Cleaner shamed us for house - not sure how to feel

[tokajlover]

We have had a cleaner for coming up to 4 years now and she’s brilliant, no complains from us whatsoever.

The reason we have a cleaner is because, like most people who do, we find it makes life much easier with a young child, and both my DH and I working a substantial distance from home, about an hour to an hour and a half’s commute a few times a week plus starting this year, school drop offs and pick ups etc. Our lives are chaotic but nothing out of the ordinary for young-ish professionals with a young child, except maybe the substantial commutes. Having a cleaner is definitely a God send!

Apparently, however, today she pulled my husband aside as he was WFH and told him that we need to do better, because she needs to do a “hard factory reset” every time she comes over.

Our house was definitely messy today after a weekend where we hosted and were away on the Saturday! But we don’t leave disgusting messes, food, we don’t have bugs etc (feel ashamed to even have to say this!), we aren’t hoarders, and our house is just a normally messier than we’d like it to be but not disgusting by any means 3 bed. The best way to put this would be, I guess, if announced guests had popped up today I would not have thought it the best time and would have said “sorry for the mess” but I wouldn’t have been excessively worried or scrambling about to get the place ready, as I wouldn’t have thought there was anything particularly bad about it just not “visitor-ready” and messy.

I feel so embarrassed now though and mum guilt has kicked in - I keep thinking that there’s plenty of full time working parents who don’t have a cleaner so what am I doing wrong.

She only does 2 hours a week but she did start out doing 3, with the idea initially being that she would do the general clean in 2 hours and do one deep-cleaning thing each time, she is the one who asked for fewer hours. We pay above the average rate which is not me congratulating ourselves by any means and we never minded as she does do an excellent job, just to clarify we are not under-paying her or anything like that!

I guess I just feel a bit ashamed and don’t know if she had a point or was this weird? Presumably people have cleaners to clean and sometimes the house is not in top shape when your cleaner arrives, but I thought that was normal? As I said we never leave messes for her to deal with later on purpose or any disgusting things, but part of me can’t help but feel extremely ashamed and bad!

I think after a few years, it’s good to change cleaner anyway.. as becomes a bit too involved.

I would say ‘we’re sorry it was too much. Thank you for all you’ve done. We’re going to find someone new, as obviously feel bad. This is the best we can do working, with children.’

I include tidying as being part of cleaning. It seems there is a divide on this issue. My cleaner always tidied (back when I had one) and I never had to specify. She did the dishes, took out the trash, made beds, did laundry and whatever else was needed. I paid her extremely well because she was more than worth every penny paid.

100% find a new cleaner! And go around on the first meeting to see what they think is reasonable in the time allowed. I would be so stressed each time the first cleaner was there feeling like I was being judged. You’re paying her - she had no right to judge!

i had a cleaner in when I had a knee op the cleaner cleans for my brother..she said my house was filthy..errrr I do not think so ..I’m very particular and work in catering so I know hygiene etc..I’m ALWAYS cleaning..skirting boards ,pull out furniture to clean behind etc..I will Not be employing her again!! Cheeky cow!!

We got “dumped” the one and only time we used a cleaner 😭😭🤣🤣 I’d cleaned/ tidied my heart out before she come to ensure she could properly clean/ deep clean when she was here as that’s what I really wanted/ needed. However I completely forgot about the sink full of washing up as we had a late roast on the Sunday and I hadn’t finished all washing up by then as I was cleaning the bloody house! I meant to say to her “of course don’t touch the washing up! Just do everything else we agreed. I forgot, she done it all, then made a shitty comment to my husband when leaving about the amount of washing up having left her lots less time to clean in case he “planned to moan” (which we never would have!) I got a text a few days later apologising that they hadn’t realised how busy they were and couldn’t commit to a twice monthly clean for us. Didn’t bother trying again after that was mortified 🤣😭

Cleaner or housekeeper ? There is a big difference, cleaners are there to clean and clean only, want your mess put away? get a housekeeper.

My house is never tidy enough for me to think about getting a cleaner.

When I had a cleaner in a shared house we had to make sure the place was tidy and all dishes were done before she came. It was understood that she cleaned, she didn't tidy.

It’s not her place to make a comment like that. Get a new cleaner.

How dare she? Why did she tell your husband, not you - it seems like she's trying to drive a wedge between you, i.e. that you are lazy and not doing your share of chores. Tell her that if she does not like it, she can leave, because there are other cleaners wanting a job. Just becoause she's been there several years, it does not make her your boss. Maybe she wants a raise.

Maybe her husband pays? Maybe because he was the one at home working? Maybe because he does half the chores so it doesn’t matter who the cleaner speaks to?

It is not a cleaners responsibility to tidy and clean unless explicitly agreed.

