DS has been suspended from work

[APandafromRwanda]

DS is 19 and has been in a retail job (a big chain) for about 8 months. He left college and didn't want to go to University so found himself a job in this shop

He called me yesterday asking if I could pick him up early (a few hours before his shift was due to finish). When he got in the car he then proceeded to tell me he's been suspended by management

The incident was that he was talking with two other members of staff. There was some banter about a third colleague (I will refer to them as Tom) who wasn't present. Ds then implied (he says he did not explicitly say this, or use the "p" word at any point) that Tom had indecent images on his phone. It was a joke

One of the present colleagues then went to management and reported him. The other colleague who was there has backed the first one up and given a statement saying the same thing. That Ds called Tom a "P doe file".

If he gets sacked (very likely at the moment) is he going to have to tell his next employer about why he was sacked or will it be mentioned on a reference?

So would I.
.............

Op, young lads bandy words like that around as casual insults all the time.

I probably know my kids better than you do and they know they could be done for slander saying something like that. My 20 year old works with children she's not likely to joke about something so disgusting but obviously I'm wrong and all teenagers would joke about this.
I'm embarrassed for you that your children act like that and you think it's funny.

I honestly hope he’s sacked before has a chance to resign. I’m sorry for Tom being the butt of such a vile, disgusting ‘joke.’

Tom wasn't there. Readd the OP.

I know everyone is saying it's not banter which I agree with but this is also in a shop so could be overheard by a customer.

My client vehemently refutes these allegations. He did in fact ask Tom what he uses to view PDF files on his phone

Seriously?... First job. 8 months. I reckon he just tells the next employer it'll be his first job since leaving school. Alternatively, apply for a job on a building site and tell the story in the interview, he'll enter as site supervisor

Im embarrassed for you if you think all 19-20 year olds think and speak like this.

And if they do speak like this with their friends they must know not to do it in front of their parents so surely they know not to do it at work?

You can't nake jokes like that these days your son is well on the way to making himself unemployable- you need to give him a serious talk.

its not normal, I work with people this age and know how they react - they are not my kids so can behave how they like in front of me - Im not their boss either but their peer at work. Some teens might have worked out its not pleasant to talk in this way when having banter

It is indeed well within the normal range of banter in a lot of groups of young adults trying to be edgy. That's just a fact.

It's not ok at work, obviously, and he's now learned that lesson. You definitely did and said things you would never do and say now when you were a teenager, it doesn't matter if you did or said something like this or not. We grow up and we learn. He's learned a lesson. Time for everyone to stop pretending to be super shocked by a grotty little offhand comment made in jest, and just move on.

I work in retail and MN would have a heart attack if they heard the things that were said in banter in my workplace. The boys are the worst and can be brutal with each other so I genuinely believe that OP’s son said it as a joke. I do think a lot of parents would be shocked at how their kids behave when they are not with them, after working with this age group for a long time I’d never say my kids wouldn’t act in a certain way because you don’t get the true version of them at home.

Hard lesson learnt here. Hopefully, he will now realise that this sort of thing is serious and unacceptable.

Aw he sounds young and immature. I do hope that you haven’t enabled him by minimising it.

Not read full thread so apologies if this had already been said but depending on the employer, even if the worst happens, his reference may still be fine. For example, Sainsbury's only confirm role and dates of employment so no issue at all.

It's a very serious accusation and never a joke or banter.

It's an accusation that could destroy Tom's future career, his dating prospects, could lead to bad mental health outcomes, suicide, being battered by an angry mob....

I wouldn't be surprised if your son gets sacked.

And if he has a meeting with management and has the opportunity to, he should unreservedly apologise, state that he knows now that it was a stupid thing to say, and be clear that the behaviour won't be repeated. In other words grovel.
And then learn from this about what is acceptable in a workplace.

It's definitely not a subject to joke about. Actions have consequences.

You keep trying to use this argument that other have done this, this isn't about me. When I was a teen it was acceptable to call people all sorts of names, this has changed over the years thankfully and is now not acceptable (think east is east and the mini scene) I'm not shocked by the behaviour - its just sad that he doesn't realise after 19 years that its not acceptable in 2026

as I previously said its such a shame he fucked up

Nope, I don't keep trying to do anything at all, I just keep responding to people babbling on and on, forced to repeat the same facts over and over because you and others keep attempting to deny them.

So yeah, many young people absolutely definitively DO make these dark sick jokes, it's a fact. As you know, I was responding to Hyacinth Bucket and others pretending this doesn't still happen.

It does. Citation, the entirety of human history.

And nobody - nobody at all ever - knows what their 18 or 19 year old kids are saying or their friends are saying when they're not around, and some of us are bright and grounded enough to accept that reality.

So yeah, he's 19 and now he's learned it's not ok, just like you learned lots and lots of times growing up what was acceptable and what different boundaries were. And I very much he'll do it again.

I get it, you and others are full of fury that he made a stupid, dark joke that many others would have made.

I'm not. The end.

So that's that. Time to move on.

Mumsnet is full of hysterics who adore drama and who either do not have the tiniest, faintest clue about what happens in real life, or pretend otherwise. And many also enjoy a quick knife to the guts which they haven't got the courage to administer in real life.

Your son made a stupid, dark joke to try to be edgy. Many his age would have said something similar. You do live and learn and he's been well punished for it. Wishing you and him the best of luck.

Reap what you sow....

If you think that is normal banter because you hang around with similar aged people that do the same, that is a very individual "you and your ilk" problem, it certainly isn't universal. And if you think that sort of talk is "banter", and "not a big deal" you need to grow up.

Bit late to this. Seems like you were in a bad mood or drunk at 4:53am and just wanted to call someone and their children rough and common; which neither I, nor they, are.

This is exactly the kind of thing 19 year old's say and you're wrong and ignorant to state otherwise.

As an adult, had I overheard this, I certainly wouldn't have gone and grassed the lad up to the boss and potentially lost them their job. I would have been an adult and told them it wasn't appropriate at work myself. No need for it to go any further.

So, I think as you can see here, I am quite grown up. Perhaps you need to think situations through, be a realist and not be a dull and nasty tell tale. Grow up and stop making bitchy little replies on old threads just because you're in a bad mood in the early hours.

Grow up yourself and go and make up with whoever upset you early this morning.

He's been sacked (unsurprisingly) 🙄

Ds still has the attitude of he's done nothing wrong and that it wasn't his fault. He refused to resign before the disciplinary hearing, believing that it would be fine and he would keep his job.

I have since found out (from him) there were at least two other incidents at work where he was given a warning about his actions/conduct and attitude. He didn't previously tell me about either of these

At the moment he won't discuss his future plans or what's he going to do next.