Husband's bad mood on holiday has made the whole trip miserable

[TheLizardQueen]

Holiday ruined 😡 Arrived in the Lake District on Friday. All going well until yesterday we went to explore. DH moaned and rolled his eyes all day making it not a nice experience. Same again today when we went out. Moaned at DD because there were shops she wanted to visit. Said he was going to wait in the car for us. Didn’t come into any shops and instead waited outside in a mood. Went for dinner as a treat. He said his meal was horrible (ours was great) complained about the table next to us talking too loud. Complained all the way home because DD sat in the front and played her music, which I don’t mind. DD can’t sit in the back due to windy roads and travel sickness. Then he told her she was making it all up because she wanted to sit in the front seat. I’m the driver btw, DH doesn’t drive. She was mad that he said she lies about having travel sickness. Then he told her to not talk to her for the rest of the holiday. She’s in her room alone. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Worst thing is we’re here with his parents (who I love) but his mum is taking his side in all this. Me and DD just want to go home. We’re walking on egg shells. I can’t even look at him, he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Seriously thinking about my future now 😞 Been together 23 years. DD is 19 and still (usually) loves coming on holiday with us. I’m so sad 😞

@TheLizardQueen love the name, first off.

Unconditional love for a parent doesn't always mean liking them, and nor should it have to. I know your heart hurts for your DD, and it sucks.

You will look back on this holiday as a turning point I think, but it's never as quick and simple as all that. I've seen friends go through similar and all I can say is once the months (for some, years) are done, they're happier than ever and so light.

I think his parents may unconsciously see the writing on the wall, so siding with him cos they know they're stuck with him when it all goes to crap. It's rough when it's your family and you know they're being a knob.

What is totally gorgeous is you have a lovely relationship with your DD - his loss. And it's sad he doesn't see what he's missing out on, but this stealthy control through negativity is so prevalent, isn't it.

There's a john mcgahern quote (I think the novel is among women) that has stuck with me for decades - 'a tyranny of weakness'

I'm sorry he wasted your energies like this, but it will get better because you'll always be you, and your resilience and resourcefulness remains!

OP please do not believe this misogynistic bullshit. It’s not your fault he’s miserable and can’t contribute or be a useful man.

Haven't read the updates yet but hope you've taken this advice!

I agree

What was the motivation behind changing the type of holiday this year after never having had this type of holiday before?

This kind of reminds me of a woman I worked with years ago, she was lovely but her partner was very lazy and unmotivated. He was not ambitious and had quite a low paid job and when he got the sack he refused to look for new jobs because he didn't like having to be around total strangers!! Me and her were contracted workers on the railways at that time, I managed to get permanent work there, she was laid off but I managed to get her an interview for a role and she was enthusiastic but when tine came, she never turned up or contacted anyone! It was embarrassing and she eventually made an excuse that she fell and hurt her knee coming to the interview but reading between the lines, I think she had bailiffs on the doorstep because he just wasn't getting a job and helping pay bills.

Don't stay with somebody who is going to drag you down forever with their lack of motivation to do anything! What would he do to keep the household going if for any reason you lost your income?

You were working your arse off working two jobs and his solution to that was for HIM to go part time and work less?!

None of this makes sense-he sounds so awful. Did you ring fence your deposit?

I know, the poor poor man. We must mollycoddle and baby the fully grown man.

He'd be best going home to mummy and she can look after him and pat his head and say there there, it's hard being an adult man.

What a puerile way to act - is he a grown man or a man child?!! I'd kick him to the kerb tbh it's no way for the Father in a family to behave!

Men are just like this on holiday, it’s coming out of their normal routine of working then sitting on the couch doing fuck all. They’re actually having to participate and be a normal person doing activities with their family.
Just don’t take him again, go on holiday with your daughter and tell him to do one.
I did this with my partner who was a complainer on holiday so I booked a week in Center Parcs with my little girl and didn’t invite him or his daughter (she gets plenty holidays with her mam so didn’t really affect her) and he has sharp changed his tune. It was always me booking and sorting the holidays so I think it gave him a good kick up the arse he needed.
We’ve just had a lovely few days together all of us where he never once dared complain.

But he does nothing. He works part time. He doesn’t do any chores. He sits on the sofa.

All of these things are HIS CHOICE.

in tye meant time OP is working her arse off.

Cant believe someone is defending this overgrown baby.

The Op has been putting up with it for years so really… it’s the OP who’s been doing the “defending”… day in day out

I’d be telling him to fuck off when I go home, if he won’t leave, make sure you do nothing for him and make his life as miserable as he makes yours, I’m so sorry, it’s a shit life living with a miserable arsehole who brings nothing to the relationship, I really hope you can get your happy life back again ❤️

I am the same age as you OP.