Awful way to treat someone who's been loyal for so many years. She deserves better

It's weird. I think a cleaner can tidy as well as clean. As long as she's getting paid for the hours she does who cares? Some people need help with tidying up not just cleaning. At the end of the day you're paying her for the hours she does. If she doesn't manage to finish cleaning the house in the time alloted then you either have to accept that or pay her for more hours

Christ almighty, they’re complaining about washing up? It’s such a cushty job most don’t pay tax on and they are better paid than most people now but still complain.

No, it’s not working for OP. Clearly the cleaner doesn’t feel able to do the job the OP needs doing. This is perfectly reasonable. You aren’t obliged to keep cleaners forever. It’s not an upstairs-downstairs type of situation. The cleaner runs a business and has upset a customer. The consequence is the customer finds a new business to do the work who is happy to do it. She isn’t asking her to do something immoral, it’s just a bit of tidying.

2 hours for a 3 bed isn’t enough time for a clean let alone a tidy first. Usually cleaners need a tidy house before they clean unless agreed that they will tidy and clean but that needs more hours. It’s about setting expectations. You’ve clearly not had that convo. Best sit down with her and agree a way forward. We’ve always agreed to have the house tidy before our cleaners come so they can get straight into cleaning. Every arrangement different but it needs agreeing

Tidying up pre a cleaner visit is standard for me (2 bed but doesn’t do bedrooms, in 2 hours every fortnight)

But that just means putting stuff away somewhere -a basket or another room or all stuff in dishwasher whether it can go in dishwasher or not.

else a) cleaner can’t easily clean surfaces without moving a lot around. And b) she has to work out where things belong and you find stuff in random places.

we have one “don’t touch” zone -partners desk but everything else clear.

The point is not who pays, but who lives in the house where the person is employed. She ought to have spoken to them together. This is a case of familiartiy breeds contempt - the cleaner feels comfortable enough to make negative comments behind the back of one half of a couple. Cleaning also includes cleaning mugs that have been left on any surfaces, which is also, in its own way, tidying up, and maybe even putting clothes in the wash, and stripping beds. It all depends on what has been stipulated in the written contract, because she-said-you-said is not good enough if push comes to shove.

Our experience has been, as no doubt many others, that I clear the decks before the cleaner comes. I probably spend an hour each before and after the cleaner comes clearing all the kitchen clutter/items on to one counter, bagging up all the toiletries in the bathroom and putting the bag on my bed. The cleaner then cleans. I expect home to move furniture to clean floors etc but I pay him to clean not move my stuff.

How big is your house and how often does the cleaner come? Ours is a 4-bedroom home and cleaner comes 4 hours every fortnight. Two hours isn’t very long.

it sounds like she wants to leave and I would let her.

I appreciate it's not working for the op and she has every right to change her cleaner, of course. It was just the sentiment that I was objecting to that she was a throwaway commodity and not a person who deserves respect like everyone else

Frankly, I think your cleaner has got above herself. She's employed to clean for two hours, reduced from three at her request. It strikes me that whatever her reason for reducing her hours, she feels the need to do the same level of work and finish that she used to accomplish in three hours. He frustration at being unable to do so, she is taking out on you, which isn't acceptable.

Remember, you are the employer and she is the employee. You call the shots as the person who pays her. Imagine if you employed a painter to paint a room green and he chose to paint it blue. It doesn't matter whether he thinks you are wrong. You pay the money and he delivers on your criteria. He may well advise you otherwise but irrespective, the final choice remains yours, not his. It is the same with your cleaner. You have employed her to do a cleaning task. The task may or may not be to her liking, but you get the final choice, she doesn't get to tell you what standard the house will be in order for her to clean.
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There's lots of diplomatic ways to deal with her, but I suspect that you are somewhat intimidated by the current situation and that is completely wrong. Your dificulty as I see this, is that this is happening in your own home. Think about it this way. If you'd sent your car to be be valeted every week and youi were perfectly happy with the valeting result, and then after four years the same approach was made by the valeter to you, methinks you would find it relatively easy to simply move on to another company for the work. The real difference in your home scenario is you may well feel as though your cleaner has "rights" to be in your home. Clearly she doesn't and that is an absolute.

You need to be able to remind her (in a nice but firm manner) that she takes instruction from you, and not you from her. If she is unable to agree this, then make it clear that it is time for her to find another client, for for you to take on someone else. If you do terminate her employment, difficult though that may be to countenance, you will feel all the more empowered with your next cleaner. You could even unwittingly be doing your current cleaner a favour by moving her on.

Good luck with a difficult situation.

Name for new business any ideas?

I own a cleaning company that’s does weekly , fortnightly cleans move out move in and deep cleans
we are extremely busy doing this .
i want to start another business that is more than cleaning . It would be doing whatever the householder is struggling with in the home . Could be laundry piles, washing , folding , ironing , water plants, shopping , meal prep, change beds , help with school things like book day outfits , basically a full home service . When we clean we see all of this that needs doing .
do you think this is a good idea ? Would you use it ?
also name ?
I have
The House Manager
Housemums uk
Another You
More than Cleaning
rhnakyou