My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

Isn’t the Cass report clear that social transition is not a neutral act? Is your school familiar with the Cass report and its implications?

Hmm, where does reality come in with the UNCRC. Anywhere or nowhere?

Are you suggesting that a child could decide to identify and believe they are a cat (for example) and this delusion should be affirmed and respected? Surely not. The child in the OP's thread believes she is neither male nor female, should that really be affirmed and respected?

Of course not. Safeguarding issue imo.

The 'they/them' business is going too far - including on Mumsnet where parents refer to their son or daughter as they/them and then forget and say her/him.

If an adult is transitioning or has transitioned, eg male to female, I'm happy to call, or refer to the person as, 'her/she'. Will eventually think of her as a 'she'. However 'she' was certainly a boy once and nobody would have called him, 'her/she' back then.

Why are young children being bothered with so much grown up stuff?

Why are you extremely uncomfortable with it? Just call the kid whatever they want.

The more of an issue you make of it the more entrenched the child and parents will become. You don't want it to become a hill that's difficult for them to come down off when the child eventually changes their mind.

And the class of 9 year olds being told "x isn't a boy or a girl do you have to use they or them"?

It’s never kind to lie to children.

A child is either male or female. Agreeing that they can be non-binary is going along with the idea that it’s possible to be both or neither. It isn’t.

I would no more refer to a male child as “they” than I would agree to call him “his majesty” or “his highness” or “Doctor”. Words mean things. Their meanings may change over time but not by force and not to the degree that “cat” can now mean “feline creature and some canine creatures”.

this bizarre belief system that some people can choose to not have a sex has no place in schools, or anywhere. This child has picked this nonsense idea up from her parents or social media, she didn’t feel it from within AT AGE 9!!! I could not encourage or support it. Well done OP

It's so sad that this sends out the message to the rest of the girls that if you have more masculine traits e.g you excel at sports, like trains and engineering, don't like dolls then that is beyond what a girl can be. And you have to be something else because 'girl' isn't enough.

I understand non binary even less than trans. I did (and still do) not fit the stereotype (should such a thing exist) of a woman and this would most definitely have confused me as a nine year old.

Why is it progressive to say girl or woman is such a narrow box that if you are a bit different you must be something else.

It's at total odds with trying to show our girls that they too can be electricians, scientists, mountaineers but is somehow deemed the kind option.

I agree with previous poster that the impact on other girls has importance too.

I'd use the name and only the name.

I do agree on the importance of showing both girls and boys that sex/gender shouldn’t define you. But there’s lots that schools can do to show this and should be doing.

Really? But this would not be acceptable in any other circumstance.

If the child wanted to be referred as ‘your excellency, grand high master of the universe’ should the OP feel obliged to do that too?

The first question to ask SLT is whether what they're asking you to do compliant with the statutory safeguarding guidance KCSIE with an explanation how and if they have medical oversight for this social transition.

And then point out they should be prepared for parents asking the same question.

Poor child, can't imagine this will go well for her. I agree that the parents imposing this should raise a safeguarding concern and some appropriate questions. What other fantasy beliefs are they imposing? Does she even want this? OP has been told 'she and her parents' think this. Really? Does she definitely want to be a they/them and to try and impose this on all her friends (assuming she has some, generally speaking trying to force other children to do whatever you want all the time doesn't result in loads of friendships)

In that case, indicating a gender non conforming girl is not actually a girl, completely undermines everything else they’d be doing.

I would say it is the parents who are building the hill that it is hard to come down from. Making everyone in that child’s life and a whole school community make a special mental effort to use “they” and put the child in a special box labelled “non-binary”. This is on the parents not the OP. The child is 9.

Your employer has instructed you.

Either comply or resign.

How will ‘they’ cope when her puberty starts, If it hasn’t already?

this with bells on

And where do you draw the line?

• how about the child who comes in saying that they are a nudist and won’t wear clothes?
• what about the child who has a knife they want to play with during break
• I know of a school where a child brought in a taser - is that okay?
• how about the class bully who gets everyone else ganging up against one child
• the child who is vegetarian and objects to anyone eating meat - presumably everyone else must now stop?
• the child whose opinion is that they don’t want to participate in any class and disrupts the classes for everyone else

you teach children to be respectful of each other’s opinions - so presumably you will respect and allow all of these?!

or do you actually have a line you draw because you realise that some opinions might also affect others - the one being bullied, those who are cut by the knife, those who want to learn or to eat meat etc…

utterly ridiculous to imply that any child’s opinions must be respected - a school / staff make judgements and when a child comes in with opinions that affect others / do not sit within how society works, then that child is actively corrected

The child is a girl. 'Non binary' is not real. OP is absolutely right to use the correct pronouns for her.

I'm not sure how we've ended up in a place where we must agree to the whims of nine year olds - even ones which can have far reaching, damaging consequences - for fear of upsetting them. As adults, particularly those in a position of professional responsibility, it's our job to safeguard and set boundaries.

Also, as a teacher, it's not OP's job to 'gently guide' towards anything other than the facts.

Why can't you just call the child they/them?

This isn't a case of forgetting, you're saying you're going to deliberately not use what they have asked for. It's no different to a child being asked to be called a nickname.

Regardless of what you opinion is on gender politics, this is a child, just do what they're asking. It's really not hard!

Why should she resign?

Those are all entirely false equivalences.

Wow. Because blind obedience to rules has always worked out so well historically.

That’s got quite a threatening undertone, hasn’t it?

Why do you think the OP should comply, unquestioningly, with this ideology?

https://sex-matters.org/posts/schools-and-safeguarding/safeguarding-and-trans-identification-in-schools/

It’s never kind to lie to children.

Nonsense, we lie to children all the time. About Santa, the Easter Bunny for starters, but also about anything we think is a bit too grown up for them to know.

Whilst non-binary is patent nonsense, it's not on to take it out on the 9 year old.