know they are little, but they are old enough to understand in basic terms.

Just a question as lots of people have responded in a similar way: did you read OP’s update about leaving her children for two days out of every week with an older boy who bullies her DD and that this is what her DD is crying about?

So if op can sort out the nights elder stays with someone else then seems the vote is it’s fine to go

As a daughter(and a mother) who has lost her mother, please go. Stay as long as you can, have no regrets. Your children will be fine. You and your mother need time together. My mother died suddenly, two years ago. She was young and having been given a year, died a month later. Go. You will be so glad you did.
sending you love.