I think maybe there is a combination of factors here. Firstly, its is just so blatantly obvious now that you are out of your normal surroundings, to see what a complete misery this man is. It seems that nothing is right, nothing is good enough, as there is just zero effort from his side.

You have been holding this relationship together for many years by the sounds of it.

The second factor is I think, is our age. To be honest I have had it with anyone who doesn't pull their weight, and the thing is that all of these things are very much highlighted now. I am done parenting my now young adult children. I have brought them up to the best of my ability to be able to function as good adults in the world. That was my job. Which I have now done. But then to have another lazy arsed adult just there, and having to parent him too.... fuck that shit. It is not happening, and now is my time.

I am divorced and very much single, and am not contemplating going into any other relationship..... because I am not putting myself into a position of having to parent another adult man.

I always think that writing things out really helps to see what you have just been pushing under the rug. It is just the same day in and day out, so that lazyness of his didn't just happen one day. It is a bit like the boiled frog situation where it is now just too much, you have realized that this is it for life if nothing changes, plus also the fact that your daughter is about to head out into her own life soon.

So this holiday was probably a good thing. As it makes things clearer for you moving forward.

Ah, OP. Time for some big changes, I think. You've (unknowingly) allowed this man to call the shots for too long. It's like a toddler testing boundaries to the point where he needs to be put on a chair and given a time out.

You've said in your posts a little flat would be so much nicer than your current setup. What's stopping you? Get your current home valued, make some plans. This time next year? The next holiday for you and your DD?

Or marriage counselling. You want changes, your DH is probably happy in his misery / small life. Use your voice. This isn't working for you. Current situation will continue unless you speak up.

I agree you should leave the marriage. Can I just mention though that if you do decide this path, do not ask your daughter what she thinks about it. I know a set up similar to yours where the poor downtrodden mum asked her young adult kids what they thought about her leaving her shitty husband. They dithered and were not encouraging because they were torn, didn't want to be disloyal to dad, didn't want it to on their heads if the mum regretted her choice down the line. Needless to say she stayed with the prick, wasting the last 15 good health years of her life. Fwiw the adult kids, now in their 50s feel guilty and regret that their mum stayed with him. But it wasn't their decision to make and she was grossly unfair to ask. If you do find your courage and leave this dreadful situation, just present it to your DD as a done deal.

@Highlighta do you really like you’re I am done parenting my now young adult children.?

how old are they? Mine are mid teens and I always feel like (and hope) that I’ll be parenting them to some degree

They are 23 and 25 now.

We are very close and of course I will always be their parent. Perhaps I should have worded that as I have accomplished my job of parenting my children to adulthood. In the aspect that I have parented them to be well functioning adults.

OP still seems to be doing all the difficult 'parenting' work for her husband. Financially supporting him. Transporting him. Cleaning up after him. Cooking for him. Etc. My adult children do not expect this of me. Of course if they need help I will be the first port of call, but there is no longer any expectation that I am only one that does these things.

No one is making her do all this? Not like she is in any shape or form financially dependent on him or dependent on him for transport. Yet she is actively choosing, of her own free will, to behave like a martyr to him day in and day out, despite having no respect or even remotely liking him.

why?

I don't go on holiday with DH, I just go with the kids. He never liked holidays and we're all happier now. He's autistic and likes his routine and his things. I would just go on holiday with your DD.

Drop him off at his parents and take his belongings with him
What a horrible man , stop putting up with this , its such a drain and your poor daughter having to deal with it.

Because it is just how it has always been most likely?

And probably included walking on eggshells, keeping the peace, pushing things under the rug rather than deal with it and upset the applecart.

The main thing is that OP can see it now.

What you are blind to, you cannot deal with.

LTB
I've been on Mumsnet for a long time and I can count on one hand how many times I've said that, so I don't say it lightly! He's a child in an adult body and that has fully come to the fore with his parents being on holiday with you. If you want to try and save your marriage, counselling but I suspect you're beyond that. Otherwise, find a kick ass solicitor that specialises in divorce and sit down with them to find out where you stand with everything given you're the main breadwinner, the house deposit was from the sales of your flat and you pay for and do everything. Don't ask your DD, she's going to be torn, just explain that you can no longer live like this and that it is how it is.
I can guarantee he's going to tell everyone he doesn't understand why you're divorcing him and it just came out of nowhere..... None so blind as those that will not see. Those that matter will understand your decision, those that don't, don't matter.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this 💐

Jesus Christ when you get him home you need to lay down the law. He goes back to work full time or starts pulling his weight severely.

As you have clearly paid more into the marriage get some legal advice, then let him know what little he would be entitled to if you split up. He needs to shape up or ship out.
A good injection of testosterone from the doctors could help with his lazyitis, he’s clearly lacking in it and it’s massively affecting his motivation to live life.
Personally I couldn’t spend my life driving another man around and keeping him, it’s pretty much what you’re doing tbh. You deserve so much better.

Are you the DH ?