Would you invite adult children on holiday if they contributed nothing?

[Kittkats]

I’m just home from holiday with DH and 4DC. 2 DC are early teens. Eldest DS is 21. DD is 19 and at uni.
For the rest of us, this was our only holiday this year. It was DD’s 6th: she has (had) £30k in a government child trust fund and has used £10k so far for uni living costs and holidays with friends. She doesn’t work.
DD brought no money on holiday. DS1 bought the occasional ice cream etc, and mentioned he’d have brought more but had just lent Dd £550 for rent.
DH is really annoyed and doesn’t want the eldest two to come on holiday with us again. For reference, DH is recently disabled and still contributed £600 towards the holiday, despite not earning.
im torn: I love family holidays, and enjoy all the DC’s company, but it has been stressful watching pennies on holiday, not helped by DD requesting jet skiing etc at £90 for 20 minutes (I said no!). We aren’t in a position to easily afford holidays without cutting back elsewhere eg food shop- this holiday was saved for with cheaper meals and overtime shifts!
what would anyone else do in my position?

You haven’t explained why DS had to give DD rent money? It doesn’t make sense.

I pay for my DC to come on holiday with me and I pay for everything. They both live in London and work FT. However, that’s explained and fully understood up front.

Your DD seems to be rather spoiled and grabby.

I think at that age I'd pay for the flights and accommodation but expect them to contribute their fare share to rounds and activities. Right now for example I pay for cinema tickets but the DCs (16 and 14) pay for their popcorn, sweets and drinks. So probably a more intense version of that.

Maybe you should petition to get the law changed. Get the age of consent and voting age to what you consider suitable.

I would pay for most things until they graduated from uni. But it already sounds like you did.

After uni I'd invite them but say upfront "this is how much it will cost" and leave it up to them to decide if they want to come.

If I'd told them in advance that I'd pay for everything except ice-cream, extra things like jetskiing, souvenirs, extra cocktails etc, and they didn't have money to pay for them themselves - too bad. They go without. Even my junior schooler knows they have to save their pocket money if they want extra stuff.

I think you just tell them honestly. We want you to come on holiday with us. We love all going together. But we can't afford a holiday if we have to pay for everyone. Everyone over 18 needs to contribute. And also pay for individual activities they want to do. As the other 2 get older, apply the same rule.

I think this is trickier for young adults to navigate than parents always realise. You need to play your part in moving your relationship on from top-down parent to child to a more mutually respectful adult to adult one. It sounds like your daughter is inclined to revert to "child mode" when she can around you - and perhaps you are entrenching that pattern by dealing with it in a top down "parent mode" way - she didn't do as I told her so next time we just won't bring her.

You can of course just stop bringing her, but both sides could probably handle this in a more grown up, mutually respectful way.

The bigger issue is it sounds like she might have trouble managing her money. Maybe you can help her with that, again approaching adult-adult if you can.

How much is the son's trust fund going to be? A big discrepancy there is going to cause huge resentment.

I wouldn't expect them to pay unless they had full time jobs.
What has your DD done with her money? This is the reason we saved for DS but put nothing in his CTF. He got about £1.5k and my mum gave him some money for his 18th. Some went in savings, some in a LISA and he has kept some for fun money at uni.
I am expecting him to get a job.

We’ve just come back from holiday with son and his girlfriend. We paid for everything when they were with us, and their flights and accommodation. Son bought one round of ice creams and GF bought nothing for us, not even a (cheap) round of drinks. Disappointing.

I will keep inviting and paying for my DC to come on holiday with us as long as I can afford to/they want to

My brother is on disabilty benefits as am I. He would never go on holiday by himself amd has no friends so Mum takes him, she pays for flights, accommodation, food, etc. All he has to provde is his spending money. I am assuming your children are not disabled. If your daughter can afford to go on multiple holidays she can afford to pay towards her share of yours and pay for her own bloody jetskiing. Why on earth is her brother paying her rent? That needs to be knocked on the head. Invite her on holiday but say she has to at least contribute towards the cost of the holiday and pay for her own activities and souvenirs. If she kicks up a fuss tell her she is not coming. Same rule for your son.

