DS has been suspended from work

[APandafromRwanda]

DS is 19 and has been in a retail job (a big chain) for about 8 months. He left college and didn't want to go to University so found himself a job in this shop

He called me yesterday asking if I could pick him up early (a few hours before his shift was due to finish). When he got in the car he then proceeded to tell me he's been suspended by management

The incident was that he was talking with two other members of staff. There was some banter about a third colleague (I will refer to them as Tom) who wasn't present. Ds then implied (he says he did not explicitly say this, or use the "p" word at any point) that Tom had indecent images on his phone. It was a joke

One of the present colleagues then went to management and reported him. The other colleague who was there has backed the first one up and given a statement saying the same thing. That Ds called Tom a "P doe file".

If he gets sacked (very likely at the moment) is he going to have to tell his next employer about why he was sacked or will it be mentioned on a reference?

That kind of banter is totally normal (though still uncivilised and nasty) in a school locker-room but is totally inappropriate in the workplace.

I agree with PP he should simply resign today. He can pretend that he resigned because he was planning to do some further study (perhaps he could even do some further study) and then there will be no blemish on his CV. Given that there hasn't been an investigation and he hasn't had a chance to defend himself, no reference could reasonably refer to this incident - until a proper investigation finds otherwise, it's all just hearsay which is why he's currently only suspended. Given that a proper investigation will probably find that his behaviour is sufficient misconduct to warrant sacking, resignation ASAP will be the best option.

Then I really hope he learns from this and behaves better in the workplace in future.

I'd say it's pretty good to actually have a job at all (or have had one!). Hope he can get another. University isn't for everyone and nor should it be.

Yes, he should resign and learn a hard lesson from this.

Stupid kids do stupid stuff like this all the time, it’s a hard lesson to learn. I did loads of stupid stuff as a teenager. Frontal cortex not fully developed. Yes he’s a fucking idiot that needs to learn.

OP, this is absolutely the normal kind of banter among 19 year old's and anyone who believes otherwise either doesn't have 19 yo's or isn't around them often.

I have heard the pedeo word thrown around as banter, a few years ago tr was the word gay, years ago it was the R word.
Its not on and its not right but young people do throw insults at each other. I work with teens and families and forever pulling them pup on theie language. They normally just tell me they are having a laugh. Whether what i say gets through to them or not I dont know.

OPs son has gone further than banter though by implying there are images. For some people that here thus there will always be a little bit if doubt in their mind about that person, even years from now.
At 19 your son is a man, he should know it is wrong to do this, especially in a work environment.
He needs to resign and have a fresh start and learn his lesson sharp.

Personally, it may not be the right thing to do but I wouldn't be looking for references from the place of employment and start again with getting a job.

you son did call him a p

try and get a reference

Well lesson learned for your son. I'm going to assume he's not a bad lad and just said something very very stupid not realizing the line between things you'd joke about with your mates in the pub and what you joke about at work, even if it is 'only' a retail job.

He should resign and then he can be honest on his CV that he left.

As long as he does this, any future employers looking for a reference will just contact head office that will have a reference that he quit on xx date, they won't pass on unproved disciplinary proceedings if he's quit before they concluded. If he wants a literal character reference he can include a colleague or supervisor he's friendly with. But if he's looking for another retail job they probably won't check even that.

The incident was that he was talking with two other members of staff. There was some banter about a third colleague (I will refer to them as Tom) who wasn't present. Ds then implied (he says he did not explicitly say this, or use the "p" word at any point) that Tom had indecent images on his phone. It was a joke
What made your son think there's anything remotely funny about implying that an innocent man is a child predator and criminal? You don't "joke" about things that are utterly reputation damaging.

Also, humour is not universal - before you crack any joke, you have to ensure that the people you're sharing your humour with actually "get" your sense of humour and find it funny. Jokes are only funny if you have the right audience for them.

The next employer could ask your son why it didn't work out at the last job - and if they want references, your son might be screwed. But other than that, your son could be fine for the next job. Please teach him to never ever bring pedophilia into his "jokes" again. But it doesn't sound like you think he did anything wrong. You too seem to think that there's been an overreaction because your son was "joking".

