We’re looking at different kitchen lighting ideas and I’m curious what people would change if they were planning their kitchen again.

Would you prioritise good lighting over the worktops, softer lighting for evenings, or separate switches so you can use different combinations? Are there any choices you made that turned out to be less useful than expected?

I’d love to hear what has worked well in real kitchens, especially anything you wish you’d planned from the start.

My partner’s 15-year-old daughter moved in with us during the week after spending around two years out of mainstream education while living with her mum.
She now attends school locally and lives with us Monday to Friday, returning to her mum at weekends and during school holidays. We also have a young child together.

Recently, a dental appointment revealed longstanding issues with her teeth that hadn’t been addressed, which has raised concerns about the care she’d previously received.

We’ve now been told her mum is moving from a two-bedroom house into a more expensive one-bedroom apartment, despite having a teenage daughter who still stays with her. To add to this, her mum now wants her to spend even more time with us.

We’re already providing the majority of her day-to-day care, schooling, meals and general support. Her mum still receives child benefit, and maintenance payments haven’t always been consistent.
I completely understand that circumstances change, but I can’t help feeling that her mum is gradually stepping back from her parental responsibilities while we’re expected to pick up more and more.
This isn’t about not wanting my stepdaughter here. It’s about questioning whether it’s reasonable for one parent to keep reducing their involvement.

As a mother I cannot fathom not doing anything and everything I possibly can for my child. I would go through fire and back if it meant supporting and protecting them.

I'd like to get rid of our bath and install a shower cubicle which would free up some much needed storage space in our small family bathroom.

No one in our household has had a bath in years and I feel a shower cubicle would work better for us (me and two adult DC).

The master bedroom already has a small en-suite shower room which DH uses.

But I'm concerned no bath could put people off buying when we sell up in a few years time (5+ years).

Would you be happy buying a house with no bath?

DH and I have been together for 20 years. I have never liked his mother. For good reason - she said racist things to me early on in our relationship (I am not white and he is) and also made snide comments about me being northern and that being undesirable. And also a never ending slew of passive aggressive comments.

Anyway since our children were born, and after DH told her to stop, she stopped making these comments.

But I can’t make myself like her. She managed to manipulate DH (us) to moving near her and I have never liked it in this area. But it’s been four years now and I’m resigning myself to it.

DH lost his job in June and he asked his mother for help. She is incredibly wealthy and did help him. Now it’s like she owns us, she comes in whenever she likes. I just… don’t like her.

I want to get over it. How do I get over it? We do need her help until DH gets another job because my salary isn’t enough to cover all our life expenses. And I really appreciate that she isn’t making us feel bad about the help she’s giving.

She has been away for a month and is back and already popped over unannounced. Just walks in and talks at us for a couple of hours.

How do I get over this? She’s my husband’s mother, I have a son, I don’t want to be a cliche and she is helping us financially. I hate being beholden to someone I don’t like, but I don’t have any choice here.

i know I’m the unreasonable one. I just don’t quite know how to stop disliking her.

I don’t show it, by the way. I am always very nice. Despite how awful she was to me for YEARS.

We’ve made the big decision to relocate up to the highlands. We’re specifically looking at Nairn but open to other areas as long as we are in a main town/ big village. We currently live outside Milton Keynes. Our current house is semi rural and we live between 2 villages but with good links to towns with great shopping, kids clubs etc. We can’t walk anywhere and even have to drive to access public transport. On average we have to drive 20-25 minutes to get to clubs etc. I’m realistic with the challenges of the move and wrote a ridiculously long post with all the fears that I won’t subject anyone too 😂

I was really excited but have read a few threads of people saying don’t do it and I’ve panicked. My biggest concerns are jobs and the kids happiness and wellbeing (and a little bit Nairn traffic).

If we move we’ll be mortgage free and debt free, we’ll have savings for the future and hopefully be able to give our children a helping hand. My in laws who we already share a house/annexe with are coming and we are looking at similar house set ups so we have help with the girls and were able to help them as they get older. My MIL is Scottish and is ready to go ‘home’. The girls are 8 and nearly 5. My oldest is in Year 4 but would go down a year group in the Scottish system and be in P4 which I thought would help her with settling as she can concentrate on making friends without getting behind. On paper it seems like the perfect move and my heart is already there.

