Work meetings clashing with school pick-up are making me anxious

[LiquoriceAllsorts2]

I have received several meetings that clash with the time that I need to collect my kids. Where possible I have tried to make it work and have my husband collect but there is a couple that I can’t make work due to him being away. I will tell work I can’t make it and will need to leave early but I feel so anxious that it will reflect badly on me and hate that I have been put in this position.

feels that however hard I work, sometimes it just can’t be enough.

dont know what I am looking for really, just want to rant and get my frustrations out. I hate that this needs to be an issue.

No solutions, only solidarity. Juggling a demanding job and childcare is slowly making me lose my mind. The stress is unmanageable. I feel burnout is imminent but there feels like no escape. Let’s just hope we can make it out alive.

Search for another job.

Where is ths children's father in all this?

It’s several meetings but they are not regular in that they follow a set pattern.

I pay a huge amount of money on nursery, before school and after school clubs as it is. Logistically it’s challenging to pay someone to collect as would need car seats/car etc so would be very expensive. For one I don’t know how to actually find someone and two the additional cost would be a strain if frequently (also do want to be able to spend some time with my kids).

There’s no such thing as a contracted finish time, just contracted hours

He is collecting the kids on some of the days where I have these meetings but there are some days where he is travelling for work or has his own meetings so cannot do it.

I'm petty so I would start delay sending emails so they arrived in the organiser's email box at 2am demanding an urgent response and then look perplexed and question their dedication to the role if they say anything.

Honestly, I would cut my losses at your current role and get talking to recruiters, unless your childrens' dad can facilitate all pick ups going forward. Most full time roles are 35 hrs per week too, and so many workplaces are flexible these days.

My question was aimed at Contessa, however I am glad that you are not alone in doing the dropoffs. Contessa sounds like she is.

I completely get that when a lot of people are involved it’s tough to find something that works hard for everyone. It’s just so hard when it’s something like collecting kids where you just cannot do anything about it.
just feels like I am up against a brick wall saying that I can’t do that and being told that I am needed in the meeting and the organizer just won’t budge on the time. Feels like there is nothing I can do.

Well there is something you can do - you can repeatedly refuse meeting invitations after 5pm and if they say 'we need you in the meeting' you say 'I'm afraid I am unable to attend meetings at this time of day' and then offer alternative times. Seriously, if you keep saying 'Yes' and tying yourself in knots they'll keep inviting you to meetings at that time.

Make this your line manager's problem.

Your employer doesn't own you all day every day.

I understand your frustration as you aren't leaving every day at 3.00 pm for school pick which is what so many people do now - I guess you need to establish that your core hours are say 9 - 5 and anything after 5.00 pm you can't attend unless you have prior warning - that is not unreasonable to me - it drives me mad that so many women are judged at work because they have children - how does the world exist if we don't???

This is life with kids (in the UK at least), unfortunately. Yes, in some work places it will reflect badly on you not to attend and will impact promotional/bonus opportunities. It's not fair or right but it is what it is. The only thing to do long-term, is look for another job, whilst raising your profile in other ways. If you are visible and have senior champions, missing the odd meeting shouldn't have that much of an impact. In the short term, try to find a babysitter or make friends with other parents who can occasionally do pickups and childcare for you. (I don't say that lightly, I know that it can be pretty impossible to find childcare of any type.) If you really think missing these meetings will have such a negative impact, search online for a qualified nanny/childcarer and pay for one-off childcare. I appreciate this may mean cutting back in other areas, but it may be worthwhile trade off it's going to have such a significant impact on your career.

I am needed in the meeting and the organizer won't budge on the time

Decline message: "My children's day care ends at 6pm and my husband is unavailable that day, so I cannot make this meeting."

Then forward to your line manager.

If your attendance is so important, they will move the meeting.

Ok I can do that and I am doing that but that doesn’t change the fact that I am effectively refusing to do something that is expected from me. I know that is someone else’s problem, I just hate that it is this way.

A meeting running to 6pm is an unreasonable expectation. You should refuse things that are unreasonable.

your childcare responsibilities are not your employer's responsibilities. if you are struggling with pick up or having to work more hours than is reasonable then find another job or put in a flexible working request.

I understand that, in which case I’d take up the other great advice and push back on work and just decline meetings that you can’t make.

Is there a flexi time policy? Meetings before 9am or after 5pm would be very unusual anywhere I worked, unless agreed in advance with attendees.
Just ask them to move it.

When your DH isn’t available to help due to travel etc mark in your Calendar that you are unavailable from 5pm.

Several of my (male) colleagues have their children's pickups and dropoffs in their work calendars.

Of course, they are judged completely differently from their female counterparts for doing so.

If it's expected of you then I don't see an easy solution that doesn't make you look bad.
Did you sign a contract knowing of this expectation? If yes then it's down to you to resolve it. If not, then surely you can reasonably discuss with your line manager.

They'll hardly be surprised that parents of younger children are going to struggle with 6pm meetings if you work in a conventional office environment.

I’d seek to agree my routine hours with my manager, update my diary and decline almost all meetings outside those times. If that was a problem, would job seekers.

I’d also look to DH to do 50% of weekday drop offs and pick ups, ie he does the same as you do regarding work.

We both avoided jobs with travel when DC were primary age, for this reason.

I feel for you, it's crap. I tried to do a stat social work post when my kids were young, total joke. Never knew what time I was getting home or what county I was going to be in by the end of the day. The public sector managers did not give a shit, no wonder some women are screwed when they are pensioners.

Well in that case, you need to have a conversation with your boss and negotiate. It's not unusual to have commitments after work which would normally fall after 5.30 if it's not shift work. You have a husband who does his share so just have the conversation that meetings after 5pm is difficult for you or set specific days when you know you can do it.