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I have to do a horrible thing tonight and I’m not sure I can do it (trigger warning r*pe)

224 replies

NotSureICanDoIt · Yesterday 11:42

Something awful happened at the weekend, a ‘friend’ raped me, and tonight I have to go and do a video interview. I’m just not sure that I can go through with it. Even thinking about it makes me shake. I’ve done the forensics bit at the weekend, this is just the interview instead of making a statement.

Not sure what I’m posting for really. Has anyone else done one of these before? What if they don’t believe me?

OP posts:
Triskellion75 · Yesterday 13:05

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but my God I'm in awe of your courage. You have an army of women here who will be with you every step of the way.

Stopthattrain · Yesterday 13:06

You are so brave. Be kind and patient with yourself. I will be in a yoga class at the time of your interview tonight and will dedicate my practice to you to send positive energy your way

Bloozie · Yesterday 13:08

Bless you. You CAN do it. It will be impossibly hard, but you can do this. They will be nothing but supportive. This isn't a trial, it's a chance for you to put down on record the awful thing that happened to you. Try and frame it in your head as something that will be cathartic. This happened, it matters, it should go on record.

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I will be thinking of you tonight. Good luck.

Puffydippy · Yesterday 13:10

I am so so sorry this has happened to you.
Even if noone is physically with you, just know that every poster here has your back.

BillieWiper · Yesterday 13:12

It's not their place to disbelieve you. They will need sufficient evidence for the CPS to move it forward but their default will be to believe you as the victim.

Strawberrydelight78 · Yesterday 13:13

I’ve done one for CSA as an adult. You don’t even notice the camera they’re very discreet which helps put you at ease.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Yesterday 13:15

You are brave and amazing and I am sending you all good wishes.

Motnight · Yesterday 13:18

Sending you my very best wishes, Op. You are believed.

GingerCatBells · Yesterday 13:18

Kittysbigpinkbow · Yesterday 12:07

I would actually advise against this.

I would take a female friend if you can.

I had a similar situation where I wanted to support someone close/family but couldn't because of conflict of interest within an investigation. She took a friend and years later said that it was right because there were things that she just wouldn't have been able to say in fron of me and I think maybe that would be the case with many people and their partners. At least so soon after it happening.

Good point

IJustMight · Yesterday 13:25

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Lucyccfc68 · Yesterday 13:26

I have done a video interview as an adult for CSA.

You won’t notice the camera after the first few minutes, as you will be concentrating on the questions. You will be well looked after and they will start with gentle questions. It will feel intrusive, as they need as much details from you as possible.

Mine too well over 2.5 hours and I was absolutely shattered at the end of it. I took a couple of days of work after, so I could just relax a bit.

You won’t be allowed to have anyone sat in on the interview with you, so no one else will hear what you have to say. It would be a good idea to get someone to come and collect you after and drive you home, if possible. I was a bit shell-shocked after and so tired - I definitely would not have wanted to drive home.

Good luck with it - you are so, so brave. xxx

Clarinet1 · Yesterday 13:27

i am so sorry you have been through this but, as others have said, you are so brave to have done the forensics and to be doing the interview. Just keep
telling yiouraelf “I’m going to make that bastard pay and stop him ever doing this to anyone else”. Good luck - we’re all rooting for you. Come back and let us know how it went and how you feel afterwards if you feel able to.
Handhold and unmumsnetty hugs X.

Riseandfall30 · Yesterday 13:32

Been through this myself and I want to be brutally honest because I don't believe in sugar coating anything. In highsight I wish I had known how things most likely get played out. I was naive at best.

Sorry, this post is lengthly, but I feel it's important so you have the knowledge to make informed decisions.

So, the good news is the interview itself is absolutely fine. You are in a 'safe house' where you can sit comfortably and you can give your version of events. They may ask you some prompts if they feel they need to know anything else, or if they want you to expand on anything. Everything is recorded and you can take breaks if and when needed. It is all relaxed and nothing to worry about. I did feel believed.

Now, the bit which I feel you do need to know (this may be specific to my case, but it is a headups for what may come next).

