Would you invite adult children on holiday if they contributed nothing?

[Kittkats]

I’m just home from holiday with DH and 4DC. 2 DC are early teens. Eldest DS is 21. DD is 19 and at uni.
For the rest of us, this was our only holiday this year. It was DD’s 6th: she has (had) £30k in a government child trust fund and has used £10k so far for uni living costs and holidays with friends. She doesn’t work.
DD brought no money on holiday. DS1 bought the occasional ice cream etc, and mentioned he’d have brought more but had just lent Dd £550 for rent.
DH is really annoyed and doesn’t want the eldest two to come on holiday with us again. For reference, DH is recently disabled and still contributed £600 towards the holiday, despite not earning.
im torn: I love family holidays, and enjoy all the DC’s company, but it has been stressful watching pennies on holiday, not helped by DD requesting jet skiing etc at £90 for 20 minutes (I said no!). We aren’t in a position to easily afford holidays without cutting back elsewhere eg food shop- this holiday was saved for with cheaper meals and overtime shifts!
what would anyone else do in my position?

Were finances discussed prior to the holiday?

Have a camping holiday in the back garden next time

This is really something to be discussed before the holiday begins.

Id be asking why your DD with 30k is asking your son for money?!

What has your eldest DS actually done wrong?

I can understand your DH thinking DD is faking the piss, but DS seems to have bought something, and if he had lent his sister money for rent he may genuinely not have had more to give.

Besides that, just set your expectations out. If you want them to contribute a specific amount (which would be fair enough), get it from them in advance.

Time your children paid for their own holidays. They have grown up, have their own money and your circumstances have changed.

no, I would not expect young adult children to contribute to a family holiday. Especially if they weren’t in full time employment.
If I felt it appropriate for them to contribute I would discuss it before booking the holiday.

Why does your DD need to borrow rent money when she has money available to her?

I think you need to be explicit at the invitation stage - 'finances have changed for us, we'd love you to join us but will need you to pay your share'. Tbh it sounds like your DD isn't great with money, so it might put her off coming. It's not that unreasonable for them to assume you are still paying if you haven't discussed it.

No I wouldn’t expect them to contribute.

i was a right selfish cow at 21, im sure I would’ve done the same.

I would have a chat with her but unless you want her to contribute, what’s the point?

How did she get 30k?

Was it made clear that the holiday wasn’t all inclusive and the need for finances discussed before you went?

I would fund my adult DC if they weren’t working, but I’d opt for AI so I knew there was a fixed cost.

Where did the £30k trust fund come from and why doesn’t elder DS have one

she is taking the piss by having this hue amount of money but not having enough for rent that her brother bails her out

DD brought no money on holiday

Surely she has Apple pay on her phone? A debit card?

Before the holiday I explained I’d pay for food, meals out, family days out but specifically said to bring some money for ice creams/ cocktails/ jet skiing etc (all 3 of which dd asked for throughout!)

DS also has a trust fund, which he hasn’t touched. He is also at uni and works part time to cover costs. I agree, he hasn’t done anything wrong! I think DH’s problem is more that 1) he’s annoyed by Dd and 2) he feels like DS keeps correcting him/ disagreeing on little things (this is partly because DH’s recent struggles include cognitive problems, partly because DS speaks to DH and me adult-to-adult rather than child to parent: I think this is how it should be, DH feels disrespected).

Yes. We invite our adult sons on holiday with us and don’t expect them to contribute a penny. We pay for flights, cars, accommodation and every single bit of food.

It’s our treat and we can afford it. Not the same at all as if we were strapped for cash. Then we’d either not do it, or expect them to make a contribution.

It sounds like DD's child trust friend is to cover her uni expenses. Does she get a maintenance loan as well? If she does, unless it's just a minimum loan (guessing not from your description of your circumstances) then she has a decent amount of disposable income and more than enough to cover uni.

I have similar age children and we expect to pay for everything if we go on holiday although we wouldn't pay for "extras" like the jet skiing. But we are in a position to do so and know the DC don't have a huge amount of spare cash. If our circumstances were different we would have had a candid conversation before we went away.

She initially said she “forgot “ her debit card when asking to jet ski. I mentioned Apple Pay and she then said she couldn’t log in to her trust fund and only had 38p. She returned from Italy with friends a week before.

We pay for everything bar the flights, I like it when they buy the very odd round of drinks - I think it’s just good manners. Ds was especially thrilled in the last place we went, as a round cost £5! 🤣

Why is your son lending his sister money for rent when she has thousands of pounds herself?

That sounds a great compromise!

Considering my 9 & 12yo pay for ice creams and sweets and fair rides with saved pocket money, I'd certainly expect my older children to when the time comes if they have income.

At that age, I didn't ask them to contribute. Even now, in their later 20s, with partners, we'd still cover most of the costs.

But, over time they've offered more - paying for drinks or food for everyone. That happened gradually throughout their 20s, but not so much at 19 and 21.

If I couldn't afford it, though, I'd have asked for a contribution.

It should’ve been discussed before the holiday so you all knew where you stood BUT your dd definitely should have brought spending money. At 19 to expect her parents to pay for day to day costs on a holiday they’d already paid for is pretty cheeky

Next year you need to have a clear talk about money and who is responsible for what . If DD is too tight then she won't go .

That's rather different. Presumably you are giving your children money that is meant to be spent on ice creams and sweets etc, and they don't have a whole lot of other things to spend it on?

My son is at Uni and at the moment when I take him on holiday I pay. We have a couple of short breaks planned. He will buy the odd thing from a shop and any souvenirs. I will pay the rest and am good with that. Next year we may do a centre parcs holiday and take his gf. He has said they could chip in. My plan is to offer to pay for the accommodation and suggest we all put in £100 for food and drink (to cover eating in and out) and that if they want to do any paid activities on top they will have to pay for those. That way we will all know where we stand before I book.

No we haven't but our kids aren't taking 6 hoildays a year and do not have such a huge trust fund though do have savings - and we were doing mainly free activties - they paid to get to location as they weren't traveling with us but did pay for train fare to another location while there.

However DH was bit more constained round DS coming up to DD1 graduation - so it does depend. Main thing is to be clear about expectations from start.