My family live fairly close to Luton Airport so it feels we can easily access them even if it does require planning.

I think I’m just hit with the fear of what if we’re making a huge mistake! I have a career I adore down here. I’m a play therapist with a MSc in child and adolescent mental health and I’m worried I won’t find a job in my field. I commute some days currently so travelling round for work isn’t an issue. I’m also happy to do anything for work when we initially move but I would like to keep my career long term. My husband is a sports coach and again he wants a career long term not just a job.

A few years ago my children got really poorly and my priorities changed and my biggest focus now is our health and quality time together. We love the outdoors and the kids are really active! Someone reassure me that the fear is normal and I’m not ruining our lives!

My friend is coming to visit and to stay with me Saturday - Wednesday. We have mutual friends in the area who we will also meet up with together. I go to church on Sunday mornings and it’s important to me so I’d still like to go whenever my friend is staying. AIBU? I don’t know if she’d like to come with me (she’d be welcome to) but she doesn’t have to and I’d be quite happy for her to relax at my house or for her to get the bus somewhere to do her own thing for the morning. It will only be for a couple of hours and then I’ll be home. Would it be ok for me still to go when she’s visiting?

Hello!

Relocating to Ringmer village this December and looking for well regarded childminders, if anyone has recommendations they would be really welcome! Looking for Mon-Fri availability.

Thank you 🙏

Exactly that. Married 25 years. Had a huge arguement tonight as he moaned about lights being left on and it escalated. I said in anger that he can not expect a birthday celebration tomorrow. He said fine.
I’m now not sure what to do?

I'm looking for a corduroy dress, probably button through, preferably elbow length sleeves, just above knee length. It needs to be a petite fit ideally- I'm 5ft 1 and size 16. I've tried a couple from Next - a green one from m&co- sleeves too tight and restrictive and a beautiful dark red one from love and roses - too a line for me. Any ideas anyone please? Any suggestions of an alternative would be welcome. Just needs to be warmish and suitable for a nice pub lunch. Can anyone help please?

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

I'm writing this in a bit of a confused state, so bear with me haha. This post is for Some advice and vent

I'm 35F and my husband is also 35. I know this is a mostly UK-based forum, although we're actually living in Paris. We have two kids, a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl, and we both work. My husband works for a big US-based multinational company (can't really name it), and I own my own business. We're doing well financially, so that's not really an issue.

He's a good husband and father, and we're very much in love. We also have a good sex life, and I genuinely find him attractive. He's never really given me a reason to doubt him, which is probably why I'm struggling to understand why I feel this way.

I'm slim and in good shape, even after two pregnancies, although obviously that hasn't been easy. I run my own business, which takes up a lot of my time, and then there's the kids and everything that comes with being a mum. I manage it all pretty well, or at least I think I do. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here haha, but I think part of me sometimes wonders whether I'm enough for him.

Anyway, there's a woman at his workplace who's 29, single, works in management and also models. She comes from a wealthy family as well. My husband is senior to her in the company hierarchy, but they've been working together for around two years now.

I've met her three or four times, and she's always been perfectly nice to me, so I can't exactly say she's done anything openly inappropriate. My issue is that they're quite close. They work together every day, so obviously they need to communicate, and I understand that. But sometimes they go to dinner after work, travel together for work events, and she invites us to her brother's wedding or events at her home.

Another thing I've noticed is that whenever she's around me and the kids, she seems to take on this almost maternal role with my children. I don't know if that's just her being friendly, but it sometimes feels a little strange to me.

I've also seen photos of them standing quite close together, with his hands around her waist or them looking particularly comfortable with each other. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it does make me wonder.

The thing that really got me thinking was when I looked at their chats. There were some random deleted messages, with normal, non cheating conversations before and after them. I didn't see anything that directly suggested cheating, but the deleted messages have been playing on my mind.

