Cleaner shamed us for house - not sure how to feel

[tokajlover]

We have had a cleaner for coming up to 4 years now and she’s brilliant, no complains from us whatsoever.

The reason we have a cleaner is because, like most people who do, we find it makes life much easier with a young child, and both my DH and I working a substantial distance from home, about an hour to an hour and a half’s commute a few times a week plus starting this year, school drop offs and pick ups etc. Our lives are chaotic but nothing out of the ordinary for young-ish professionals with a young child, except maybe the substantial commutes. Having a cleaner is definitely a God send!

Apparently, however, today she pulled my husband aside as he was WFH and told him that we need to do better, because she needs to do a “hard factory reset” every time she comes over.

Our house was definitely messy today after a weekend where we hosted and were away on the Saturday! But we don’t leave disgusting messes, food, we don’t have bugs etc (feel ashamed to even have to say this!), we aren’t hoarders, and our house is just a normally messier than we’d like it to be but not disgusting by any means 3 bed. The best way to put this would be, I guess, if announced guests had popped up today I would not have thought it the best time and would have said “sorry for the mess” but I wouldn’t have been excessively worried or scrambling about to get the place ready, as I wouldn’t have thought there was anything particularly bad about it just not “visitor-ready” and messy.

I feel so embarrassed now though and mum guilt has kicked in - I keep thinking that there’s plenty of full time working parents who don’t have a cleaner so what am I doing wrong.

She only does 2 hours a week but she did start out doing 3, with the idea initially being that she would do the general clean in 2 hours and do one deep-cleaning thing each time, she is the one who asked for fewer hours. We pay above the average rate which is not me congratulating ourselves by any means and we never minded as she does do an excellent job, just to clarify we are not under-paying her or anything like that!

I guess I just feel a bit ashamed and don’t know if she had a point or was this weird? Presumably people have cleaners to clean and sometimes the house is not in top shape when your cleaner arrives, but I thought that was normal? As I said we never leave messes for her to deal with later on purpose or any disgusting things, but part of me can’t help but feel extremely ashamed and bad!

I have a helper who tidies, cleans and does whatever else I ask of her. This was agreed before she started. She even sorts out some of the kids wardrobes .

if you need her to tidy up, pay extra and ask her if she could do this as well. After all, she is there to make your life easier!

if my cleaner effective gave me homework i’d be looking for a new cleaner sharpish. Sounds like your house needs more hours on it but she doesn’t want to do them. Doesn’t seem like a compatible fit for either of you.

The definition of a cleaner changes depending on expectations from client. If the cleaner agrees then there should be no issue.

Lots of poster saying you need to tidy away before the cleaner comes..not necessarily! Let's of cleaners have tidying the sides and floors etc as part of their work.. that's why some people employ cleaners, because they generally don't have time to tidy away or can't due to physical disabilities etc. This is something that should be agreed on though with your cleaner. If she doesn't want to tidy, maybe find another one that will. Although you maybe need to pay for longer hours if there's extra work

Do you tidy before she comes?

If she is a good cleaner you need to hold onto her

You could ask if she needs an extra hour

My cleaner is paid to tidy and clean. My house is much more untidy than dirty, so a good proportion of her time is tidying. I personally find cleaning far easier than tidying, so that is what I have arranged with my cleaner, and in fact with all the cleaners that I have had over the last 20 odd years. Current one has been with me for 7 years.

All the people bleating about cleaners not being paid to tidy, and all those who rush around tidying for your cleaner - you are completely imagining that such a rule exists and you are also trying to impose your imaginary rules on other people. You arrange with a cleaner what you expect them to do and you both agree how long it will take and what the pay is. A cleaner is utterly free to state whether or not they tidy - I have never found one who has the slightest problem with it.

All she needed to say was, "I think I made a mistake in reducing to two hours - let's go back to three hours so that I have plenty of time. Can you put a basket in each room so that I can put anything in there when I don't know where it goes?"

She might just be hinting that she needs to up the hours again and doesn’t know how to tell you. I would ask her if 2.5 hours is more sensible for your house. If she says no, 2 hours and you must do better, I would get a new cleaner who doesn’t judge you.

Jeez - you’re a big girl and her employer so just talk to her about it!
Perhaps she needs more hours or for you to clear up a bit before she comes BUT you’ll never know unless you talk to her!
Btw I would never trust my husband to pass on a message verbatim much as I love him - it would be like a game of Chinese Whispers!

I think the key is just how messy the house was left after hosting? Was it all the catering items, pots, pans etc? Was that out of the ordinary? 2 hours isn’t a huge amount of time to clean and tidy a ‘lived in’ house.

We have had the same cleaners for nearly ten years. They are incredible but they clean, not tidy - I used to tell them to put anything the DC left on the floor on their bed - they were responsible for tidying their stuff. Their weekly visits help me stay tidy in truth.

