DS has been suspended from work

[APandafromRwanda]

DS is 19 and has been in a retail job (a big chain) for about 8 months. He left college and didn't want to go to University so found himself a job in this shop

He called me yesterday asking if I could pick him up early (a few hours before his shift was due to finish). When he got in the car he then proceeded to tell me he's been suspended by management

The incident was that he was talking with two other members of staff. There was some banter about a third colleague (I will refer to them as Tom) who wasn't present. Ds then implied (he says he did not explicitly say this, or use the "p" word at any point) that Tom had indecent images on his phone. It was a joke

One of the present colleagues then went to management and reported him. The other colleague who was there has backed the first one up and given a statement saying the same thing. That Ds called Tom a "P doe file".

If he gets sacked (very likely at the moment) is he going to have to tell his next employer about why he was sacked or will it be mentioned on a reference?

OP, this is absolutely the normal kind of banter among 19 year old's

But it wasn't 'banter among 19 year olds'. The other young man wasn't there to defend himself or challenge the statement.

he could say he has taken a gap year and been travelling.

At interview:
'You took a gap year and went travelling? Where did you go?'

That's horribly snobby.

Good job some people can bring themselves to do it or all the shops would close!

No wonder the world is going to shit, if people think it’s snobby and wrong to tell your kids to aim higher.

Retail jobs will always be filled by students. Really not a worry - they won’t close down. It is not a career choice to make at 18 when you are young and capable and should explore options. It just isn’t. But look, if that’s what you want for your kids then you do that.

So the same question, what would you deem a suitable punishment for it?

Losing his job not enough?

He’s not the first nor will he be last 19 year old to make a poor joke.
Now he’ll have to learn the hard way, surely loss of employment is enough?

I work in HR and he is highly likely to be dismissed for this.....he would be at my workplace so I agree with PPs that he needs to resign first.

I know teenagers can be idiots but false accusations like that can start the rumour mill running and get someone attacked. He can be angry all he likes but until he learns his lesson from it and grows up he risks it happening again at his next employer.

He made a joke that's normal for his age group, trying to be edgy. I remember telling my mother an absolutely horrible joke about kids when I was about 15, trying to shock her, I remember her wincing and shaking her head.

Ignore the fuckwits trying to knife you.

You do live and learn, and unfortunately he's now learned the hard way that it's not something you can or should do at work. Good luck.

Many large companies only provide dates worked references for everyone as standard policy.

One of the groups of disruptive teenagers on our estate was winding up a dad in our park, so he reprimanded them and the boy called him that dreadful name. The teen then called the police (!) as he thought the dad had been harassing him..! Police said about pressing charges but the poor guy decided it was best to leave it.

I was horrified at just how easily it was used, and how dreadful the repercussions might have been.

I agree with others that it's no joking matter, and people need to use language carefully, even if it is supposedly in a joking way 😞

You sound nice.

Not snobby to consider all your options.

Snobby to say that all people who work in retail are letting themselves down!

I reckon it’s time for your DS to grow up. What 19 year old is getting a lift to work from mummy?

Yes agree. He just needs to learn that work is different to being at school.

I have a 20 year old and an 18 year old and it's absolutely not normal banter. No-one should be joking about things like that because it's not funny. What on earth was your son thinking?
As it's retail they will more than likely just give a reference with dates worked and job title. Before he resigns he needs to ask if they'd mention it on a future reference. If they are going to he might as well take his chances with the meeting. If they won't mention it he should resign.

I think this is a massive lesson in the difference between school boy life and adult life. This is probably silly banter among peers in secondary school but in the context of a work environment it becomes a serious accusation. I think they were right to suspend him and I'm sure he knows by now he was foolish. I think the lesson has been learned and he won't do it again. He is young and has a lot to learn and this has been a case of learning the hard way

I'm sorry this is happening to your son.. hopefully it'll all get sorted out

He’s a young man who said something really stupid. Maybe a catastrophic misjudgment in trying to impress new colleagues.

But wouldn’t it be better all if he had a warning and some words of advice, and apologised

I bet he will never do anything remotely like it again

And the colleague who heard it could have just pulled him up on it & set him straight rather than running to HR

This can be teen banter. I grew up when everyone was reading something called sickopedia. I had a male friend who uses to sit reading it in the common room. There were jokes about Michael Jackson, Jade Goody, the Holocaust and god knows what else. I now think it's vile, but, as a teen, you just don't think about the wider consequences of dark humour 🤷 Edgy, horrible humour, will always be a thing, especially amongst younger people, and it's not going anywhere.

He obviously needs to learn that people have different senses of humour, and that things like that are just not appropriate in the workplace. Whilst I personally think there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed, some people enjoy taboo humour, but there is a time and a place. Unfortunately he will now face a natural consequence and will learn he's no longer at school with his mates.

It's not about what I feel is a suitable punishment. If you read my post I did give ideas on how he could move on from this.

The fact is he is lucky he isn't being sued for defamation of character or slander. Being accused of being a creep could lead to very real consequences for the victim and they could pursue a civil case.

OOs son has been lucky to walk away with "just" the loss of his role and quite honestly, if I was him I'd jump before I was pushed.

Yep. It definitely is. You have no idea, none at all, how your kids behave when you're not there. And you have no idea how their friends behave when you're not there. I'm embarrassed for you that you think you know anything about the secret lives of 18 and 20 year olds tbh 😆

Lol. No. God some mumsnetters really adore being a member of the Stasi 😅

You, personally, have definitely. 100% definitely. Absolutely DEFINITELY. Said things that you personally now would consider slander. The world doesn't run on screeching hysteria every time someone says something offensive, and especially a teenager making a gross joke.

Get a grip.

I work in a very sack-happy place so thanks for sharing that. If that ever happens to me or a colleage, I now know to get in with the resignation asap :)
What would happen however with regard to references though? Surely a new employer would not be satisfied with a confirmation of work dates without a glowing reference??

Many places do basic references like confirmation of work dates and job title. They don’t do long references, it wouldn’t be seen as unusual. There are exceptions for certain employment eg education

Not that it matters but what sex were the work colleagues? I would assume they were female, unless they were male and didn’t like your son for some reason - perhaps bc he is immature and engages in this type of banter with and about them and they’ve had enough.

I would guess that the OP’s son is jealous of Tom in some way and wanted to undermine his reputation and standing among their colleagues, or he is different in some way and the son is singling him out as an easy target. Neither instances speak highly of his character and make him a bully as they were done behind Tom’s back so there was no back and forth. The only banter would have been between him and his colleagues, which it sounds like he misjudged. He assumed they were his friends, that they’d stay quiet and would side with him against this colleague and he let his guard down.

Ultimately it’s a life lesson of the distinction between school and the workplace - but it should also be hammered home that not only could he have severely impacted this other young mans mental health - social standing, job - Tom may have ended up taking his own life if the mud he was slinging at him had actually stuck.

I feel for your son - he has been a bit of a muppet and the colleague who dobbed him is a snake

but he can learn from this and move on

I am pleasantly surprised at the reactions on here. The world of work I entered - this talk wouldn’t even register. I’m glad the younger generation call it out.

I can see it wasn’t actually you I quoted but I asked a direct question to the poster who felt he should be ‘lucky’ as I was querying specifically what they thought would be suitable.

Come on now, sued for slander? Really?
It was a joke. A poor one and not one for the workplace.

Lad should resign and will hopefully learn a lesson.