My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

Dear gods the crazy that exists now, that poor child. If this is real and there is an OP working in a real primary school dealing with this, as a retired secondary sendco and safeguarding lead I would say to seek a private meeting with the head and point out that safeguarding is impacted by this gender nonsense. This vulnerable girl could easily end up in a boy's changing room if lines are not drawn.
I never understand how actual teachers can go along with this, for the the love of God we dont let 14 year olds choose where to sit in class why would we let them or their parents pick their sex? If that was possible.
@RaspberryRoad
In my experience the Lado isnt even interested in actual assaults and crimes by or against children, with a police report attached let alone words on an Internet forum.

Hilarious!

worked well at the Nuremberg Trials!

there are many reasons why an employer may instruct and you might choose not to comply, and where they can’t sack you for it - and this is one of them - being gender critical is a protected characteristic

The use of sex based pronouns only occurs in the absence of the person being discussed.
So imagine a child has forgotten their PE kit -
“Mrs Jones, I’ve forgotten my PE kit, can someone ring home please?”
“Of course Sally, I’ll speak to Mrs Smith for you.”
‘Mrs Smith, Sally has forgotten to bring a PE kit - can phone Sallys home to ask a parent to bring it in’
Followed by ‘Hello Sallys dad, please can you bring in Sallys PE kit’.

My understanding is that KCSIE now says changes can’t be made by teachers but senior management can and can direct staff accordingly. It isn’t easy but I think you have to follow the directions of your bosses. “They” as a singular pronoun isn’t new: “someone has left their coat in the classroom, they are going to be cold when they go outside”. I can see your concern but bringing up children ultra genderised is very limiting as well. Hopefully this child will make their own mind up eventually. I find it all hard work to remember not to say “Right ladies and gentlemen, let’s get packed up…” etc..

Validating a child's belief in a harmful, misogynist, homophobic ideology is not the same as agreeing to using a nickname.

And no, as adults we don't have to do what children tell us. Particularly if what they're telling us to do has the potential to cause them harm.

I totally agree that this is an abuse of power over a child. Horrific.

Isn’t forcing someone to use words (they / them) that are inconsistent with their belief system (not to mention, reality) an abuse of power (by the head teacher)?

People can believe all they want (but their resultant actions shouldn’t hurt others) however they can’t coerce others to join in on their belief (/fantasy).

whilst I accept there’s a child involved, it feels like they are vulnerable not because of the acts of the teacher but because of the dubious parenting choices being made.

We don’t lie about their own material reality.

And not complying with this is not ‘taking it out on the child’. The parents are clearly deeply complicit here. The school needs to take its job in safeguarding seriously and not simply go along with parental demands if these are problematic.

It absolutely does not need to be supported by professional evidence. It says:

As below, in the vast majority of cases we would expect the school or
college to work with parents or carers to determine what is in the best interests
of the child as well as considering any clinical evidence or advice and seeking
any additional non-clinical professional advice where relevant (for example from
the SENCO), including involving the designated safeguarding lead.

So "consider any clinical evidence" -which means where it is available. And Seek "professional advice where relevant".

There is absolutely no stipulation for a need for supporting evidence. Spreading lies like this is dangerous.

Calling a child by their name rather than They/Them, is not abuse, get a grip.

No one is being hurt in this scenario except a child. No one is asking OP to state this child is non binary.

I can't believe what adults will justify when it comes to how they treat a child.

If anyone is abusing power here it’s the parents of the NINE YEAR OLD that are indulging, and in all likelihood encouraging this utter nonsense.

At 18 years old? Sure, let them crack on with whoever they want to be (so long as they don’t think it means their rights are more important than anyone else, and they understand that a person can no more genuinely change sex than I can build a chrysalis and change into a butterfly).

At 9 years old there should be explanation that everyone is different and you can wear whatever you’re comfortable in (when appropriate) do whatever you enjoy, be friends with whoever you like and so on, no need to do or act how people ‘expect’ you to be, but you are still either a boy or a girl. End of story.

What if a child believed the number 5 didn’t exist and the child’s parents had said that the school must support this belief?

Yes and in order to ensure proper safeguarding you raise any concerns through the appropriate channels. Not with the child.

I would also argue that telling a child Santa is real is a rather larger lie than calling an Alexandra 'Alex'.

That’s because the poster doesn’t know the sex of the person she’s referring to. When you know full well, it’s much less instinctive or natural

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

If you are a teacher, you should be fully informed of what the position is exactly (and any other legislation that affects your role) before you decide to take this decision. You should not be guessing about what the potential consequences could be if you decide to ignore. I am curious if the school has issued any actual guidance on this.

(One thing you won't be caught up in is a LADO investigation on the basis of this thread, though.)

@likelysuspect has good advice on what to do, day to day.

I had an 11 year old in my class last year who wanted to be called they. My main issue was that I would forget and the she would slip out so I just avoided using a pronoun at all, just used the name.

I have my reservations about it all but i really wouldn't insist on using non preferred pronoun in front of all their peers, its confrontational towards the. Just avoid

It is but schools do not insist on that one

I also work in education. I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t just do what the child has asked with no fuss - making it an issue just reinforces the choice as a way to get attention. Also, the priority here should be the comfort and security of the child over your own personal belief system. Avoiding the use of pronouns is fine, I think using gendered pronouns when you have been asked not to is just going to make the school environment hostile to the child - and why do that? This is a child, not an adult.

The OP is not taking it up with the child, she is raising it through the proper channels.

And Santa is a story used by parents to convey a bigger truth about the world - like a creation myth or similar. There is zero equivalence to lying to a child about being able to opt out of their sex

I got interested in this when I taught an episode of the Scandi drama/ Nordic Noir The Bridge for A level media. There was a family who were bringing up a gender neutral child. This was quite a while ago just before the huge number of kids being trans and non-binary happened. I researched and found there were families who had brought up non-binary kids to the extent the child’s grandparents did not know their biological sex. This incidence wasn’t in uk. Extraordinary! I mean I rallied against clothes with things like “daddy’s little princess “ for girls and “here comes trouble” for boys (true examples) but…

I had a 7 year old in class once whose parents had decided was non binary. She had a gender neutral name (I believe but not sure it's her real name) and short hair and was referred to as 'they' by parents and sone staff. I avoided the pronouns completely. Another 7 year old in the class once asked her 'do you have a penis or a vagina'? She refused to answer. 7 year olds know what makes someone a boy or a girl. Total nonsense. She's now about 13 and I saw a picture online where she looked like a stereotypical girl so clearly the novelty wore off.

I think it’s nonsense but I’d use the dc name and go with it because it’s not my circus. You can’t save every dc from mad parents.

You don't need to use 'preferred pronouns', @TheMadGardener. Cite this guide:

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6970e7e67e827090d02d42e0/Relationships_education_relationships_and_sex_education__RSE__and_health_education__for_intro_1_September_2026_.pdf

It explicitly says:

"Schools should avoid language and activities which repeat or enforce gender stereotypes. Schools should be mindful to avoid any suggestion that social transition is a simple solution to feelings of distress or discomfort."

You do not have to and should not support the transition to 'non-binary' which individuals choose (or have foisted on them by adults in the case of a 9 year old) because they have issues with specific associations to the birth sex. Those specific associations are gender stereotypes. Your headteacher should be aware of this and should be supporting you.

You are also protected by the Forstater judgement.

Because that’s grammatically correct?

sheesh.

not that hard eh?