My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

‘Non binary’ is not a legally recognised category, so just continue to use sex specific pronouns. I do this at work (NHS), quite matter of factly. It’s quite amusing, when I’m saying ‘she’ and colleagues who go along with this say ‘they’. It has been mentioned but I just breezily reply “I’m afraid it’s not a belief system I subscribe to and I can’t do it.”

Obviously this has no bearing on the person involved’s treatment and care and my professional behaviour.

However, I don’t have a ‘career’ type job and my family doesn’t rely on my income, so appreciate am in a fortunate position.

If this is traced back to you you’re up for a LADO investigation! Don’t be writing about children on line however anonymous you think you are.
ask for it to be taken down.

I’m gender critical but I wouldn’t be fussed about using neutral pronouns. It is a bit annoying but not worth making into a battle. I would fight over boys in the girls changing rooms, but not over this.

I would ask whoever has told you this have they checked with the law, legal guidelines.

As pointed out by a PP this is not a legally recognised category.

It not only impacts you but other children who are being confused by the one individual.

Just ask them if they have checked the legality of doing this.

And add what are you supposed to say to the other children, or indeed their parents when they ask what is going on, as they may not want their child caught up in this make believe.

It certainly shouldn't be done behind closed doors.

If this is their policy they should make a public statement about it to the school, teachers and pupils and to the families of the pupils at the school.

it sounds very underhand and unethical.

The irony of how naturally you've used they and their here 😂 not that hard is it!

The entirety of Mumsnet is talking about children anonymously online FFS!

Yet not a LADO investigation in sight. What exactly would they investigate? On what grounds? Hilarious that you'd think they'd have the time or that it would be within their remit.

Discussing whether adults giving into a child's every whim and/or imposing their adult fantasies upon the child is in the child and other children's best interests is exactly the type of discussion concerned adults should be having IMO as a part of a good safeguarding culture. What about SEND children for whom inaccurate English may be difficult and confusing?

Do you need legislation to be kind to a child?

Do you understand how the English language works?

It's normal to use the pronoun they for a single person if you don't know the sex of that person. It's not normal to use they for a single person if you do know their sex.

It's confusing for the other children to use language incorrectly like this. This absurd belief system that some people can choose to not have a sex has no place in schools.

It's only even remotely natural in situations where we don't know someone's sex, because "he or she" is even less natural. As soon as we know someone's sex, we all naturally want to use correctly-sexed pronouns for them.

I would ask the school for any policies they have relating to this. There are lots of folks who cover this area - there’s a Dad @singlesexspacesinschools I think who has done a lot of work in this space.

Pronouns are compelled speech.
Non binary has no status in law.
It’s affirming a nonsense to young children. It makes as much sense as affirming them as a cat. It’s not possible and not legally required.

There is a judgment call on how much risk you can take with your job - whether this is the hill to die on or not.

But for now I’d be collaring information, asking questions and doing research.

I had students at uni who wanted to be called "they/them". Because they were eighteen and over, legally we could not contact their parents about it. Nor, if their given name was "Alexandra" but they wanted to be called "Patrick". With the students themselves I had no reason to address them directly with they/them pronouns, but I would use their preferred names. A student who feels safe and comfortable is able to perform better academically. On a personal level (only personal, not professional) I do not believe in an individual being "they/them". To me it sounds like a multipersonality disorder or simply an offense against the English language. I just can't do it. As I said, I'll use the student's name and call them "you". I've never had a problem with this.
But my students are technically adults. Nine years old seems too young to me to for a child to really know who they are. I've worked with 5 to 9 year olds at school, and never encountered this. That doesn't mean that it isn't valid or doesn't exist. Sorry. I know I'm rambling. OP just do your best to teach and build a relationship with this child so that they feel safe, seen, heard, and cared about. Accomodate to the degree you can live with and still keep your job.

You have posted very sensitively - well done for thinking through how to challenge this - it is a typical tactic to say ‘oh this is not important’ so please comply… all it does is lead on to other expectations…

there is quite a lot written on here and elsewhere about why pronouns are important, and we should be accurate, so you are right to be concerned.

I would agree that the name is easy and anyone might choose to shorten their name, but I would be saying to the head that you can not support the concept of non-binary which is meaningless, at a school you expect fact to be taught - the girl is of an age where there will be sex education etc and that will teach that we are male or female, it is not reasonable to expect that teaching to be corrupted to include imaginary concepts such as non-binary which are biologically impossible…

so the head will need to decide how to deal with the parents when those lessons come up

the head should also be reminded that non-binary has no legal meaning and that being gender critical is a legally protected characteristic…

the head needs to be a bit more assertive with the parents and tell them that name shortening is not a problem, but their belief that their daughter is somehow neither male nor female (when they are the only two possibilities) is not a concept that will be supported in this school - to support it would be to teach it as reality to all other pupils, and as well as being a lie, those pupils and their parents will also have views and in supporting the one child the head is likely to be upsetting many more…

the parents have a choice, if they don’t like a school where truth is taught they can choose to go elsewhere…

as for comments above about not abusing power - ignore them, there is a specific agenda there… your power as an adult and staff member is to guide and help children grow to become adults, not based on perverted distortions of the truth, but based on reality, fact, science, truth. To do so is your job, not an abuse of power.

The law says you must safeguard children. This takes precedence over some deluded misguided view of what constitutes Being Kind.

I have no advice as this is way beyond what I come across in my working life. But I think the poster above makes a huge amount of sense. Is there anywhere you can go for support with this?

I would certainly not be encouraging a 9 year old in this. 9 years old. A very young child.

I would ask the head about where it ends. Say this child now thinks their gender identity should be the opposite sex. Are they now allowed into opposite sex facilities like toilets? What about any over nights?

What happens if other children don't want to use these pronouns or can't due to something like autism? Or just makes a lot of mistakes?

And yes, avoid pronoun use. This comes from the parents so not much you can do about it.

It's not just about the one child but all the other children and the impact this trend will have on them. They'll take their ques from the adults around them and if they think the adults are talking rubbish they'll stop listening to anything they have to say, which not a good situation for a school.
Children need boundaries to feel safe, and fear that they might get into trouble if they say the 'wrong' thing is going to undermine they're feelings of security.
It's never just about the one child.

Of course you can do it. You’re choosing not to.

Good choice 👏

This sounds unhinged.

Do you know the first thing about real life safeguarding processes?

The LADO is not remotely relevant to an annonymised discussion on line.

Ridiculous. The kid is 9 and can’t decide if they like chips or wants spaghetti hoops or beans for dinner.

Yep, similar job here, although not in schools, I get around it by using the child's name, so not 'they will be moving tomorrow' or 'they like playing with bikes' but 'bob is moving tomorrow' 'bob likes playing with bikes'

I use the name each time.

It is total bullshit

And I always ask (which is easier in the job I do) - where is the assessment that deems that social transition is required/appropriate? Have CAMHS seen this child and assessed thats appropriate?

Parents can make the request for social transition / pronouns but according to kcsie it also needs to be supported by professional evidence.

non binary is not recognised but no where explicitly states this other than the EA perhaps

Lol

Do you know what LADO is and does and why a person would be referred to them?

Ah, the #BeKind contingent are on this thread I see. As if colluding in a nine year old's delusion about her 'gender', which will possibly set her on a path to lifelong medicalisation and the amputation of healthy body parts, is the 'kind' option.

Well done for standing up to this, OP.