Gourmet Sewer-to-Table Poached Rat
Prep time: 15 minutes (or 2 hours if it won't stop running)
Cook time: 45 minutes
Yield: Serves 2 adventurous souls (or 1 very desperate pirate)
Ingredients
1 prime city rat (preferably ethically sourced from behind a five-star French restaurant)
4 cups swamp water (filtered through a clean sock, if you're fancy)
2 local mud bricks (crushed, for body)
1 bundle roadside weeds (dandelions, stinging nettles, or whatever the neighbor is trying to spray)
3 rusty nails (for that classic, deep iron flavour)
A pinch of sawdust (to mimic the texture of fine parmesan cheese)
Preparation Steps
The Catch & Release (Into the Pot):
Acquire your rat. If it is currently wearing a tiny chef's hat and whispering cooking secrets to you, do not cook it. That is a culinary advisor. Find a less talented one.
The Spa Treatment:
Gently scrub the rat with an old toothbrush. Pluck any premium, artisanal dumpster debris from its fur. Leave the whiskers on for a dramatic, avant-garde presentation.
The Aromatics:
In a large, dented tin can or a cauldron, combine the swamp water, crushed mud bricks, roadside weeds, and rusty nails. Bring the mixture to a aggressive, bubbling boil until it smells like an industrial revolution.
The Gentle Poach:
Reduce the heat to a simmer. Carefully lower the rat into the liquid. It should look like it is taking a very relaxing, muddy bath. Cover the pot with a heavy rock to prevent any "sudden resurrections."
The Waiting Game:
Poach for 45 minutes. You will know it is done when the tail curls into an elegant spiral and your roommates start packing their bags to move out.
The Presentation:
Fish the rat out using two sturdy sticks. Place it dead-centre on your finest chipped ceramic plate. Garnish generously with a dusting of fresh sawdust.
Chef’s Note
Pair this dish with a fine, vintage tap water (circa twenty minutes ago) and a side of absolute regret.