This.

Obviously it's an awful thing to say, but I also think it's possible as a teenager to say awful things without thinking through their context.

When I was at uni the THINGS the lads this age used to joke about. Humour of the very darkest, blackest variety. I'm not saying it's OK. But all of those lads grew up to be upstanding citizens who now would be pretty horrified at the things they thought were funny.

I don't imagine it was that deep as thinking he was implying someone was a criminal. With many teenagers there is eff-all filter between brain and mouth and he was probably just saying something that popped into his head as sounding funny without thinking through the consequences.

Tell you what he'll have learned his lesson forever now and will do better in future.

Either that or he'll never find future employment and spend the next 10 years in his bedroom getting radicalized on incel forums online, eventually ending up as an angry and bitter man?

Guess the OP will find out.

Not the type of banter my 18yo engages in, either.

But this wasn't banter, was it? Banter assumed some kind of exchange ideally between friends or people who know each other well, in this case he suggested that a colleague, not a friend, who was not there was a pedo.

I don't mind 'offensive' banter, but there is time and place for that. This certainly wasn't (which is apparent from the fact that he was reported by two other colleagues).

@APandafromRwanda you need to remind your son that a joke is funny, this is not. What a horrible lad you have at the moment. Maybe this is the lesson he needs to help him mature for the working world.

As far as your question. He should not mention this place of work at all as they’ll not give him a glowing reference. He’ll have to say he has no experience.

Of course it isn't "normal teenage banter". Most teens would understand that you can't make such serious allegations against people even in jest. And especially not in the workplace!!

His colleagues were right to report him and the company is right to act on the report. I agree that resigning before he is sacked might be the best course of action.

I think if he implied Tom was a bank robber he’d still have his job!

There’s criminal and then there’s bottom of the barrel criminal’s that no one wants to be referred as and can wreck their lives if they are.

He cannot be joking around about something like that! That kind of thing can get spread around and get someone beaten up, this happened at my school. He needs to behave professional at all times in work. Let him learn from this and behave better in future.

Ds then implied (he says he did not explicitly say this, or use the "p" word at any point) that Tom had indecent images on his phone. It was a joke

Not really a joking matter. The other two colleagues didn't think so either.
Maybe it's worse than he's admitting to you.

@WildGarlicSoup no, it is not normal nor is it banter. Trying to justify branding anyone as a paedophile is never acceptable. 'Well it's Mumsnet ' dismissing the concerns of most. Well done to whoever reported @APandafromRwanda son. His 'banter' was malicious. Hopefully he will learn a lesson and should read up on the impact a paedophile and being molested by one has on so many children. 19 and still cannot distinguish what is acceptable and what is not.

That’s disgusting they’re not to sort of jokes anyone should throw around.😡🤬

Lesson learned I guess.

He can't go around thinking it's normal or accepted banter.
How would you feel if the p word was used about your son? Most likely not great. Gossip like this can ruin peoples' lives.

This

Hopefully he’ll get the sack and be taught a valuable lesson to be very careful what he says as one sentence could spread completely false lies and ruin someone’s life.

He messed up very badly and you need to let him know how much he has let himself down. What he needs to do now is send an apology acknowledging the seriousness of what he did and saying that it will not happen again and he will accept whatever decision management takes on this, but would ask if he could resign rather than being sacked if that’s the likely outcome.

If there is a face to face meeting he needs to understand that he should not justify, rehash the situation or defend himself.The only course of action that will lead to a positive result is being abjectly sorry and saying that it will not happen again.

DS 20 got let go from his summer job for a ridiculous and stupid antic. I was so angry with him, but actually he realised the consequences of his actions by himself and knew he had messed up. Sometimes a life lesson happens for a purpose, you can’t rewind time but what matters is to learn from it.

Exactly.

I agree it's normal banter in certain friend groups. But these are not friends- they are collegues. @APandafromRwanda Your dc needs to make the distinction between these.

When I was young Tom would have pulled OPs son up infront of the others and made him apologise. But I guess that's why HR departments have grown so much.

That should not be banter in any work place ffs.