My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

Erm.

This is what the OP said:

I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

How on earth does that equate to an evil abuse of power that will be called out, or the idea that the OP will hurt the child and enjoy doing so?!?

OP, I think your approach is very sensitive and takes the child's feelings into consideration amazingly.

The KCSIE guidance does put great weight on parents' wishes but it also makes it clear that social transition should involve the advice of medical professionals. In the Head's position, I would be asking the parents to get a medical recommendation first and informing them that regardless of this outcome, the school will not be compelling anyone to actively use pronouns that differ from the child's sex (i.e. pronoun avoidance is considered by the school to be a sensitive way to handle the situation) nor having the concept of "correct" pronouns for this child. This concept involves holding a belief that everyone has a gender identity - not everyone holds this belief and schools can't impose beliefs on students or staff.

Most importantly, every child at the school, including the one in question, needs to understand the difference between males and females as per the statutory RSE guidance. It's fundamental for safeguarding that every child understands facts and law about biological sex based on age-appropriate information from reputable sources.

Is the KCSIE(?) guidance across the whole of Britain? I note the OP has said 'British' primary. Can anyone clarify if the guidance or rules are different in Scotland, Wales or NI compared with England?

in what way is this kind?

the child will have to do everything else in school in line with their sex.

it’s marking them out to be different. Non binary is not a legally recognised term.

I imagine some children will struggle to not use he or her for the child, due to what they know about them and possibly their own autism.

I agree with what Bonfire Lady said above me.
The rules have changed (Part 2 of KCSIE 2026).
Have a read of the info that was sent by our DSLs, to the 38 schools in my MAT, just yesterday.
Particularly, the need for the school to record the biological sex of their students in all official documents.

It's normal to use the pronoun they for a single person if you don't know the sex of that person

It really grates on me as it’s sloppy grammar: “they”
is plural and the gender neutral singular pronoun is “it”. Funnily enough, I was listening to an old fashioned audiobook the other day which had a section involving someone telling a story about a child and wanting to be discreet about it - it struck me that the author did use “it” for that purpose.

I’m not comfortable with the forced speech element, especially in a school context - but, equally, I take the points about not wanting to cause hurt to a child. I’d just avoid the pronouns altogether. Just refer to her as Alex at all times. It might sound a bit forced and clunky, but so does “they”! So - “I spoke to Alex”s mother about Alex’s maths”/“that book is Alex’s - pass it to Alex, please”. I don’t think anyone can complain about someone making an effort to use someone else’s preferred name.

Children aren’t born with a sense of “gender identity” it’s a made up social construct, the term non-binary didn’t exist in my child’s vocabulary aged 9. This is the parents influence, and I find it cruel.

I would just not use the child’s chosen pronouns and reinforce non-stereotypes, e.g. people born female can absolutely be good at football etc, it doesn’t make them different. And I would absolutely be extra vigilant for other safeguarding red flags

And it is a sensible choice, a choice that helps to protect both the individual child and the other children in the school. It is a choice that reflects both safeguarding law and the poster’s personal ethics.

Is there any policy within your school regarding this? You need to find that out before you start to ignore what the Headteacher has asked you to do. This isn't just the child who has asked to be referred to as they/them and by a gender neutral name.... it's the parents too.

You need to make sure before you use words like her/she, that you aren't going to find yourself in trouble. I understand it's something that you don't believe in, and you don't have to. You should remain neutral though.

personally, I would just avoid it. Use the name and not get involved.

Its easy to avoid pronouns all together, and I don't think, regardless of right or wrong, it is a teachers place to get involved here. In doing so, you are very unlikely to achieve anything except making the situation and tensions worse.

If you want to be brave and stand up for what you believe, make your case to the head.

But in class? Don't do anything to make the student's life worse - you aren't going to change the parents' minds or make the pupil have a revelation, so just avoid the situation, use their name, and move past it.

I work with a guy with a very male name but wants us to use they/them pronouns. I just stick with using his name to other colleagues. It sounds weird but if I were asked I'd just say I don't subscribe to that philosophy.

If someone went around asking people to say "Peace Be Upon Him" after saying Mohammed, and that it's easy, it's offensive if you don't, you're just choosing not to etc. you'd rightly tell them that it's not something you choose to do because you're not Muslim (assuming you're not!). This is the same.

What’s the expectation about the other children in the school? Are they to be told to refer to this child as they/them? Are staff expected to “correct” her classmates if they refer to her as she/her?

I feel sorry for this girl for having such batshit parents.

A school forcing a teacher into a belief system that they do subscribe too is an abuse of power.

Of you want to stamp out evil then dtop trying to impose your beliefs on others

In our start of year INSET, they said the guidance was just that schools can't start the social transition process (ie without parents).

Who knows if this is the child’s idea or one or both of the parents - the child is 9. !!!

search assist says-

Non-binary means a gender identity that is outside the male/female gender binary. Some non-binary people feel between two genders, others feel they are outside the system altogether, and others may feel they have no gender at all.

I‘m sure this 9year old has given deep thought to this and come to this conclusion?! - I would be pushing back on this and checking the legal side of it

Exactly this, though I think the OP did say she was just going to avoid pronouns and use the student's name? I will call students anything I'm asked to in class but privately I feel sorry for them and worry for them.

I worked in a school with a trainee who went by female pronouns when we met before the summer holidays, then came back start of term as Mx and the students and staff were corrected if they accidentally said Miss/she.

Ffs the people going along with this bullshit are the ones hurting the kid.

What about the other kids in the school? Don't they deserve to not be lied to, to hear their teachers being truthful, and not using language that contradicts everything they've always learned and instinctively know to be true?

Your clearly not worried about the 'abuse of power' there.

Just crack on using the name then, there’s no issue unless you’re pulled for using she/her, but you’ve already said you’re just going to use the name. You don’t have to use they/them and you don’t have to tell people or the child what you’re doing or avoiding. You’ve already got a solution.

I think your approach of using the name and no pronouns is correct, although it now appears non binary is not protected under the Equality Act, schools may not have got the memo. I think continuing to use “she” in school might be problematic given the Mackereth decision but you cannot be compelled to use language you believe to be inaccurate.

This! Facts are sacred in school!

I agree I've never understood the they/them, different pronouns thing....it just makes no sense to me. But can't you just humour this kid? It's probably just a phase that will blow over. I would however be a bit concerned if the parents were pushing it, as seems a bit much.

No they won’t, they’ll refer to the child as they/them, accept their name and go about their day. It’s not that deep. It’s very well documented how children are naturally accepting, it’s adults who have ridiculous issues and rules about belongs and who doesn’t.

Do you teach this girl? Have anything to do with them? Likely ever to be talking about her?

My children would be told by me to keep using she. I don’t encourage my children to be dishonest.

I would keep quiet snd try to avoid ysing a pronoun to refer to this child. Just call them Alex or you and never discuss them in the third person