I honestly don't know what to make of their relationship. Maybe they're just close colleagues and friends, and I'm making something out of nothing. But even if nothing physical or romantic has happened, sometimes their closeness makes me feel like I'm competing with her.

And I hate that feeling.

She's younger, unmarried, has a successful career and models on the side. Meanwhile, I'm a mother of two, running a business and trying to balance everything. I know I'm doing well for myself, and I actually earn more than my husband, so this isn't about needing him financially or feeling dependent on him. I also have male and female clients through my work, and I get attention from men sometimes. But I know where my boundaries are, and I never turn that attention into something more.

That's partly why this bothers me. I don't think having friends of the opposite sex is wrong, and I'm not asking my husband to stop working with women. But sometimes I feel like whatever he has with this woman goes beyond an ordinary professional relationship, even though I can't point to anything concrete and say, 'This is definitely wrong.'

The frustrating part is that my husband gives me attention, makes me feel loved, and has never really made me feel neglected. I'm not someone who constantly needs reassurance, and I'm not a people pleaser in our relationship either.

Yet somehow, I still find myself comparing myself to her.

I love my husband, I'm attracted to him, and I don't want anybody else. I could easily entertain attention from other men if I wanted to, but I don't. I want my husband, and I want to feel secure in my marriage.

I don't want to start unnecessary arguments or become the stereotypical insecure wife who sees every woman as a threat. At the same time, I don't want to ignore something that's genuinely inappropriate just because I'm afraid of looking insecure.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out whether this is my own insecurity getting the better of me, or whether their level of closeness would make other people uncomfortable too.

Please can someone advise? My hair has become steadily more tangled and matted to the extent that after I washed it tonight, I can't get my fingers through it at all. I'm just pulling loads out trying to brush it and now I'm panicking a bit.

I suspected it might be a hard water build up so bought some clarifying shampoo and did a cider vinegar rinse, then used my usual redken shampoo and conditioner. I also bought a filter head for the shower. If anything, it's even worse and even more matted.

The water company where I live has recently advised that the water will be even harder due to the minerals at source. My hair is fine, highlighted and dry anyway and has become wavy and frizzy as I've got older, although it appears straight when dry. It won't hold waves or curls, its too fine and flyaway.

Please, has anyone had this and found a solution? I've got some much broken hair from trying to brush it out and the texture is horrible. My hairdresser is no help, unfortunately.

This is intended as a friendly, kind, safe, warm and fuzzy place for people to share discounts, bargains and Christmas gift ideas both online and IRL. Please note the tone and intention of the thread and join with spirit as generous as DC helping themselves to the Christmas chocolate celebrations 😊 .

Here’s some useful information about how to save the thread or a specific post so you don’t need to have a message to check in for every thread so you have the thread saved:

To watch the thread - click on the little bell that has ‘watch’ under my first message. This adds the whole thread to your ‘watched threads’

You can also bookmark a specific post by clicking on the ‘bookmark’ under the specific post. This saves your exact place in a thread but doesn’t alert you to new replies.

If you have any referral links or codes, please share them on the referral thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5577375-bargain-referrals-thread

A reminder that we don't use affiliated links on here please

If there’s anything you think would be useful or good to include in this post then please do tag or DM @reastie (the traditional thread starter!) and let them know.

Welcome to the 12th thread, we still have 50 days till the daily unboxing officially starts, although I very much doubt any of our calendars will remain untouched until then 😂
Still time for lots more friendly chat, tips and discount codes - to cut down on links as a poster requested, here's link to some very comprehensive run-downs of the calendars https://beauty-detective.com/category/beauty-advent-calendars/
When enjoying those breakdowns please remember that some are OOS already - Harrod's Fragrance, Harrod's Beauty and Selfridges Beauty to name a few.

It used to be so simple in 2000s, with lots of shell tops. I sort of have to wear a smart jacket - it’s very cold with aircon. Vests or camis are not appropriate if I need to take the jacket off. A sleeveless blouse or short sleeve jumper would be ideal. V neck, bow blouse with V neck, square or not too high round neck, I am not keen on collars or patterns or overly warm colours, my pallette is cool neutral, with blue and burgundy as accents. I literally cannot find anything at reasonable prices. Not keen on Vinted for this.

