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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

1000 replies

Welshie2 · 12/05/2026 21:51

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

OP posts:
Bimblebombles · 12/05/2026 21:53

He’s embarrassed that’s all it is, and trying to flip it back on you.

what a dick.

mindutopia · 12/05/2026 21:56

He got caught. Of course, he’ll be angry. How grim for both of them. I’m sorry.

Catza · 12/05/2026 21:57

You were wrong to have done that. It is actually against the law to access personal devises without consent. However, that's besides the point now. I very much doubt he'd come clean of you'd "talked to him instead".

Whiteheadhouse · 12/05/2026 21:58

He's cheating scum.

Ipsevenenabibas · 12/05/2026 21:58

Eugh he is gross and I know you deserve better.

Salome61 · 12/05/2026 21:58

Sorry, he’s angry you caught him. I wonder what his reaction would be if it was reversed.

caffelattetogo · 12/05/2026 21:58

What an arse he is. This is all the script. Sorry this happened to you.

Rhaidimiddim · 12/05/2026 21:59

You are not in the wrong here. What you found out justifies your actions.

Don't let him turn this back on you. He gave you reason to doubt him, so you acted, and found out he is engaging in behaviour that could lose him his relationship with you, AND his job.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 12/05/2026 21:59

Bimblebombles · 12/05/2026 21:53

He’s embarrassed that’s all it is, and trying to flip it back on you.

what a dick.

This
pack his bags!

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 12/05/2026 21:59

He’s gaslighting you. He has cheated even if it’s emotionally using words and not physically. Would be the end of the marriage for me

GrandmasCat · 12/05/2026 21:59

You betrayed his trust??? Jesus, now he is the offended one???

Just a bit of advice, don’t call him, don’t fill the silence , let him come back to you and if he has enough rope… he will hang himself with it.

Betraying his trust??? As if he deserve to be trusted!

BeardySchnauzer · 12/05/2026 21:59

He stormed off because he doesn’t know what to say to get himself out of the shit show he’s created. I imagine he will come back with excuses or accusations you are the one in the wrong. Hold your ground.

TalulahJP · 12/05/2026 21:59

hes gaslighting. making out like youre the bad one. Mate youre looking at another woman’s bum and chatting her up get to fuck.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 12/05/2026 22:00

Guilty.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/05/2026 22:01

Who cares what the lying cheating scumbag thinks? Also - Why are you trying to call him?
Let the bastard stew for a while and stop chasing after him fgs!

MyArtfulGreySloth · 12/05/2026 22:01

You’ve betrayed HIS trust? He’s a disgusting pig.

reprobates10 · 12/05/2026 22:02

DARVO

He got caught, so he's flipping the victim status to himself. He's a piece of shit. He's trying to force you to apologise so then he can control the narrative and keep you submissive.

Please don't do it. This is who he is, leave him, he will not change.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 12/05/2026 22:02

Rhaidimiddim · 12/05/2026 21:59

You are not in the wrong here. What you found out justifies your actions.

Don't let him turn this back on you. He gave you reason to doubt him, so you acted, and found out he is engaging in behaviour that could lose him his relationship with you, AND his job.

This. Randomly checking someone’s phone because you’re controlling or paranoid is unacceptable. Checking once because you have suspicions and you know he wouldn’t have told you himself, 100% justified. He’s twisting it around onto you, DARVO in action. I’m so sorry he’s a sleaze.

I think he needs a short sharp shock, tell him you want space to think about what to do with this relationship. Even if you want to stay with this disrespectful maggot, he needs to feel the fear of losing you to understand how shitty this behaviour is, so take some space. If he’s gone, tell him to stay gone. If he comes home, you leave.

CCb85 · 12/05/2026 22:02

Im so sorry this has happened.

Yes you could have approached him, but i have a feeling he would have denied it or fobbed you off.
Ive been in a very hard situation where ive checked 'his phone' .... and im glad i did.

I hope you get answers!! Stay strong. X

nutbrownhare15 · 12/05/2026 22:02

Don't let him flip this so he acts like you're in the wrong and you accept it. Stop chasing him. He's a cheating scumbag.

MabelAnderson · 12/05/2026 22:03

Oh so it’s YOUR fault that he’s been messaging a colleague about her arse ? Nice twist from your husband there.
I trust my DH , in thirty years I have never looked at his phone, or emails, or read his post. But if I had a strong suspicion I would definitely look at his messages. It would be hard not to, if I had a very definite feeling. Your husband knows this and is trying to deflect his horrible behaviour onto you.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 12/05/2026 22:03

DARVO
He's hideous OP, I am sorry.

Welshie2 · 12/05/2026 22:05

Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/05/2026 22:01

Who cares what the lying cheating scumbag thinks? Also - Why are you trying to call him?
Let the bastard stew for a while and stop chasing after him fgs!

You are right, I don’t know why I called him. I am leaving it now

OP posts:
regista · 12/05/2026 22:05

What you did wasn’t right and you should apologise. However I personally wouldn’t feel that bad about it. I would say to him that you had a very strong feeling that something was up due to how secretive he was being with his phone. It turned out you had good reason. If you hadn’t looked at his phone he would never have told you. Where does it leave you both - you can’t trust each other. Which is worse in terms of trust - likely his behaviour, you wouldn’t have looked at his phone if he hadn’t been secretive with it which made you distrust him.

autumngirl714 · 12/05/2026 22:05

Like others have said, his behaviour is because of his actions and getting caught, not because you looked at his phone. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.
He’s in the wrong here!

Really hope you’re ok, this must be so upsetting for you!

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