Deal with child’s stepmother and dad

[Navigatingstepparenting]

How do you deal with it.
she puts all over Facebook how wonderful she is, they are trying to bribe him to do one week at theirs and one at mine, but in the last 11 years of his life haven’t been interested except every other weekend. Like this weekend was their weekend to have him, they went away so palmed him off to his sister. So won’t seem him for a month effectively, they couldn’t do that is they do week on and week off. She makes all the decisions, tellls him if he’s allowed to let my child walk him alone from school etc. I cannot talk to him privately it has to be with her in a group chat. I pay for him to do a club, they now turn up to watch but don’t contribute, the instructor is on about telling them they can’t be there because of the way they are him to. Currently his school as he’s in year 6 have all my concerns about Their control and brining etc on file, do I set a meeting up when he starts secondary to discuss with the head teacher my concerns again. His dad told him doing his best is Currently failing him because he was 2 marks off passing mock tests. The kid is scared of not passing.
all of Facebook though this weekend when they were away they put up ‘FaceTime to check in on xxxc’ but they never normally check in on him. Everyrbinf is for this big Facebook show. And he’s really irritating me now. Like his residential they turned up to take a photo of him with his suitcase for Facebook and then didn’t wait for him to leave they just went. They have taken him on 1 holiday that his mother paid for in fbe last 11 years when I have worked out today they have been on 48 weekends/ weeks abroad’s away in that time. It’s awful.

Sorry I can’t work out what you’re saying. It’s too confusing

Are you the mother to a child shared with a dad married to another woman, aka the step mother? But who is the mother paying for things? What is the step mother doing?

this is really confusing. Perhaps simplify this to the core issue.

It seems OP is the mother, and dad and stepmother are showcasing their amazing parenting over facebook while not actually having a decent relationship with the child.

Do you want your child on social media OP? If not, perhaps have a word, via a lawyer. If it’s more the content of the posts, then who cares? Anyone who's aware of the situation knows the truth. And your child is at an age where they have a say which parent they want to spend time with.

I have no idea what this post is about.
Paragraphs would help, and being clear about who's who.

Sorry @Navigatingstepparenting I'm not having a dig: I genuinely can't understand your post.

OP has a DS 11 with exDP.

exDP now has a new partner who I shall call OW.

exDP currently has DS every other weekend. ExDP is now asking for alternate weeks, OP does not want this.

Then lots of stuff which is possibly awful and possibly just people being different.

• exDP and OW like to post on social media how great they are with DS while actually (according to OP) being pretty useless.
• exDP goes to a club of DS but doesn’t participate?
• they don’t often take DS on holiday.
• OW is controlling and inserting herself into conversations and decisions about DS.
• exDP is possibly discouraging about DS school difficulties.

My advice: let the social media stuff go and be the bigger person. Your son is old enough to choose how much time he spends where (mostly). The club can look after itself. Communicate with the school about how to support your son with his learning and yes you can ask his dad to help with that you can’t force him to.

It’s really hard to feel that you’re doing all the work and they’re trying to just jump in for the fun / easy bits, even worse when they’re actively undermining you, but honestly all you can do is give your son the best most loving home possible with you.

My instinct with secondary school is yes talk to them to let them know it’s a slightly complicated home situation. If there are genuine concerns of abuse or control then you can record those with school as they will impact DS but try to keep it brief, factual and calm when you have that conversation.

others with more experience will be along, I’m sure.

Ignore the social media stuff , don’t follow them, don’t look at it.

stand your ground on custody, reassure your dv the current set up is fine.

dont slate them to dc.

let secondary know if there’s concerns that may impact on safeguarding or your dcs mental health. Dont just moan about how crap your ex is.

reasure dc regarding exams etc. speak to ex if their comments are seriously impacting on your dc.

Inna few years you can forget all about them.

Yes, this. Although I'm not sure I saw what your son thinks about where he lives, so if your DS wants to try 50:50 and it's practical for school, I would support him with a trial period.