We've been together 15+ years, married with kids last 5, I thought we covered all the topics when it comes to values and principles - especially related to the way we raise our children but turns out he was full of it - to put it bluntly.
Essentially, with meeting new kids/parents through nursery/school - I now realise he is very much leaning toward being,well, racist 😔
You would think - how did I not notice this before....well the thing is he was always respectful to friends or colleagues regardless the ethnicity - but now when we discuss behaviour that our child picks up from the nursery from another child - he attributes/explains behaviours with 'well ofcourse this happened considering he is x'.
Then slowly such vocabulary moved into every day conversations about e.g. neighbours - he'd say derogatory things about particular nation based on behaviour of a single person that affects us.
I am just so blindsided and can't stop thinking about how this will shape our children.
How could I have been so blind...or could he had just pretended all this time, and why??
Or can people change their views about something so basic so dramatically?
Recently he started making mean comments about LGBTQ community too - I mean we have friends that he loves or I thought so...
I am also thinking his mum's recent visit may have encouraged him to speak up - clearly these are the values he was brought up with.
I am also ashamed... I am looking at my DS atm sleeping - he is such a warm friendly loving and a smart boy and he is being exposed to comments like this. He loves all his little friends. He was talking proudly about friends he'd like to invite to his bday and his grandma actually asked him what colour is a certain child...she also described a 4 yo girl in the playground as fat.
I am sorry if this is a jumble of topics here - a husband showing true colours years later, a toxic mil, a clash in values, challenge with co-parenting, protecting a child from instilling wrong values...
So is it that I was blind all this time (YANBU) and I just never got to know him - or people actually can just change their core values so drastically (YABU).

IToday i’ve realised how much my ds actually posts on social media. I knew he had TikTok and Instagram but not to this extent. I thought he mostly watched videos and followed bands etc but he’s got about 1.5k followers on TikTok and 53k likes altogether. He’s mostly showing his outfits, lip syncing to music and talking about bands he likes. Some of them are quite niche and he gets really into them. There’s pictures of himself too and the odd video talking about how he’s feeling. I just didn’t realise how much he was putting out there.

He’s 14, autistic and has quite significant mental health issues. He’s had a difficult couple of years and barely goes to school now. Last year they were fairly lax about his dyed hair and piercings because he was in the hub for most of the day anyway, it’s a room for the autistic children away from the other pupils. He’s got quite a few piercings already and is constantly begging me for more. The school have now changed their stance and said if they allow it for him they’d have to allow it for everyone, so he’s stopped attending altogether. It’s all got very difficult tbh.

He dresses emo/scene and it’s very much his thing. I’m not against how he looks and he’s openly bisexual on TikTok which isn’t an issue in our house. He doesn’t really have any friends in real life which I do worry about, although he’d probably tell you he doesn’t need any. Social media seems to be where he gets most of his interaction with people.

Some of the comments are a bit concerning. Some people take the piss out of him or call him weird and he’ll argue back for ages instead of just ignoring them. Then there are accounts that look like teenage girls flirting with him, calling him cute and tagging their friends under his pictures. One seems to comment on quite a lot of his stuff. I don’t know these girls or whether they’re actually who they say they are.

He does have an online friend who’s a girl and she’s 16. I’ve actually met her as they went to a small gig together and she seemed perfectly nice, also very scene and they have similar music tastes. So I know not every online friendship is dodgy and I’m not against him having friends online. They get on well and she seems to understand him. It’s the other accounts I don’t know what to make of.

I don’t want to ban everything just because I’m worried, as social media is one of the few places he seems confident and he does get a lot out of the music side of it. With him not really going to school or having friends outside the internet I worry taking it away would leave him even more isolated. But equally he’s not great at judging people’s intentions sometimes and can be very trusting if someone seems to like him. He gets defensive if I question anything and says I’m treating him like a little kid.

