Cleaner shamed us for house - not sure how to feel

[tokajlover]

We have had a cleaner for coming up to 4 years now and she’s brilliant, no complains from us whatsoever.

The reason we have a cleaner is because, like most people who do, we find it makes life much easier with a young child, and both my DH and I working a substantial distance from home, about an hour to an hour and a half’s commute a few times a week plus starting this year, school drop offs and pick ups etc. Our lives are chaotic but nothing out of the ordinary for young-ish professionals with a young child, except maybe the substantial commutes. Having a cleaner is definitely a God send!

Apparently, however, today she pulled my husband aside as he was WFH and told him that we need to do better, because she needs to do a “hard factory reset” every time she comes over.

Our house was definitely messy today after a weekend where we hosted and were away on the Saturday! But we don’t leave disgusting messes, food, we don’t have bugs etc (feel ashamed to even have to say this!), we aren’t hoarders, and our house is just a normally messier than we’d like it to be but not disgusting by any means 3 bed. The best way to put this would be, I guess, if announced guests had popped up today I would not have thought it the best time and would have said “sorry for the mess” but I wouldn’t have been excessively worried or scrambling about to get the place ready, as I wouldn’t have thought there was anything particularly bad about it just not “visitor-ready” and messy.

I feel so embarrassed now though and mum guilt has kicked in - I keep thinking that there’s plenty of full time working parents who don’t have a cleaner so what am I doing wrong.

She only does 2 hours a week but she did start out doing 3, with the idea initially being that she would do the general clean in 2 hours and do one deep-cleaning thing each time, she is the one who asked for fewer hours. We pay above the average rate which is not me congratulating ourselves by any means and we never minded as she does do an excellent job, just to clarify we are not under-paying her or anything like that!

I guess I just feel a bit ashamed and don’t know if she had a point or was this weird? Presumably people have cleaners to clean and sometimes the house is not in top shape when your cleaner arrives, but I thought that was normal? As I said we never leave messes for her to deal with later on purpose or any disgusting things, but part of me can’t help but feel extremely ashamed and bad!

@tokajlover get a new cleaner who doesnt judge. Shes there to do a job. I have a cleaner who tidies and cleans. Im a single working mother of two and i just cant do everything. I have a very demanding job. I pay her 5 hrs a week and she does an excellent job and we all feel so much better when shes done. However if she criticised me in any way, id get rid.

I don't understand why you feel ashamed.
It's quite easy for your standards to have changed in 4 years, and if life has gotten busier, you're more tired etc; the work you leave her can be different.

She hasn't said anything shaming, but the conversation leaves the door open for you think about how things may have changed and negotiate new cleaning terms.
That may be more of a housekeeping/cleaning arrangement where she spends more time or co.es an extra day. Nothing shameful in life/needs changing.

I think the general rule is you leave the house tidy enough that they can clean. Don’t get me wrong I’d love it to be tidying and cleaning but I think it’s generally accepted that they’re not there to pick up after you, they’re there to clean. I guess if you didn’t realise that then you’re obviously leaving the house messy thinking well that’s why we have a cleaner? Whereas she’s arriving thinking, god I need to wash up/pick up laundry/tidy away toys and you’re still expecting me to clean your bathroom, hoover etc etc. I think it’s hard to get a good cleaner and if she’s spent 4 years cleaning up after you without saying anything I’d probably just try my best to tidy before she comes. I actually think a lot of cleaners might have an issue with messiness

How do you expect the cleaner to clean if the place is messy? The clue to what she does is in her job title, she cleans. Sounds like you need a housemaid, not a cleaner.

Having a cleaner was what brought some discipline to me and my family. The evening before she came was when we all tidied and put things back where they belonged. Before that, the house used to get a bit feral!

She'd made it clear that she didn't tidy, mainly because of the risk of putting things in the 'wrong' place and having to field phone calls from clients blaming her when they couldn't find things! Which sounded perfectly reasonable to me.

So the evening before, kids and DH would be reminded that "it's Donna day tomorrow" and the next twenty minutes were spent having a quick tidy round, so that she'd be able to clean.
Now I'm the only person in the house, but I still have my fortnightly cleaner, and I still whizz around the night before!

I am a bit puzzled about "clear surfaces"? What about ornaments or, in the kitchen, pieces of kitchen equipment left out on worktops?

OP - was the house untidy when she arrived? Cleaners are paid to clean, and you need to tidy first so that she can do her job.

I had a messy friend who lost cleaner after cleaner because the poor women were confronted with chaos each time. They had to spend so much time tidying they didn’t have time to clean, and she just didn’t get it.

Firstly it sounds like you are trying to justify having a cleaner. Don't justify it to anyone. Praise yourself for acknowledging you can't do everything. By having a cleaner it allows you more time with child/family. It saddens me to think a lot of women are struggling to have it all...home, work, relationship and child/ren. I think its really sad that we are expected to run it all. At least get help where you can. What bliss it used to be coming home on a Wednesday after my cleaner had been. As regards to your cleaner, get another one. A good cleaner is precious but not at the risk of it upsetting you. Although it may have been her bad day so could just let it go

This! If she’s doing any of that it’s a housekeeper you need not a cleaner.

