Would you invite adult children on holiday if they contributed nothing?

[Kittkats]

I’m just home from holiday with DH and 4DC. 2 DC are early teens. Eldest DS is 21. DD is 19 and at uni.
For the rest of us, this was our only holiday this year. It was DD’s 6th: she has (had) £30k in a government child trust fund and has used £10k so far for uni living costs and holidays with friends. She doesn’t work.
DD brought no money on holiday. DS1 bought the occasional ice cream etc, and mentioned he’d have brought more but had just lent Dd £550 for rent.
DH is really annoyed and doesn’t want the eldest two to come on holiday with us again. For reference, DH is recently disabled and still contributed £600 towards the holiday, despite not earning.
im torn: I love family holidays, and enjoy all the DC’s company, but it has been stressful watching pennies on holiday, not helped by DD requesting jet skiing etc at £90 for 20 minutes (I said no!). We aren’t in a position to easily afford holidays without cutting back elsewhere eg food shop- this holiday was saved for with cheaper meals and overtime shifts!
what would anyone else do in my position?

All my DC live at home and pay no rent. We charge them nothing. If they ever try and pay for us. We refund the money back

I pay for DS and his girlfriend (she lives with us so a bit different to just a girlfriend) if I invite them. But they’ll often go out for the day on their own and they’ll finance their meals / travel and other costs if they do.

I’m sure I’m in the minority here but what normal 19 and 21 year old wants to go on holiday with their parents?

Yes, we’ll take adult DC (18 and 21) on holiday so long as we can afford to do so. If booking a villa, buying food etc and while they are students, yes. But again, only because we can afford to do so. We won’t be booking hotels and separate rooms any more as it is so expensive now they are older, but will look at villas/cottages/apartments where we can absorb the cost of them joining us with little uplift to the overall cost.

If you cannot afford to take them - perhaps because you are sending money to them for uni or simply because of CoL issues, then you need to explain that next year you will need to just go with the younger children OR they can come with you if they bring their own spending/fun money, pay for a couple of rounds of drinks in the evening, pay for travel (flights?).

It’s lovely, if you can afford it, to continue including them but if you are going without other stuff on the year to save for the holiday, it is not unreasonable to not invite them next year and giving them the heads up now means they can start saving for next year or make cheap plans with friends. And let’s face it, if they are having to fund it, they’d probably rather go with friends anyway.

I can understand DS1 not doing much - £500 is a lot of money to most people these days - but DD has no excuse with £20k in the bank. She should be ashamed given what you and hubby had to do to afford a holiday.
I wouldn't be taking her on holiday again.

Mine are adults and “Bizarrelly” still love spending time with us. We go on nights out with them too, or should they only go on nights out with their friends? They also have their own friends , boyfriends/girlfriends who they go on holiday with too.

we also go on holiday without them too.

im 50 and still go on holiday with my mum at times too.

mine do actually love spending time with their parents, unfortunately not everyone is as lucky!

This is mad. Did you actually invite them on holiday? They are old enough now to decide what they want to do when it comes to holidays, if I were 19/20 and my parents invited me on holiday I wouldn’t expect to be paying for things - surely that’s just having kids? I don’t think you can blame them if you didn’t make it clear from the start. It’s also not fair to pay for one or two of them and not the older ones.

I think given your finances, not having a holiday again or at least until they can contribute something is a reasonable thing to do.

Many of them? Some people like going to a new place and being abroad, why is it bad if they are with family?

My ds did a friend's holiday this year and then later came on our family holiday

You’re certainly in the minority as far as my friends go. We all holiday with our young adult DC.

They have holidays with their mates, with their partners and also come on family trips. They enjoy my company, what can I say? 🤷‍♀️

This all sounds so stressful.
She went on holiday with friends ! Is that a crime ?
Did you want to see her or not ?

Next time set very clear and strict boundaries.
Exactly what you pay for and what you want from them.
I hope I can have a family holidays when DC are older and I would try and pay for everything but would only do what I can afford.