Is this a miscommunication in expectation perhaps between the two parties? Maybe a quick message to say please concentrate on say - bathrooms, kitchen and leave the hosting items, or vice versa - can you tidy up the extra mess? I’ll sometimes say leave something and concentrate on an extra thing - they only have 4 hours, if that makes sense?

We had a cleaner for a bit. On the day she came, we would put everything on beds and sofas so she could hoover. We would clear all surfaces so she could do a deep clean and dust. I wasn’t paying her to tidy.
That said, I appreciate that some people pay cleaners to tidy ….. and most cleaners might not care as they are paid for the time rather than for the ‘job’. This one sounds mardy!

A cleaner cleans. A housekeeper also tidies and does laundry, makes beds etc. Ask her which one shi is and give her enough time to do that.

if she works 2 hours then what does it matter to her if those 2 hours are spent tidying up and cleaning as opposed to just cleaning.

But this is MN where you clean before your cleaner comes.

I would message her and ask her what she meant and what would she like to happen?

if you had time to tidy everything so that every surface is clear, then you’d have time to clean yourself.

I think she’s a bit of a cheeky cow. Does she want the work or not? I’d be clear with her of the ask and if she doesn’t want get someone else. Honestly she’s probably killed the trust so you may be better to sack off. But I’m aware how hard it is to find people. Our current cleaner does a good job when she’s here but half the time she either doesn’t show/is silly late or suggests another say at very short notice. I’d never dream of behaving like this to a client. So I am looking for a replacement. But I think the calibre of work of people wanting to do private cleaning jobs is what it is.

So cleaning and tidying are 2 different things, shes saying your house is too untidy to clean in the time she has. Thats not something to be ashamed of or feel bad about. But if she has to reset your house to make room to hoover, dust, wipe down etc youre boarding on expecting 2 jobs for the price of one. Tidy before she arrives

We also have busy jobs and young kids. The cleaner comes 2 hours a week because that was our budget. We always tidy before she comes, including no dishes in sinks, no toys to pick up from the floor etc else she would spend the 2 hours tidying and not have time for actual cleaning. Either tidy up or pay for extra time.

She's being clear that she will only continue if you improve the baseline she has to work from. If it's easy to find a different cleaner, it could be best to do that.

Two hours a week to tidy up a 3 bed before you can then start actual cleaning is not enough. I would struggle with that. I would do some general tidying and putting away, she is not your slave.

Yes i agree with this. We have a cleaner and i have to tidy the childrens bedrooms and put toys away etc before she comes so that she will just clean.

Is her English fluent? If it is, you or your husband will be able to have a frank conversation with her about what she’d like to happen for her to be able to do the cleaning. Would she like you to have done certain things each week/most weeks before she comes? Like pick everything up off the floor, load anything dirty into the dishwasher alert (just pulling these as examples, not saying that you don’t do those things)? Or is she happy to do those things but just wants you to understand that she then wouldn’t be able to clean as much as she normally would in two hours? And hold she like to go back to doing three hours?

And then you will be able to work out whether the arrangement continues to work for you.

We’ve had a cleaner for 25odd years now. I could count how many we’ve had in that time on one hand, but our current one is amazing and I would 100% have that conversation with her so that I could try and do whatever she wants to be able to allow the arrangement to continue. Whether you’d feel that way depends on how well the arrangement can and could work for you, I’d imagine.

What is the size of your house/home?

We are in a similar position and have a cleaner every week for four hours. We have large kitchen/ diner, 3 bedrooms, study, living room and two bathrooms.

We always do a tidy before she comes. It's par rod the routine and our 7 year old knows all Lego has to be off the floor and on the box the night before because her job is to clean not tidy. We do occasionally have baskets of clean clothes that need to be put away but she would just move those in the room she is tidying. We also ensure no laundry is hanging etc.

It's an odd comment to make by the cleaner but two hours definitely doesn't sound like enough time unless your place is tiny.

Honestly, it sounds to me like she just has to work harder at your house than her other clients and she doesn't particularly want to do that. Possibly her other clients don't have young children/work shorter hours and do more cleaning in between than you do. Which isn't to say that you're a slob, just that you probably need her services more than others do!

I couldn't have a cleaner who made me feel ashamed though - cleaning someone's home is actually really intimate. You need to feel comfortable with them being there or the stress about whether you've left it clean enough for her outweighs the benefits.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about! Maybe message her and ask if she feels that upping time back to 3 hours a week would help. If she isn't willing/able to clean to standard she and you are happy with in 2 hours and isn't willing/able to increase hours then I think you need to look for a new cleaner or resolve to spend half an hour before she comes prepping the house yourself.

Why not just have a straightforward conversation with her about her expectations and what she can and cannot do. You may need to increase her hours if you can’t tidy up.