I currently pretty much have the opposite problem I think.

A big part of my motivation for having a fortnightly cleaner for the last 30+ years is that they are coming motivates me to ensure on the day they are due everything is tidied into it's proper place and the cleaner has a clear Tim at all areas and surfaces to ensure things are properly dusted, polished, swept, vacuumed and mopped. I don't want them to waste time moving my stuff around.

My current cleaner is an absolute delight. She is friendly, punctual, fairly priced, flexible and enthusiastic but she just hates cleaning! She would much rather tidy and reorganise our stuff. It's got to the point where I pretty much have to hide anything that's not nailed down to ensure that all she can do is clean. Otherwise she will redrape any throws or bedspreads, rearrange ornaments, shuffle the order of kitchen appliances, make cute little folds in the ends of loo rolls. Anything rather than actually clean things.

I live in a London suburb and good cleaners are like unicorns so I accept her idiosyncrasies because, as I say she is friendly, fairly priced and turns up but I long for someone grumpier and less chatty who cleans more thoroughly.

And don't get me started on the last cleaner - when I hired her I made a point of saying that because our house is surrounded by trees we had a lot of spiders and cobwebs. After about 6 months of her cleaning and me telling her every time that there were still massive cobwebs dangling everywhere making the house look like a horror movie, she told me I was being unreasonable because she didn't wear her glasses to clean, so couldn't be expected to see them!

A couple of hours a week is not possible to clean a house. You will have to do cleaning as well.
Have never had a cleaner though. All through my working life. And long commute.

I occasionally get a cleaner, for whatever I need done.
If it's already quite tidy, then she can do a deep clean, if it's not very tidy she cleans!
Common sense really.
Obviously you can't do a nice polish in 2 hours if there's normal cleaning needed.
I don't get why she cares?

I hired a cleaner for a deep clean. She charged me an absolute fortune and done a terrible job. However she also bad mouthed me to a friend of mine for the amount of dog hair in my house!

I have dog that sheds. The dog wasn’t at home and I’d vacuumed twice prior to the cleaner coming.

I don’t go a day without vacuuming or else there would be dog hair but not an embarrassing amount.

she made me out to be disgusting. She will not be returning.

and that is relevant becausr?

I agree with others, speak to her about what she means, it’s the only way to really understand what she’s getting at.

I am one of the people that thinks a cleaner is a cleaner and, if you want her to tidy too, you need one of those hire in housekeeper types instead of a cleaner. When my cleaner comes she is here to clean and the house is tidy with everything out of her way.

I have no experience of cleaners. Never hired them either. And I wondered what can be done in two hours that she might not be able to do herself I guess. Would she really notice a difference.

This. I had to clean before the cleaner came - i.e. put everything away - set out the hoover and all the materials, and make sure I had cash for a tip each week when I never have cash. (She was paid through an agency but they said we needed to tip, too.) And she wouldn't do laundry. It was less stressful to just not bother with a cleaner! Oh - and she would bring these trainees with her, who were sullen lumps, and one of them stole some of my jewellery. I didn't notice for ages, but it definitely wasn't anywhere in the house because I moved, and looked everywhere during the packing up and when the furniture moved. It must have been one of them because we had no other strangers in the house and the actual cleaner herself was lovely, with too much to lose even if she had been that way inclined. She cleaned for quite a few people in my building. I never saw the same trainee twice though. One of them swiped the silver and pearl Tiffany earrings I wore on my wedding day and a gold ring I'd bought my mum from my travels. 🤬 AND the cleaning was actually pretty expensive, given the basic cost and then the tip. Yeah. That was many years ago and I haven't had or considered a cleaner since! I only got one in the first place because my exH was completely useless.

Have her come for 3 hours again?
she maybe needs the extra time to tidy up before she starts the actual cleaning.
I don’t have a cleaner , only had one for a short time after having my 3rd child .
But she said if I had the place tidy then she could spend her time cleaning thoroughly so she’d be quicker and I’d only need her for 2 hours ( our house was quite small back then )

Don’t feel bad OP, you’re not doing anything wrong.

Some “cleaners” (e.g. mine) are more like housekeepers and happy to do tidying and organising as well as cleaning. There is nothing inherently wrong with paying someone to do that instead of pure cleaning, but obviously you can’t force this person to do that role if she’d rather not.

Perhaps it’ll be a happy ending and this was really her way of asking for more hours. If she thinks it needs extra hours but doesn’t fancy doing them, then perhaps find someone who will? I don’t think you should feel like you are being told what to do in your home.

Rude bitch. My cleaner instead sent photos of my mess to a mutual friend, not realising she was my friend also, so, she will be duly sacked.

Then she should just ask for more hours, not insult her employers! 🤣

from personal experience , yes.

Is she from another part of Europe, OP? Some of our continental cousins can be, um, rather direct!

Two hours a week is not much. Are you doing much cleaning on between? Because if not then yes the house will be very dirty.

i'd be livid if people sent pictures of my house around without permission whoever they were.