If your case goes to the CPS, and their action plan is a follow up interview, this will not be pleasant. For me, this was a nasty, calculated cross- examination. The CPS had asked the police to scrutinise my evidence and I broke down as I felt like I was the one on trial. It was the most horrifying, victim- blaming situation I have ever been in. I have needed more therapy for that than the actual rape itself. If you are ever called back for a second interview, please please think carefully and prepare yourself for what they will ask. It will retruamtise you all over again, and I can't let that happen to another woman. Please take your ISVA or someone with you if you want to go ahead. I had nobody as the police failed to tell me. They lied throughout. I walked into the safe house believing I was just having another interview, and that's when they dropped the bomb on me. I felt trapped, but against my better judgement I went ahead with it. It is a decision I bitterly regret.

The KC then decided it was 'my word against his' and NFA my case anyway. They put me through absolute hell to only go and drop my case. And I'm so sorry to tell you that this is the liklihood of yours too.. Unless you have a solid confession, or have significantly strong evidence, they will not charge. I thought I had very strong evidence, so was flawed when they dropped my case.

However, I'm not saying that what you are doing is not the right thing. We must always come forward and report. After I reported, another person came forward a year later. As I'm typing this to you now, he is facing another charging decision for abuse against a minor(s) I believe. Horrible cunt.

The most important thing is, you need to take care of yourself and be kind during this difficult time. Fall back on your friends and family. Get a good ISVA straight away and if you want to talk privately, you can always PM me. X

Switchnow · Yesterday 13:34

NotSureICanDoIt · Yesterday 11:42

Something awful happened at the weekend, a ‘friend’ raped me, and tonight I have to go and do a video interview. I’m just not sure that I can go through with it. Even thinking about it makes me shake. I’ve done the forensics bit at the weekend, this is just the interview instead of making a statement.

Not sure what I’m posting for really. Has anyone else done one of these before? What if they don’t believe me?

So sorry you’re having to go through this, and I’m sorry that you haven’t received more support and information about the process. If you have a police contact and can bring yourself to call, you could try asking for more information. There should be specially trained staff and they should be able to advise on what other support is available. I don’t know the process well enough so it may be that those things kick in after you’ve done this interview part.

Try to remember they’re not there to believe or not believe you, they are there to collect all the evidence. You know what happened and so you’re the best source of that evidence.

Do you have a friend or someone who can go with you or meet you afterwards?

TurkishShepherd · Yesterday 13:35

You've already been so brave OP, the decision is yours whether you take this final step.

I can only speak for myself, but I'd imagine if you can channel your anger into getting through this one last piece of giving evidence, you may find relief that it's done and never has to be considered again.

Either way, we are all behind you & sending strength x

Francestein · Yesterday 13:39

I’ve been there. I believe you. I wish I had been brave enough to report my rapist so I am proud of you too.

NotSureICanDoIt · Yesterday 13:43

Thank you so much everyone, I am reading all of the messages and I’m so, so grateful for the support. You’re all giving me courage.

OP posts:
Fast800goingforit · Yesterday 13:46

Wishing you strength for this OP.

Italiangreyhound · Yesterday 13:50

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Stay strong. Xxxx Get some support if you can.

Goot · Yesterday 13:50

I’ve sat on a jury and viewed one of these videos made by police and a victim. In this case, the interviewer was just literally asking the woman to describe what happened, so the woman was doing most of the talking. The entire video was played in court (cut for breaks). I would advise you to simply be yourself and describe what happened.

Goot · Yesterday 13:51

The kind of police officers that conduct these interviews do not disbelieve you.

Overwhelmedandtired · Yesterday 13:52

Wishing you all the strength to manage tonight. Do everything you can to get that scumbag punished so he can't do it again. You have this.

Wormam · Yesterday 13:55

So sorry you have to go through this op, sending you lots of strength, you can do this.

Cakeandcardio · Yesterday 13:57

You are very brave x

Screamingabdabz · Yesterday 13:57

🙏🏻💐

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