Would you invite adult children on holiday if they contributed nothing?

[Kittkats]

I’m just home from holiday with DH and 4DC. 2 DC are early teens. Eldest DS is 21. DD is 19 and at uni.
For the rest of us, this was our only holiday this year. It was DD’s 6th: she has (had) £30k in a government child trust fund and has used £10k so far for uni living costs and holidays with friends. She doesn’t work.
DD brought no money on holiday. DS1 bought the occasional ice cream etc, and mentioned he’d have brought more but had just lent Dd £550 for rent.
DH is really annoyed and doesn’t want the eldest two to come on holiday with us again. For reference, DH is recently disabled and still contributed £600 towards the holiday, despite not earning.
im torn: I love family holidays, and enjoy all the DC’s company, but it has been stressful watching pennies on holiday, not helped by DD requesting jet skiing etc at £90 for 20 minutes (I said no!). We aren’t in a position to easily afford holidays without cutting back elsewhere eg food shop- this holiday was saved for with cheaper meals and overtime shifts!
what would anyone else do in my position?

It depends. While they were at uni, we would pay for everything. Now, we would pay for most of it but I would expect them to make some contribution. So dd and I went away to spain last year. We were flying from different airports on different days so she paid for her flight. I paid for the hotel and most of the meals but she bought some meals/drinks/etc

My parents would never expect me to contribute to a family holiday they invited me on. They are not wealthy…. But they provide what they can afford. Generally my husband would make sure to pay for a meal before they got chance etc.

we don’t really have family holidays in the same way we used to as we arrange things due to having kids. We now invite them along and wouldn’t expect them to contribute - although they would also get meals etc.

I do a half and half - my 28 year old hasn’t been away atall this year struggling to afford his rent after splitting with girlfriend -so taking him away with us at new year to Sweden - I’m paying for his hotel ( he’s in a more reasonable one than ours) and will pay for dinners out - he’s paying for his flight and daytime spends - but this was discussed .

I'd just be hoping the eldest stop wanting to come to avoid this kind of thing. Trouble is, your daughter sounds exactly like she'll continue to come if she sees a free holiday. If they don't earn, you can't expect them to pay so you need to book a holiday with that in mind - it fits your budget and doesn't make you feel resentful if your daughter doesn't put her hand in her pocket.

While our DC were still at university we assumed we would pay for pretty much everything if they came on family holidays with us. However, our holidays did not involve any activities that cost £90 for a 20 minute session.

It’s hard as there seems to be a reasonable age gap between your youngest 2 and your eldest. I think you should either invite the elder ones with you, and pay for them, or decide they are old enough and just take the younger ones. Personally we stopped family holidays when the youngest turned 18. We holiday as a couple and if they want to come, they pay for themselves. You will need to do this in 2 steps due to age gap I think.
However, if they come, I would be crystal clear on expectations of what is included and if DD asks for something beyond that - eg cocktails or jet skiing, then the answer is no. If she has not bought money with her, her tough luck (that was obviously a deliberate ploy).
Tell DS not to lend DD any money and if he does, not to come complaining to you about it as you told him not to.
If you will feel resentful for paying for them, I’d go on cheaper holidays. Save the Caribbean cruises for when you go alone :-)

It doesn’t matter what others do. You can’t afford to pay for their holiday without making drastic cuts elsewhere and then having to watch the pennies while away, which doesn’t make for an enjoyable break for you. Ask them to contribute in advance.

I’m currently on holiday with DD (22) and DS (20). We’ve paid for the flights, hotel rooms and meals. DD has brought her BF - we’re not paying for him. They’re (DD and DS) are paying for excisions. We appear to be paying for coffee. It seems to be working out OK. Doubtless helped by DD winning €300 on bingo on day 3!

I would agree with DH what a reasonable contribution will be for the two eldest and let them know before you book the next one.

We pay for DS1 but he did pay for a family meal whilst we were away (about €150). He also had his own card so did buy himself the odd drink or snack too.

I will invite mine for as long as I can afford it but it sounds that maybe in future you should ask for a contribution up front to cover costs.

If we go on a family holiday we pay for everyone and everything, including the odd friend and spouses. We usually do a long weekend in a tree house at Center Parcs. It’s a great chance for us all to get together and I really value the time. Well worth the money we spend.