I just don’t know if I’m being too relaxed about the attention he’s getting, especially with his mental health being how it is. I knew he had social media, I just didn’t realise how public it all was or how many people were interacting with him.

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Do you agree?

Dd when she finished her bowl of pomegranate seeds on the sofa asked Dh to go and put it in the kitchen please. Each time this happens or she asks for a drink/snack, he says she should take it back herself etc. I tend to do it mostly for her, she's very independent, always has been, sorts her own school bag, homework, showers etc, but she's still only young and it's not too much that a parent brings her food and drinks, is it?!

Dh and I disagree a little on this

How much do you do for your 8 year old (or around that age)?

Genuinely shocked by this headline on MSN.com today (UK site).

The title is

"Muslim convert explains why UK is 'best' as she boasts 'everything is free'"

No one seems to blink an eye at this blatant Islamophobia anymore.

Substitute Muslim for any other minority and people would be shocked for example:

• "Jewish convert explains why UK is 'best' as she boasts 'everything is free'"
• "Black person explains why UK is 'best' as she boasts 'everything is free'"
• "Christian convert explains why UK is 'best' as she boasts 'everything is free'"

Muslim convert explains why UK is 'best' as she boasts 'everything is free'

Has anyone heard of this? My dh is having surgery soon and I just need to know the answer to something truthfully once and for all. As awful as it sounds I thought I could use this opportunity in the days after his operation to find out whether he actually has done something that he always said he wouldn't. I have no evidence just a couple of random bits of info which may or may not be connected. Its not that serious an operation but involves a general anaesthetic.

Has anyone else noticed this? I normally have major resting bitch face and have been told by various people I have a very serious and dont talk to me look.
Despite my attempts to ease my face and give off im friendly vibes most people dont come near me. ( I have honestly thought about a she's friendly badge to put on lol)

Over the past week things have changed. People now ask me questions and even try and have small talk ( today at bus stop) Just a general friendly vibe I get from people all over.

I have made one change
Can anyone guess what?

My other half has got a rotten cold and is right in the thick of the blocked-nose stage.!

I fell down a right rabbit hole reading up on it and found a study [ doi.org/10.1183/09031936.03.00047903 ] saying that nasal blockage can mess with breathing during sleep (causing things like apnoea and drops in oxygen). I know that study was about completely blocked noses, but my anxiety has kicked into overdrive worrying about his breathing tonight!!
To make matters worse, he asked me to pop to the shops for some decongestants earlier. It was just before closing and I could have made it if I'd sprinted out, but I messed about and missed it. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a terrible partner, terrified that his oxygen is going to drop or he'll stop breathing in his sleep!! 😥

He’s definitely going to be mouth-breathing tonight.. but his nose isn't 100% sealed shut.
I read somewhere that your nose has little built-in sensors that basically act like a reminder switch for your brain to keep breathing properly. Since he'll be breathing through his mouth, I’m stressing: does even a tiny trickle of air or a little breeze in the room keep those sensors happy even if he'll be breathing through his mouth so his brain doesn't 'forget' what it's doing?

At the airport. Passengers wearing thick coats. I’m sweating with a thin hoodie on.

Then young woman (mid 20s) in front of me in security wore boots up to the shin and we had to take our shoes off.

Thank goodness for Skechers slip ins

Anything else that baffles you about passengers at airports

I took the plastic wrap off a head of broccoli this evening and as I started to cut it up, I noticed a white fly in front of my face. I saw another one and I put the broccoli under the kitchen tap to rinse it off. Suddenly more and more tiny white flies started coming out! I couldn't see any on the broccoli but they just kept appearing!

The broccoli is outside now in a tin but I'm still thinking about it. I'm not usually a wimp about food and I've picked out a boiled slug before, discreetly hid it and carried on eating. But this is making me uncomfortable for some reason. There were so many and they just kept coming out.

So what should I do? Can I still cook and eat the broccoli (and tell my kids it's safe to eat)?

YANBU: Stop being sensitive, of course it'll be fine to eat.

YABU: Put it straight into the outside bin.