Would you invite adult children on holiday if they contributed nothing?

[Kittkats]

I’m just home from holiday with DH and 4DC. 2 DC are early teens. Eldest DS is 21. DD is 19 and at uni.
For the rest of us, this was our only holiday this year. It was DD’s 6th: she has (had) £30k in a government child trust fund and has used £10k so far for uni living costs and holidays with friends. She doesn’t work.
DD brought no money on holiday. DS1 bought the occasional ice cream etc, and mentioned he’d have brought more but had just lent Dd £550 for rent.
DH is really annoyed and doesn’t want the eldest two to come on holiday with us again. For reference, DH is recently disabled and still contributed £600 towards the holiday, despite not earning.
im torn: I love family holidays, and enjoy all the DC’s company, but it has been stressful watching pennies on holiday, not helped by DD requesting jet skiing etc at £90 for 20 minutes (I said no!). We aren’t in a position to easily afford holidays without cutting back elsewhere eg food shop- this holiday was saved for with cheaper meals and overtime shifts!
what would anyone else do in my position?

This ^^ in our family ..young adults not working in education paid for, the invitation from parents implies the gift.

Why don't the eldest 2 have jobs though?

@Anyahyacinth The OP did make the situation clear prior to the holiday though

Before the holiday I explained I’d pay for food, meals out, family days out but specifically said to bring some money for ice creams/ cocktails/ jet skiing etc (all 3 of which dd asked for throughout!)

DDs (21 and 17) still very much want to go on holiday with us. They did bring some spending money but we didn't ask them to pay for anything. When they are both earning good salaries/ out of full time education it will be different.

Before the holiday I explained I’d pay for food, meals out, family days out but specifically said to bring some money for ice creams/ cocktails/ jet skiing etc (all 3 of which dd asked for throughout!)

The kids were very unreasonable given this was specified prior.

We invite adult kids when we go away and if we have anyone come (not always as they have work and other life commitments to factor in), then we always pay. However, there is a level of independence, for example if they choose to go somewhere outside of the resort for the day where we are not going then they would finance themselves for the day. If they choose to eat outside the resort, or go to a different restaurant than DH and I outside the resort, or if they choose to go out somewhere different for a few drinks, they finance that themselves. If they eat or drink within a resort we are staying at they will just charge it to the room and we pick up the tab at the end, or if they elect to join DH and I if we are going stung/drinking outside a resort we stay at then we pay the entire bill. Works for us.

Yes I agree but having 4 children is always going to leave you open if the unexpected happens and when it does you can’t feel resentful to your children.
I am wondering if the oldest 2 are not OP’s husband’s children as he seems to resent them so much. Of course the older son can speak to his parents like an adult which he is.
It seems from the posts that most people pay for their adult children when they are on holiday while they are still studying but mine would not have asked for Jet ski rides, cocktails etc. I am sure OP only needs to remind her daughter once or twice that she previously stated what she would be paying for.
It is not always possible for children to work while they are at university. Some courses are full on.

Who gives them the pocket money?!

Neither paid towards the holiday, I paid for everyone. I’m not sure where you got the idea I wanted them to pay £600??? The holiday was only £2,300 (I couldn’t afford more!) plus meals and trips out.
Ideally, DD would have paid for expensive extras she kept asking for herself, but as she brought zero money DH wants her to contribute something next time (unspecified- but way less than £600!! ) whereas I would feel bad about that… though recognise that with current financial circumstances it may mean no holiday for any of us if the alternative is I pay for everyone.

I hope when she was asking for expensive extras the answer was no.

I’d pay for the holiday and meals but expect them to bring their own spending money for extra activities and drinking. She was being a bit cheeky.

This is tricky. 19 is still young and she’s probably in the first years of being “self sufficient”. Having said that, she’s definitely old enough to understand that she is free-loading. I have one the same age and she has her moments but is also very aware of when the money-tree runs out.
You need to have a serious conversation with her about how things are as she’s going to burn through that trust-fund pretty quickly.

I'd tell your daughter that when she's burned through all her trust fund money, if she comes home it will be beans on toast and nights in for her as you won't be subbing her previous lifestyle.

This is key. Your dd clearly still thinks bank of mum and dad. You need to remind her of your DH’s new circumstances. She’s been on 6 holidays, as a uni student? Bloody hell, I worked in the holidays to keep myself going, certainly didn’t go away!

For goodness sake, they are adults - they should be going on holiday with their mates or a boyfriend/ girlfriend, not their mum and dad!!

you realise it is possible to do both (and if DD has been on 6 holidays, then presumably she has)? Plenty of people go on holiday with their parents even when they have children of their own.

I went on a holiday with my mum and partner when I was 19 and in full time employment (on minimum wage) but they didn’t make me pay anything as I was saving to to go uni.

It sounds to me like the issue is more of what/if any discussions have been had on expectations of how this trust fund should be spent.

No

21 and 19 aren't what I would consider fully fledged adults. My dc are similar ages, both students, so if course I pay for everything if we go out or in holiday. If they bring a student boyfriend or girlfriend I have to pay for them too - I just hope they look after me when they are earning their big post grad wages! ;-)

If DH expects him to chip in for costs he can't then expect him to behave like a child when it suits!

Tbh OP at their ages I'd expect to be paying for their holidays if they were invited. They're still not full on adults.

I certainly wouldn't want either of them using their trust funds on a family holiday.

I wouldn't expect young adult children who are students to contribute. So I think DS buying ice creams (if it was for everyone) is a lovely gesture. But I would be very worried why DD needs to borrow his money for rent if she had a 30k trust fund, and I think they are young enough for you to question this as a concerned parent.

I took both DC and DS's partner to NYC last year. It cost a fortune. I paid for almost everything. but I invited them. They all now earn more than I ever have, so I wont be inviting again - not out of meanness, but because I need to be more sensible with money.

Normally dh and I pay for everything bar a few rounds of drinks which our adult children (both early 20s) will buy however this year I asked them to pay half their holiday too and a few rounds of drinks while away. Neither grumbled.

dh and I paid for all food and drink during the day.

Your daughter is the main problem really isn’t she? Blowing through £30k and needs telling she is being absolutely ridiculous and make it VERY clear to her that once she’s blown through that money by Xmas if not before that you and her brother etc won’t be bailing her out and won’t be paying her rent or anything else! She needs to get a job like her brother and stop blowing money on holidays and whatever else!!

I was married with a baby at 19. Had 2 DC by 21. I was a fully-fledged adult.

I don’t except my kids to contribute until they are working. Even then straight after uni and into work they are skint and have debts. If you can’t afford it don’t go or do sth cheaper.

My dc like us, we like them. Why wouldn’t we go on holiday together?

We also go without them and they also go without us. It’s not either or.

i think it’s a bit sad the way some posters on here seem to think that once a child reaches 18, that’s it, they’re kicked out of the nest with not treated as part of the immediate family anymore.

I think dd ending to borrow 500 off her brother is a bigger issue! Sounds like he is unlikely to get that back if she was down to 38p, which is going to build resentment towards her in the future. You need to tell dd to sort her spending out and get a job (and pay her brother back as a priority!) and him not to give her any more money.

Going forward it depends. Paying for them but expecting them to get a few rounds in etc is reasonable. At some point if you want to stop paying for them though you have to accept they probably will no longer come on holiday with you, particularly as they start working and AL is limited.

Likely, you just think you were. Unless you were a scientific marvel, your brain still had significant development occurring. This is why I also don’t believe people should be able to make the decision to join military, go off and fight, and several other things in life, until at least the average age where physiological development is ‘finalised’.