Sorry
I am the mother of the child.
the child lives with me and visits the dad and SM every other weekend.
I am struggling with them painting themselves out to be wonderful online when in fact they are not. They do it for the show but aren’t there when it counts.
he doesn’t want to do week on week off. He just hates how they try to bribe him. They won’t allow me to let him walk to school on his own, won’t allow me to give him a phone etc. it’s all their way or no way

It’s quite obvious what the original poster is saying. Stop being arseholes.

• They cannot dictate what happens during your access re giving him a phone or letting him walk home etc
• Block all their socials, no need to be looking at them
• You don't need to talk to your exes new woman in a group chat. Just text him directly, if he uses the group chat then just reply directly to him again. I say this as a SM... you don't need to discuss anything wity her
• Let him take you to court if he wants more access. He won't. Otherwise just ignore his requests. Tell him once "Changing the access schedule is not in DS best interest, nor does he wish for changes. I won't be discussing again"
• It doesn't matter how many weekends away they have, you shouldn't even know this, stop being so involved
• The club can sort themselves out, don't get involved
• For secondary school you just need to have a conversation to explain that DS primarily lives with you so you should be 1st point of contact etc.

Stop letting them live rent free in your head.

They won’t allow me to let him walk to school on his own, won’t allow me to give him a phone

But they cannot stop you, surely?
It's none of the SM's business anyway.
The only person who should have an opinion on this is your son's father.

So woman up and tell them! Da doesn’t want to do E O W so wont be

hell walk to school when he wants to

if he wants/needs a phone, he’ll get one.

stop allowing these people to call the shots

leave any group the SM is in, communicate with DS dad how you wish, ideally by email and only reply to things that are from ex, and directly related to DS.

get some boundaries and enforce them.

Ignore the tossers, your posts are easily understandable. Your son is 11 and so he can decide where he wants to live. Just stop sending him to his dad’s. Contact the police and get a restraining order so he can’t show up at school/clubs etc - you have all the evidence and the school’s been informed so it should he an easily enough process. I would suggest involving social services too because this is the type of situation where they really excel at sorting.

Leave any group eith your ex and the stepmum. Let him take you to court and then show the judge all your evidence & let your social worker advocate for your child. They’ll soon sort out supervised visits with just the dad.

Report any social media post where they post photos or mention his name.

They can only set their rules during their time.

Your son is around the age where a judge would allow him to choose how much contact he had with each parent.

Block their social media. If someone else is telling you what they are posting then ask them not to tell you. Your son knows the truth and that’s all that matters.

Just to add that I have been in the position of you where it felt like I was alone and up against a team - my son’s father and his new wife.

You need to firstly try and build up your own support network so you can speak to them when you need reassurance that you are not in the wrong. Mumsnet might do for now if you can ignore the toxicity.

Secondly, as long as you are doing what is best for your son and what he wants, that should help you justify your decisions.

If your son doesn’t want to go every other week, you don’t have to force him and if his dad isn’t happy with that, he can take it to court and let a judge decide.

His stepmum is not his mum and while it’s nice that she wants to get involved or whatever she’s doing, she can’t replace you and your son doesn’t seem to want to go there more.

Contact the police and get a restraining order?!? Is this the new LTB? I think the OP just needs to stand her ground and set boundaries.

Just stop sending him to his dad’s.
Don't do this... The child has said he doesn't want to go EXTRA. Not that he doesn't want the current situation.

Contact the police and get a restraining order so he can’t show up at school/clubs etc - you have all the evidence and the school’s been informed so it should he an easily enough process.
No idea what this is about. He's done nothing to warrant a restraining order (from what the OP has stated anyway). He can go clubs / school as he likes, he obviously has some access and custody rights. If the club have an issue with his behaviour, they can deal with it directly themselves. Schools are well used to split homes and again if they have issues they can deal with it themselves, just let the secondary know that you are primary residential parent @Navigatingstepparenting

I would suggest involving social services too because this is the type of situation where they really excel at sorting.
Again this is terrible advice. There is nothing untoward happening at all so no need to try to involve social services.