Work meetings clashing with school pick-up are making me anxious

[LiquoriceAllsorts2]

I have received several meetings that clash with the time that I need to collect my kids. Where possible I have tried to make it work and have my husband collect but there is a couple that I can’t make work due to him being away. I will tell work I can’t make it and will need to leave early but I feel so anxious that it will reflect badly on me and hate that I have been put in this position.

feels that however hard I work, sometimes it just can’t be enough.

dont know what I am looking for really, just want to rant and get my frustrations out. I hate that this needs to be an issue.

It’s very hard OP. I find it very difficult and especially when colleagues evidently don’t have similar commitments, feel judged. Here are a few things that have helped:

1. Being very clear on my boundaries and cut off time - I state upfront that I have a hard stop. Especially considering the time you mention is 5, no reason to feel uncomfortable doing that

A note on this: I have had situations of colleagues deliberately putting in late meetings and my non-working hours (when i had flex arrangements) when i first returned from mat leave. The more boundaries I gave up and guilty I felt over missing things, the worse it got. I had to reframe quite a bit to feel confident in my delivery and boundaries and took ownership of meeting arrangements to make them work for me. There is no reason to feel guilty - though obviously some lines of work have heavier availability expectations.

2. Blocking out time if I need to move earlier for pick up. I’ll book out from 4.45 to 5.30 to avoid meetings dropping in if i need to leave office early. frankly if i didn’t book time as unavailable, i wouldn’t even be able to grab lunch or have toilet breaks… so i book in slots for these, as well as when i just need some desk time!
3. Showing when I catch up - with my immediate team I’m clear that I will send out of hours notes because that’s how I manage my time, with no expectation that these will be responded to out of hours. I also schedule email to go early in the morning rather than late at night when I’m catching up after kids bedtime
4. Especially when I’m aware of more junior colleagues around, being honest! Depending on levels of seniority I think it’s worth setting a good example and I find the more I do this, the more normalized it becomes

I hope you have great managers and other working mum friends that support you. If not.. it’s harder but see if you have the environment and backing to set the tone

I just want to say I totally understand, I spent years in a very similar situation where I was constantly having to push back on meetings at 5.30 while people rolled their eyes, even though I was starting way earlier than them *which of course they didn't see). So stressful. I eventually found a company with flexible working and genuine recognition that kids exist with no judgment. Had to take a bit of a pay-cut, though.

Because maybe those other people aren't available at those times, sometimes it is a case of best endeavors. I'm a PA and the bane of my life are non working days and school runs, essentially meaning that I have limited times I can set a meeting up.
Trying to avoid NWD and school runs leaves me with Tue-Thu 0930-1430 and has to go by my Seniors availability, any more than 6 attendees then I don't look at more calenders

Why can't you just block out your calendar from 4.45 onwards? It's not for someone else to start second guessing what you are doing instead - you simply block it out and tick private.

Unless it's your boss setting the meetings, in which case you need a frank discussion.

But I used to leave the office at 5 and I didn't care what people thought of me. If you need to collect kids, you need to collect kids.

And I have non-working time - I work every day but shorter days so I must be a pain too! I feel for you. But you don't schedule meetings outside regular working hours (which might be until 6 but shouldn't really be beyond 5-5.30) and I often do accept meetings in my non-working time, but I block the time out so they don't just get put in without people asking me first.

I remember my boss saying something in an appraisal about me always leaving at 5 on the dot.

Yes boss, but I get in at 8. Why does the hour before 9 not count.

He had no answer to that. Sometimes you need to get bolshy. He had a child a few weeks younger than mine. But of course wifey did everything.

and unfortunately you need to read the OP's posts properly

I am now retired but worked at pretty senior level .

it is about vocal unapologetic boundaries

I was very fortunate to have a senior male director, early in my career, who always left work at 4pm on dot. He collected his kids, went home, did chores, tea, bath and bedtime. It was extreme exceptions he bent his rule. He blocked his diary and that was it. Have to say next day his (remember this is old school 1990s) his secretary was inundated with typing as he’d work for an hour or two form home in evenings if needed

no one ever questioned it - ever. There was a sort of admiration at his rigid boundary

when I had kids, I left on time. Booked my diary out . Refused meetings. Stated clearly and loudly I had nursery/school timelines to meet. But again I’d work in evenings at time. I “banked” huge quantities of good will and commitment when I could and when it was needed and as kids got older I put more hours in if needed. My general rules were rigid, but they knew I could flex at times of peak demand or for travel etc. by time kids were in secondary school no one would ever, ever dare to question me leaving mid afternoon for a school event, or come in late, or stay working at home with sick kid.

the trick is to bank goodwill and commitment as and when you can. It works both ways. Have a strict rule, but make it clear you will only break the rule when there is a genuine need, and if there is you will step up to support the business.

