My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

In what way is being non binary a life changing decision that will seriously impact them forever? I’m not sure you know what it is if you think that.

I think it puts everyone in the school in a difficult position because it is easy to forget for every single occasion if someone accidentally uses the wrong terminology. Also what about the other pupils if they accidentally use the wrong word? Is it even legal to punish a child if they forget to use they/them? Different if they are goading the child but how would other parents react if a child is punished for accidentally calling someone she or he?

!WRT the 9 year old in question I’d just go along w the ‘they’ - it’s not your child and has no bearing on your life - you can all think it’s BS in the staff room (I also worked in a school a few years ago and it’s where I first learned about ‘non-binary’ around 8 years ago. Conversation went like this ‘So-and-so is non-binary?’ ‘Really, what’s that?’ We just hadn’t come across that ID before, now it’s everywhere and DD is the embodiment of it

it does have a bearing on the OP life - it compels her to lie but far more importantly it has a bearing on a class of 9 year olds who will also be told to lie and who will be being lied to by adults ie told that there are children who aren't boys or girls which is nonsense

Two gay teachers taking a child who’s confused about their sex ‘under their wing’ isn’t the gotcha you think it is. It has red flags all over it!
Children cannot change sex, just as adults can’t. Schools should not be socially transitioning pupils just because their parents tell them to.

I once had a student (adult) who identified as a different ethnicity. Before I taught him I was warned that he had put in a complaint about another lecturer and that he was very difficult and sensitive. I was advised to tread very carefully and that it was tricky as some of the other students understandably found his stance offensive. We didn't want him to get bullied because he obviously had issues.

Fortunately, I didn't have any problems when I taught him. However, it was useful to be pre-warned and helpful that no one suggested we all actually pretend with each other that he was this other ethnicity or that we had to 'call out' any students that didn't want to go along with it.

This was a while ago and before all the gender stuff was so common. I do sometimes think of him and wonder how it would be handled now.

this.

And I think, referring to posts above, we need to move away from the concept that children will be caused 'hurt', or its 'unkind' to refer to sex pronouns. A child really isnt going to be hurt by that, despite what they or their parents think, in the same way they wouldnt be hurt if they wanted to be considered that they're a lollypop or cat and we didnt refer to them as such.

Or are we worried that children are 'hurt' when we make them do other things they would choose not to, do their teeth, brush their hair, go to school, go to bed on time, clear up?

Agreed.

‘Non binary’ is a made up affectation. Nobody is neither male nor female.

What if the other children in the class believe the child is a girl and don’t want to go along with pretending people can be neither male nor female? Should they be punished if they call her ‘she’?

I am gender critical but in this situation I would use "they" just because its a small child and I dont want it to feel excluded or guilted into thinking they are in the wrong somehow. TBH this whole "non-binary" thing in girls is the only issue I feel sympathy for as I myself felt in a similar way when I was a young girl and I happily grew out of it by the time I was 16. I was a messy tomboy and did not want to do any "girly" things, and was envious of boys - but did not really want to be one. It took time to understand where I stand with my sexuality and the way I want to fit in into the world. I'd rather these children are calling themselves "they" before they work themselves out. And not do anything drastic like declare they are trans etc.

How bonkers and self important that you think you should override the child and their parents on this. I don't know many teachers who would have the time or inclination stew on this. FFS.

Though I think parents have a lot to answer for as all the "non-binary" kids I know have precisely these "new age" very left type of middle class parents.

just do as you have been asked.

Calling someone by a shortened version of their name is very normal and many are unisex.

in terms of using they, in theory I don’t see a problem with it but I can see that sometimes it’s hard and there will be slip of the tongue moments but just try your best.

I teach children to be respectful of each others opinions. They don’t need to believe the child isn’t a girl but they also don’t need to disrespect their beliefs.

I don’t believe in God but I wouldn’t tell a Christian child that I think they’re wrong in their beliefs.

I’m gender critical too, but I don’t feel it’s a hill you should die on. Life is hard enough for young people these days.

Ten, fifteen years ago this might have been true. Goodness knows, my own DD went through all manner of phases which blew over. Unfortunately however, in the current climate, reinforcing this ideology validates it and what might have been 'just a phase' can end up being something far more harmful, with far-reaching consequences.

There is a reason why children - nine year olds, in this case - aren't deemed mature enough to make life-changing decisions for themselves. It's absolutely absurd that when it comes to 'gender', this safeguarding is completely disregarded.

That's completely different. Calling someone a different name doesn't involve validating a belief system that you don't agree with (e.g. that there are more than two sexes or not everyone is male or female). You are also tacitly promoting this belief system to children!

Schools and universities are absolutely hysterical about pronouns. They trump disabilities, safeguarding and just about everything else that is more important.
I cant understand it.

She doesn’t need to lie though. She needs to use they, which isn’t lying - both boys and girls fall under they and use a short version of the actual name which is very normal for lots of children and likely something that would have been happening only.

the only bad bit is if there are consequences for genuine slip of the tongues moments as I imagine it’s hard to remember 100% of the time when busy with lots of children.

Tell me you know nothing about 9 year olds ...

I'm gender critical but I don't believe there is any harm being done here. The child will still be using the correct-sex changing rooms etc and will still be included with the girls for the PHSE sessions about periods, no one is asking you to lie. Using gender-neutral pronouns isn't being forced to lie in the same way as opposite-sex pronouns would be, but if you're uncomfortable then it's easy enough to just not use pronouns at all and just use the child's name.

I definitely remember a couple of school reports referring to me or my sister as he (mistake in updating I expect). Maybe using they for all children will make things easier.

Why should OP 'try her best' to validate an ideology she sees as harmful and does not agree with? Why should anyone be coerced into doing so, particularly when the subject is a nine year old child?

None of us have to 'do as we're asked' on this. And thank goodness for the teachers/school staff who refuse to.

So, a girl (let’s assume) decides they don’t subscribe to all feminine stereotypes, and does feel comfortable with some masculine stereotypes, so she wants to be referred to as they/them. Teacher is ‘kind’ and complies. Now every other child in the class has implicitly been told that they are expected to conform to sex-based stereotype, and by ‘choosing’ sex-based pronouns, they are complicit in this.

Not so kind when you actually think about it, is it?

I really don’t see how anything about that was phrased as a “gotcha”.