Honestly I think it depends how important it is to you that they come on holiday with you. My PIL have taken us on a big family holiday with DH’s siblings and their kids every year for the last 10 years - from when I was a new girlfriend to now with two kids of our own in tow. The kids love it and we’re very grateful. They’ve never let us pay for more than the occasional meal. Even the year I asked for extra baggage they wouldn’t let me pay for it.

Now we wouldn’t miss it and would happily contribute more if circumstances changed, but if they’d asked for a contribution in the pre-kid era, we’d most likely have chosen not to go. We didn’t have loads of spare money or annual leave and it would have meant choosing between a couples holiday and the family trip - which wouldn’t have been a hard decision back then!

We do cover our own excursions though, or any outings the whole family doesn’t do. I think she should have brought her own spending money, but she sounds disorganised rather than deliberately cheap. I think it’s fair to allow for natural consequence of that I.e no extra activities.

I can see the annoyance at DD. I think it's reasonable, but also that you could manage things a bit differently to avoid the situation. If you want to holiday with your kids, at least while they're still young adults, I think you're going to get them to come a lot more if you're the one paying. With someone like DD, you need her paying that contribution upfront - so PP's idea of them paying for the flights, but you cover (a reasonable amount of) cocktails and ice cream, etc. seems like it would work better with her.

If DS contributed £600 then DD should have done the same but I would have explicitly said it before the holiday and took it off her.

But she’s only 19 and unless you and DH are struggling I think even £600 is a lot to take off your kids.

You and DH seem quite strict and mean but perhaps I’m just soft.
I couldn’t imagine not inviting my kids on holiday.

Yes we pay for our daughter, I’d not consider asking a 19 year old uni student to,pay, and my daughter is now late 20s and if she comes with us, we pay,

I don’t understand your point about your husband contributing, isn’t it joint money, sounds like your finances are seperate.

if you don’t wish to pay, don’t, but don’t do it and get the arse or start watching your child’s finances with an envious eye

It’s her husband who contributed, not the son,

Before the holiday I explained I’d pay for food, meals out, family days out but specifically said to bring some money for ice creams/ cocktails/ jet skiing etc (all 3 of which dd asked for throughout!)

As you asked them to bring their own spending money for treats prior to the holiday, you're not being unreasonable. You aren't in the position to cover those at the moment and they're old enough to understand that. Both of my children (21 and 17) had p-t jobs during the summer - your DD didn't and it sounds as if she's spent her summer spending - so why couldn't she put a little aside for this trip?

Older DD sounds like the reason you are annoyed, and I don’t blame you.

Cover all expectations before booking a family holiday. My 19yo is choosing not to go on our family holiday next month so he has booked flights to see friends for the four nights we are away. He doesn't want to do the holiday as it's too babyish for him (fair enough). So he is paying for his own flights and sorting out accommodation with friends. He will pay for his own food. It's fine. He worked full time hours over the summer holidays so he can afford to do this himself.

Your DD needs a job!

No if I was inviting them on a family holiday I'd be paying.

We never expected our adult children to pay if they came on holiday with us. We also paid tuition fees and living expenses while they were at uni. However, we could afford it and I appreciate not everyone can. Quite honestly I don’t know why someone would have 4 children if it stretches their finances so much.

@Yetone The OP explained that her DH is recently disabled and not currently earning, I imagine their financial circumstances have changed drastically.

Your dd sounds very entitled. We paid for holidays for our children when they were in university - but not one of them would have expected us to pay for cocktails and jet ski hire etc. They all worked the summers and had their own money. They would usually bring us out for breakfast or buy pastries too.

With regard to your ds well of course he should speak to you adult to adult - he is an adult after all. But if he is correcting your dh and disagreeing with him in a way he wouldn't the father of a friend or another adult then it is a bit hypocritical - he is an adult when it comes to telling his dad when he is wrong but a child when it comes to putting his hand in his pocket. Maybe I took the wrong end of the stick but it sounds like your ds has been a bit unkind or thoughtless to his recently disabled dad.

Quite honestly I don’t know why someone would have 4 children if it stretches their finances so much.

Younger MNers reading this thread should realise that if they think they won't be able to pay for jetskis and cocktails for the first 2 children on family holidays in 15 years time then please please use contraception and stick with 2 kids - it just isn't fair on the existing two otherwise.

@Pallisers Not to mention spa treatments and designer clothing. All are life essentials.😁