Why would you not want to go on holiday with adult DC? Are they not Ur family?

Um, lots of them?

If someone likes exploring a new place and new country... Why not enjoy doing it with family?

I wouldn't expect my DC to contribute to a family holiday other than spending money. But you made it clear what wasn't included and your DD completely ignored you.

My DC would have been told we weren't covering the cost of jet skiing and they'd have used their own money or gone without. Because we don't have that sort of money!

My parents paid for me and my BF to go on a family holiday when I was 19. Anything extra we paid for even though I only had my summer job.

We will be going on holiday shortly and taking our DC 24 and 22 with us. The elder is a student and the younger has just graduated. We are paying for accommodation, meals and transport. We will also pay for things like coffee if we are together and have given each of them an activity budget - not massive but allows for a spa treatment and a couple of surfing sessions. How they spend it is up to them but when its gone its gone. They know this and have been aware for a while of how to plan for things eg when younger they would have a "young person's meal" earlier in the evening than us and were expected to pay for the soft drinks that weren't included with their pocket money. They worked out that they could share a larger soft drink and have tap water on the side to mean that their money went further......

DC1 was on an international summer school last week where accomodation wasn't included. As the location was nice I went too and we shared a room - in a much nicer hotel than they could have afforded - which I paid for. Every now and then they'd pay for our coffees out or a taxi back - its just good manners and not taking the bank of mum for granted.

I thought that, ours are 23 but their mates don't go on the kind of holidays we go on and so they still seem very keen to come with us - but I'm under no illusion, my kids go because they get a say in the location, the accommodation is always very nice, we are very into our food & wine so we eat out frequently in very nice restaurants and we do interesting things.

If we said you are paying for your share we wouldn't see them for dust!
Even if they were paying, we'd have to compromise and go budget so I wouldn't be happy.😂Also we don't all live together any more so it's our way of keep the family communicating - so I see it as a bit of an investment in our kid's future relationship, it's been a bit icy at times.

No I would not expect my kids (23 and21) to pay. My son is on minimum wage and my DD is at uni. But then I can afford to pay. If you can’t then perhaps you need to plan a less expensive holiday.

DH is recently disabled

That might be affecting family finances and it’s also not something that can be predicted. They also had children 20 years ago, when things were a lot easier financially. Circumstances change unexpectedly so don’t judge

Your kids are adults and if you want adults with no real disposable income to come on holiday with you, you are gonna have to cover them.
my kids are similar age, bit younger, and if I said to them “you have to pay your own way” they’d be “er no I’ll just go with my friends”.
it boiled over with us on a ski trip when we’d paid for everything, hire, lift pass etc. and then two of them did apres ski from 2pm into the evening and then were too hungover to ski the next morning. I was fuming about them not appreciating it. I couldn’t afford ski holidays until I worked and then I skied from first lift to last lift as they were so expensive.
So in summary they don’t really want to go on holiday with us, we have to make it attractive enough. If we suggested camping in Clacton, they’d be “enjoy it, I ain’t coming”.
So no, I wouldn’t expect them to pay.

I have already answered this. They had the oldest two 20 years ago not the youngest 2.
I am sure you and others think I am being mean but having 4 or more children seems to be the source of a lot of problems on here. Children have always been expensive and no one knows what is around the corner.

No, unless I had plenty of money abd they were good, hard working kids.

Exactly this, this thread is so weird everyone really does baby their adult children now. My 19 year old and her boyfriend are coming with us next year but their paying. They both work full time and own a house why would i pay for them to go on holiday

I don’t really see it as babying them. I have more disposable income now than I used to so I can afford it. I want to spend time with them on holiday and although they are working it’s unrealistic for them to pay to come on holiday with us as well as afford separate holidays with friends/girlfriends. So if they had to choose which to pay for I imagine they would prioritise friends and girlfriends (I would have at that age!).

At home they pay rent, buy their own clothes, run their own cars, phones etc, do their own laundry and ironing so they’re not getting a free ride in life.