I always had in back of mind, if my boss, all those years back could do it, and be successful, so could I …just had to figure out how to earn that reputation for flexibility whilst being inflexible generally. Clear boundaries. No apology.

I had a formal flexible working request with my company. So never had an issue with things like this.
You need to speak with your boss and sort this out formally. This will reduce your stress.

i didn’t do less hours or get any reduction in pay.

Some people don't look at calenders like you say, there is a way of setting up an auto decline for when a slot is "busy"

I work for an international distribution company.

Every employed person I know, (who work in public sector, private, retail, healthcare, sales, hospitality etc.) all have set hours or shifts, or have core working hours if they are in a corporate role.

Is it actually flexible working to leave at 5 if there are no core hours?
This is a bit confusing as to what the OP would be requesting.

as an ex “senior” I can’t stand this as a culture…if people’s working days inc seniors) are being extended beyond 5pm by meetings there is something wrong. Many companies have a culture of meetings…and it takes a massive cultural change to “lean” these…if there already been “leaned” then genuinely it’s a resource issue.

at the other end of this is the outcome of lost productivity; high churn followed by high training demands, loss of experience and skill sets, high Bradford factors made up of days here and there…low morale, and lack of commitment

not your issue. But not the employees issues either. Everyone has right to leave workplace at end of their legally contracted hours . Sure, most of us at professional level will work longer hours, or at times very long hours. But meetings should not be needed to be bashed into people’s diaries at 5pm onwards even when they’re booked out- something is wrong that those seniors need to sort.

Some things I’ve found help;

• Be really, really clear in calendar that not available at certain times. Reoccurring out of office time marked.
• Be consistent about saying no, or flagging that it’ll be background listening only.
• Actively promote other suitable times
• Get involved in the scheduling, or get a good understanding with the people who are. Once a couple of key people understood my not available time, it got easier.
• Get picky - is this abnormal and urgent or a routine review. If routine, I’ll send comments and pick up actions. If it’s a one off, I’ll juggle.

Being there and making it work makes people think it’s working.

Standard Operating Procedures. That’s rather remiss of your company. It can lead to people being bullied into joining meetings whilst driving. Then the company can be sued if it causes an accident.

I did and no mention of time so it's assumed normal end of school.

I would just say ‘I can’t do that time for childcare reasons’ - this is valid and frankly my boss could stick it up their arse if they think my job is more important than my kids. But I am in the fortunate position of not really giving a shit as my employer has shown they also don’t.

I think it’s extremely unusual! Because it means you have exactly this kind of issue where people have different expectations of what is reasonable.

I can understand why you feel anxious about refusing meetings when they clash with kids’ pick up. But as others have said, there’s something here about feelings of self worth and having the confidence to set (reasonable) boundaries. If you are generally a good & valued performer, people will be willing to work around your constraints, as you currently work around theirs. I might also suggest a sit down with your line manager to discuss and mutually agree how things could work better. Good luck x

The thing I do sometimes is accept as 'tentative' for all meetings, confirm with notice when you know you definitely can attend and keep em guessing for the ones you can't. But I work in a large organisation with lots of people doing all sorts of duties and flexi and part time and last minute things so I can get away with that mostly.

But it does come down to me being trusted because generally I give more than I take, I'm good at my job and if I say no, it's with good reason.

No it’s sexism.

You need to push back.

Asc mainly finish around 5 30-6pm. We found the 6pm nursery finish tricky scheduling around work but the 3.15 school finish is really awkward. He starts asc next week but its a 5.45 pick up still.

If we could afford it we might have tried nanny share a few evenings a week, but we can't. Unless you have friends or family to do pick ups you are stuck really.

That’s why it’s important to read the full thread.

Where is your Mum or MIL ( or any gender grandparent before someone jumps on that) ? Can she/they come and stay over while DH is away ?

So you've missed all the posts saying she has after school care up to 6pm? It's to be hoped you don't have a job where reading skills and comprehension are needed.