There is a good saying - 'if you need to discuss things, you don't need to discuss things'. There are such things as common decency, which the two eldest of the OP are clearly missing.

It is a uniquely British thing - unspoken rules and expectation of decency. I have noticed that they are gradually disappearing, it makes me so sad, wretched even. How can these young British people not infer? How on Earth? Actually, I noticed it about maybe 10 years ago - and I changed my behaviour with my dc. After a friend's children threw 'we never asked you for it' in her face, when she sacrificed to send them to a proper private school (not like ours), she was crushed. So from that moment (I know it was too late, it was teenage years for mine already) I started pricing things in front of them, aloud. Like 'did you say you wanted xxx? Do you know how much it costs? This is how much it costs. It will take me so many days/hours/months to make this amount.' I know some people say it is vulgar and crass. I agree, it is vulgar and crass. I just remember my friend's face and her whole demeanour, literally crushed with her children's entitlement and lack of gratitude.
Don't invite them anymore - but don't keep them guessing why, tell them. 'I am sorry I am so embarrassed to have to tell you, but since you do not seem to understand....'

Rather than not inviting your eldest two on holiday, I would instead have a stern chat with DD about expectations and money, explaining that the Bank of Mum and Dad has closed her overdraft and a less stern chat (given his recent health issues) with DH about your DS who sounds a star!

If you pay for your children to go to private school that is your choice, not generally something they have any say in, and not something that they need to be grateful for for ever afterwards because of how much it cost. It sounds like the parent had constantly been making comments about "sacrifices" which is what prompted the response.

As this thread shows there is no one approach for taking adult children on holiday, particularly those who are only just over 18 and at university, so it's not really anything to do with "decency". In general it's a good idea to discuss expectations beforehand so no one is left guessing. In this case OP did, and her DD still expected more and didn't show much gratitude, which is the problem, not the paying for them in he first place.

This is why people need to talk about expectations in advance. Some people get horribly offended if you offer to pay for things when you are their guest and refuse to let them do it. How is the GF meant to work out what you expect from her unless you've told her?

It’s expected, in my neck of the woods, to employ basic good manners and offer to buy a drink if someone else is doing the hosting.

I think if you invite them on the family holiday and they’re in full time education you pay but it’s fair they would pay for extras like jet skiing

Yes at 19 and 21 your adult children are still.young . We would pay for them on holiday. if you want their company. If you don't want them to come with you then don't invite them.
Unless you are struggling for money and they they have a lot of disposable income .

I’m in my mid-thirties and even now if I go away with my parents they refuse to let me pay a penny 🤷‍♀️ whenever I’ve paid for something in the past, they put the money back in my account the next day 😂

The point is, all families are different and it’s something that needs to be discussed and agreed before the holiday begins, not after you all get back home.

It would be reasonable to expect parents to pay for such things as family meals in a restaurant or a visit to a water park, but young people aged 19 and 21 should at least bring their own damn spending money.

But is the GF from your "neck of the woods" and does she understand this?

I know plenty of people who would consider it an insult to their hosting if I offered to buy a drink when I was their guest. It's a minefield if you don't know.

If I invite them to come, I pay.

We are currently on holiday with DS - 20
and at uni, and his GF. We have paid for holiday and meals when with us, Gf kindly paid for a meal last night, but other than that I would expect us to cover all expenses when they are with us. However that means if they do stuff when not with us or want to do expensive activities then unless it’s something we suggested, then they pay for it themselves.

Your DD sounds like the problem here. I would talk to her specifically. Let her know you can’t afford jet skiing and she needs to make this £30k last her for uni or be lumbered with a big debt.

After my friend's experience, I sat mine down and said 'that is it, I am withdrawing you from your private school, you did not ask me to send you there, you are going to a local school'. The begging, the promises, the pleas that ensued from mine - you won't believe it - they begged to continue going to their old school. So I can assure you, in my case from senior school, it was their choice, or rather, it was their begging plea. Obviously, I had no intention of withdrawing, it was done for future reference, as a guard against 'never asked you to go there', so I would, if their memory fails and they say that - be able to say 'remember how you asked, no, how you begged to stay in your old school, how you promised your grades will improve, how you will study day and night?'